Lizzy Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 I know - early! Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. “Hello?” she cried – no answer. “Is there anyone here?” She cried a little louder – but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared: “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?” Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away – “We’re down here!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MandyAndy Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 very funny lizzy , made me laugh, and just been running a mums and tots so believe me last thing I feel like doing, so thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 Its a well known fact that blood is diverted to various parts of the body to help with their different functions. So make your minds up girls. Brains or what. Howard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolh Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 :-$ now how can we answer that one girls (?) 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 [QUOTE]carolh - 2006-09-20 4:14 PM :-$ now how can we answer that one girls (?) 8-)[/QUOTE]Don,t think you can Carol as your such a moody bunch. One night its fluttering eyelashes and the next its a sharp dig in the ribs. Dangerous ground this, but i,ll try and give a mans perspective on this. Lizzys joke suggested that all our brain cells are located down below. Not true of course, only when engaged in nooky. Some of our faculties remain, but only to ensure we whisper your correct name and assure you that its really you we love and not just your body etc. and these are purely automatic responses with regards to self preservation. Howard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 So that's why men are from mar's & women from venus..... ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 Bus Ride - Blondes Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Las Vegas. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The Brunette asked, "What's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!" ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted September 21, 2006 Share Posted September 21, 2006 - >Subject: Oh Dear! > > >After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a >photo of a man on her bedside table. >At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned >it so why should he. >But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining the >photo is staring at him doing the deed. >It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it. > >"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks. >"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. >"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues. >"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. >"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. > > "No, no, no!!!" she answers. >"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. > > >"That's me before the surgery" > _________________________________________________________________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzy Posted September 22, 2006 Author Share Posted September 22, 2006 :-D :-> (lol) Oh - I've got a pink star ;-) Off to look for the next funny ready for Monday :-D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 Lizzy , Dont mention the star's as this started as a previous joke & hasn't gone down well ........As you can see by the comment's from John H thread IS IT ME It started as a joke with member, veteran, new,how many star's . it's not worth it, dare I say it , it will start it all up again .. Congratulations on the pink star though He HE :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 jack lemmon you missing Walter Matthau yet I am.... How are you howard Melb carol H lizzy Mandyandy and all the one's I have missed . If you all gone to the york show hope you have taken your wellies..... & have a lovely time............... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzy Posted September 22, 2006 Author Share Posted September 22, 2006 Pink star or not - this is *my* thread ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 Hiya Michele. Nice to see you back if only to add some sobriety to proceedings. Don,t know if its true, but rumour has it that you,ve been seen scuttling about with phials of blood, hair cuttings, pins and little clay figures. >:-) Unable to get to York this year, to much going on at home. Most of the time is spent in the garden at the moment cutting back and tidying up ready for next spring. Bumper crop of tomatos this year, to many in fact. Anyone know what I could do with the remaining ones. (Time to dig out the tin hat). Back to you Lizzy. Howard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted September 22, 2006 Share Posted September 22, 2006 nice one lizzy , good for you (lol) (lol) (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzy Posted September 24, 2006 Author Share Posted September 24, 2006 Bumper crop of tomatos this year, to many in fact. Anyone know what I could do with the remaining ones ..... bumper crop of courgettes and runner beans too :-D Hubby is making chutney so off to make a new thread ......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geoff Bell Posted September 24, 2006 Share Posted September 24, 2006 Home-made Tomato and courget soup. You can Freeze any surplus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted September 26, 2006 Share Posted September 26, 2006 Lizzy, went to Rick Stein's deli in padstow Apple cider chutney , not quite tomatoe beautiful the cider is fantastic especially on hot cheese on toast. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzy Posted September 29, 2006 Author Share Posted September 29, 2006 A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there and the next day she was! She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the mortgage but no. Every once in a while I find a dollar bill stuck in the coat pocket or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I don’t want to jump to conclusions but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw £100, and a few days later, it’s all gone! I certainly don’t spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You would think that she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. And money isn’t the only thing she is staling. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate – especially the good stuff like ice-cream, cookies and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth but she had better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realises this, and to make herself feel better she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too. For an old lady she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I’m not home and altering my clothes so that they don’t fit! And she messes with my files and papers so I can’t find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and well organised. She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She has done other things – like make my stairs steeper, vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and taps harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolises it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me! Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver’s license and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me. I hope she never finds out where YOU live! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzy Posted October 5, 2006 Author Share Posted October 5, 2006 One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed > >> in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do > >> anything you want." > >> So he tied her up and went golfing. > >> > >> *********************************************** > >> > >> A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and > >> ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the > >> top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" > >> > >> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff > >> or mountain stuff?" > >> > >> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
net-traveller Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 Reasons why women are smarter than men. a.. We got off the Titanic first. b.. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. c.. Men's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours. d.. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. e.. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. f.. Taxis stop for us. g.. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on their life insurance. h.. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. i.. We know The Truth about whether size matters (but we're not telling...) j.. If we're not making enough money we can always blame the glass ceiling. k.. We can cry at sad movies without other women wondering about our sexual orientation. l.. No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo. m.. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. n.. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real. o.. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. p.. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass. q.. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. r. We don't have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. s.. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. t.. We have the ability to dress ourselves. u.. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. v.. Our friends won't think we are weird if we ask if there is spinach in our teeth. w.. We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems. x.. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable. y.. We'll never regret piercing our ears. z.. We can fully size up a person just by looking at their shoes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzy Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 I squeezed it gently at first. Then a little bit harder. There seemed to be more and more of it. I moved it towards my lips. It was a strange and new sensation for me. I put it into my mouth and moved it around and around with my tongue. The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out. It was quite an experience – the 1st time I tasted toothpaste. They were both round and firm. There was only the slightest difference between the two. I took one in my hand and twisted it hard. I used my other hand to grab the other one and twisted it the other way. Now there’s a brighter light bulb in the lounge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Newell Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Oh Lizzy, you make my eyes water! D. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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