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FUNNIES - keep them clean <wink>

Lizzy

By Lizzy
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Lizzy Collaborator

Lizzy

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> >> Subject: The outhouse. > >> > >> Once there was a little boy that lived in the > country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stunk all the time. > The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. > >> One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. > >> That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." > >> The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
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Lizzy Collaborator

Lizzy

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Dear Lord: Every single evening As I'm lying here in bed, This tiny little prayer Keeps running through my head. God bless all my family Wherever they may be. Keep them warm and safe from harm For they're so close to me. And God, there is one more thing I wish that you could do. Hope you don't mind me asking, Bless my computer too. Now I know that it's not normal To bless a mother board, But listen just a second While I explain to you, My Lord. You see, that little metal box Holds more than odds & ends. Inside those small compartments Rest so many of my FRIENDS. I know so much about them By the kindness that they give. And this little scrap of metal Takes me in to where they live. By faith is how I know them -- Much the same as you. We share in what life brings us And from that our friendship grew. Please, take an extra minute From your duties up above To bless those in my address book That's filled with so much love! Wherever else this prayer may reach To each and every friend, Bless each e-mail Inbox And the person who hits "Send." When you update your heavenly list On your own CD-Rom, Remember each who've said this prayer Sent up to God.com. Amen.
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Lizzy Collaborator

Lizzy

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Subject: I'm Fine How Are You I'm Fine - How are you? There's nothing the matter with me, I'm just as healthy as can be, I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. All my teeth have had to come out, And my diet I hate to think about. I'm overweight and I can't get thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. And arch supports I need for my feet. Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street. Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I'm all right. My memory's failing, my head's in a spin. But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. Old age is golden I've heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed. With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up. And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf? The reason I know my Youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went! But reallyI don't mind, when I think with a grin, Of all the places my get-up has been. I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead, So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed. The moral of this as the tale unfolds, Is that for you and me, who are growing old. It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin, Than to let people know the shape we are in. I AM FINE -- HOW ARE YOU?
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Mike Chapman Community Regular

Mike Chapman

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A rather rough chap in a bar is boasting that his Pit Bull Terrier could beat and kill any other dog in a fight. In the corner a little old fellow says "My dog would beat it and I would bet £100 that it will" What's your dog then says the boaster? "It's a long bodied short legged hairless terrier" says the old chap. The money is deposited with the landlord and the dog fight started. Within seconds the Pit Bull is dead. The old chap collects the £200 and is about to leave the bar when the very upset boaster says "what is your dog? and where can I get one?". The old chap replies "It's a long bodied, short legged hairless terrier and you can buy them in Africa where I believe they sometimes call them crocodiles" Boom! Boom!
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Dave Newell Grand Master

Dave Newell

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A chap goes into a pub and says "who's is the rotweiler tied up outside?". A big tattoed, shaven headed man at the bar growls "mine, why?". The other chap says "well my dog's just killed it!". "you what?" says the bruiser, "what kind of dog have you got?". "A chihuahua" replies our chap. "Ha," says the bruiser, "how on Earth did a Chihuahua kill a rotty?". Our man says " I think it stuck in his throat!". D.
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net-traveller Rising Star

net-traveller

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I hope this is considered clean enough. It does succinctly sum up life, no, not the Python version. THE LITTLE SPARROW Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow that decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. The moral of the story: 1.Everyone who excrements on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2.Everyone who gets you out of the excrement is not necessarily your friend. 3.And, if you’re warm and happy in a pile of excrement, keep your mouth shut. Cheers
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DarcyDog Rookie

DarcyDog

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The old ones are the best! An 86 year old man walked into a crowded Doctors waiting room and approached the forbidding looking Receptionist. She demanded "What are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this! room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man the said "Ok! so I will try again!", waited a minute and then said "Good Morning" to the Receptionist. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "?Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??" "I can't piss out of it," he replied.
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