Guide to survival

[donna miller]

unashamedly pinched this off another forum, Viz's finest if I'm not mistaken

 

 

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

 

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but you'll also be getting paid for it.

 

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the teacaking thing in the first place..

 

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

 

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

 

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

 

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

 

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,and ask for a nice steak.

 

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

 

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

 

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,so it may as well look like one.

 

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

 

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

 

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

 

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

A next door neighbour's car ariel, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

 

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

 

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

 

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know

 

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed

__________________

 

[Guest Tracker]

That is brilliant Donna - well done

[Guest tc102]

I'm sorry, but I must strongly object to at least one of the pieces of advice given in this otherwise excellent list.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

This is absolute nonsense. You should keep as far away as possible from any object that you wish to view. It may be dangerous, or smelly or simply ugly.

To help you with this you should go to your local independent photographic dealer who will stock a large range at very reasonable prices. But the more you can afford, the better it will be, for me that is, sorry, I mean for him of course.

[Guest Tracker]

Or simply shop online and cut out the middle man?

The choice is yours?

[Guest tc102]

Tracker - 2007-10-11 3:17 PM Or simply shop online and cut out the middle man? The choice is yours?

Wash your mouth out with soap and water! You cannot try them out and see how they perform online! A good independent photo-dealer will demonstrate them to you and give good technical advice.

However, if you insist on shopping online I can give you the web address for one of the country's leading photo-optical dealers, which is also one of Leica's largest accounts.

Leica by the way is probably the top brand in binos.

Needless to say, unlike a former contributor I have no connection with the afore-mentioned company! :-D

[Guest Tracker]

The best way is to go into your local retailers and try all the brands first andd then go and buy online.

 

If you are feeling very generous you could always get a good price off the web and ask if the local retailer can match it - sometimes they do - or get close.

 

Being the kindly person that I am, it is probably better to support local traders if we can and if we want them to be here in years to come.

 

With apologies to Donna for high jacking the thread.

[Guest tc102]

Tracker - 2007-10-11 4:38 PM The best way is to go into your local retailers and try all the brands first andd then go and buy online. If you are feeling very generous you could always get a good price off the web and ask if the local retailer can match it - sometimes they do - or get close. Being the kindly person that I am, it is probably better to support local traders if we can and if we want them to be here in years to come. With apologies to Donna for high jacking the thread.

That, joking apart, is simply dishonest. If you want to saw the last ha'penny in half then find the cheapest online dealer and take the chance that he won't have gone bust before you get your goods (I'll give you a couple of good examples if you like).

You appear to want the lot. Half an hour's demonstration from a high street retailer who has enormous overheads compared to someone selling online from an industrial estate, but the price of that online operation.

The biggest risk buying online is that the people constantly shaving their margins to be at the top of the price-comparison websites are by definition, the ones working on the tiniest of margins and the ones likely to go bang. All it takes is a downturn in business or a postal strike.

I buy online, but I would never waste an independent's time and ask him to compete with the cheapest web price. I do my research on the web and then buy it.

Many of my customers are happy to pay a little more for the attention and the after-sales service. If we do get someone who has spent ages having demos and then pulls out the cheapest online price he can find we politely tell him to go and buy it online! If he wants the cheapest price then he can have the risk and if it goes wrong he can parcel it up and post it back!

We do this because in our long experience, the sort of customers who treat us like this are always the biggest trouble and quite frankly, for the margin that they expect us to work on they are simply not worth the bother. There are still enough fair-minded people out there for us to survive I'm happy to say.

Edited to say:

I really do worry about Tracker aka Starspirit. The guy is obsessed with me! I've started looking in my rear view mirror for an old chap in bad wig!

[michele]

And I have to ask how is that having ago at you ?

 

I must be stupid still I have been called lworse

Now I,ve read it and probably others can we move on more back to normal PLEASE.

[Guest tc102]

michele - 2007-10-11 5:53 PM And I have to ask how is that having ago at you ? I must be stupid still I have been called lworse Now I,ve read it and probably others can we move on more back to normal PLEASE.

Come on Michele. He knows it's me. He knows that I'm a High St. retailer. He then posts a thread advocating that people should go to shops like mine, have a demonstration and then buy it online.

What does he expect me to say?

Surely you must now see what he's really like. Knowing it was me, don't you think that the wisest thing would have been for him to keep his mouth shut?

Everything has been fine since last night and now Richard bloody Owen just has to come back and have another pop at winding me up.

I do not believe for one second that he didn't know exactly what he was doing!

I asked him to keep away from me and I said that I'd do the same. Is this keeping away?

Edited to say: This is what he said:

The best way is to go into your local retailers and try all the brands first andd then go and buy online.

All the brands! Spend hours maybe wasting a dealer's time and then buy online! What did he honestly think my reaction is going to be to a post like that. It's my livelyhood for God's sake!

[michele]

Frank i really shoulnt carry this on on here BUT>..............you know me.

He also says get your shop retailer to match the price ask if they can.

Also he says that he supports his local small shop dealer ...

You think that you may just be slightly over sensitive ? to what comes out of his mouth ???

Seems to me that there would be alot of topics not discussed if this keeps up.

 

[Guest tc102]

michele - 2007-10-11 6:03 PM Frank i really shoulnt carry this on on here BUT>..............you know me. He also says get your shop retailer to match the price ask if they can. Also he says that he supports his local small shop dealer ... You think that you may just be slightly over sensitive ? to what comes out of his mouth ??? Seems to me that there would be alot of topics not discussed if this keeps up.

No Michele, I not being over sensitive. He knew it was me. He knows my position as a High St. retailer and he knows that his policy would bankrupt a retailer if everyone did it.

Try all the brands he says. 'All' the brands, and then buy online. Or after spending an hour of some poor bugger's time hit him with the lowest price on the web.

Now he can do that if he wants, I couldn't give a toss, but why did he wade into a thread and post a reply to a post that I had made, which he knew would incense me?

Why did he feel the need to do what he must know will get a row going?

Do you believe for one minute that he didn't post this to wind me up?

Why does he do it? I want harmony. I want nothing to do with him, but every time he has to start it!

When will you all learn!

[Guest Tracker]

No further comment.

[Guest tc102]

Tracker - 2007-10-11 6:33 PM No further comment.

Excellent. Now please stop deliberately provoking me and keep away from me in the future and there should be no trouble.

[Mel B]

This was supposed to be a funny thread ... it's now deteriorated into the same old 'reading between the lines' problem.

 

Frank, not everything is about you personally. You are not the only person in the world who has a foot in the retail camp. Whether you like it or not, some people do look at goods in a shop and then buy online - not everyone buys from a high street shop, some can't afford the prices there so they buy 'online', it's their choice and it's up to them to live with it, conscience and all. If a retailer doesn't want to 'match' a price he doesn't have to, that's his choice. Not everything that can be purchased online is cheaper than in shops either, especially if you add on postage etc.

 

And, no, I'm not defending Richard, I'm defending anyone's right to be able to post on here without being picked apart. So what if you are a retailer? That doesn't make Richard, or anyone else's view of suggestions of what you could do any less important than yours. Even Michele has stated that she didn't see any problem with Richard's posting, and neither do I.

 

I also didn't see anything wrong with some of the content of your postings but its when you overstep the mark and start making personal accusations that I simply can't abide and I'm sure many others can't either. That's when a thread deteriorates and stops being a sensible airing of differences of opinion and become what this one has.

 

"When will you all learn!" - that is just plainly insulting to members of the forum.

 

Why do you have to keep mentioning that you think Richard is having a go at you, when it really isn't apparent from his postings on this thread - he, like you, is entitled to his view, and so are others, so please respect that.

 

I've also had a look at some other postings form you, I'm afraid I really am worried for you, seriously, if you cannot simply stop yourself from over-reacting, you are doing yourself no good at all. Please for your own sake think about what you are doing. :-|

 

 

Edited to say:

 

Whilst I was typing this up you have posted yet again, you do not own the forum and anyone has the right to post when they want, on any posting they wish.

 

[Guest tc102]

But don't you feel that in view of what has gone on between us in the past that he ought to have considered his response? Or even thought it wise not to respond at all?

Remember, he wasn't replying generally, he was replying to me! To a post that I had written, which was actually a bit light-hearted.

Do you honestly think that knowing what I do for a living, that what he wrote - to me remember - was a wise and sensible thing to do?

Do you really think that he did not know what my reaction was likely to be, and as I said, he knew it was me, so why oh why did he do it?

Anyone who cannot see that this was a go at me is, I'm sorry to say, not too bright, or hasn't read the thread properly.

I have pleaded with him to leave me alone as the obvious way for harmony on this forum is for us to not correspond. He seems utterly obsessed with digging at me and he knows that I utterly loath him.

So why did he leap into this thread with a response to my post? I am prepared to keep out of any thread in future that he is in, as long as he isn't having a go at me again. I just wish that you could persuade him to do the same.

[Guest Tracker]

Mel B - 2007-10-11 6:49 PM

Frank, not everything is about you personally. You are not the only person in the world who has a foot in the retail camp. Whether you like it or not, some people do look at goods in a shop and then buy online - not everyone buys from a high street shop, some can't afford the prices there so they buy 'online', it's their choice and it's up to them to live with it, conscience and all. If a retailer doesn't want to 'match' a price he doesn't have to, that's his choice. Not everything that can be purchased online is cheaper than in shops either, especially if you add on postage etc.

 

 

Thank you for saying that Mel.

The really sad thing is that I was going to say exactly what you have just said above but was afraid to do so lest Frank saw it as me having another go at him.

 

It seems anyone else can say what they think or make a joke except me?

 

Now is that a restriction of my right to free speech or what?

 

 

How many more times - I'm not having a go at him.

[Mel B]

Frank, please re-read my post, you appear to have missed the point.

 

Anyone can post, just because you have does not make it wrong for anyone else to do so, whether you like them or not. So that fact that Richard, or I, or anyone else you don't like, posts after you does not mean that we are having a go at you personally.

 

I suggest that if you don't want to have yet another barny with someone else, not Richard, or me, I mean anyone, you take heed of your own words and stop insisting that people are out to deliberately get at you, annoy you, wind you up, or whatever phrase comes to mind.

 

I do not want you to take this the wrong way but you are no more and no less important than anyone else on this forum.

 

You have just been banned for the second time, you have now come back on in yet another guise and this all starts again. If you seriously want to remain a member of the forum about not get banned yet again then I hope you are able to think about how you should be posting. You do have some good, intelligent, interesting, funny etc, things to say but I'm afraid that I am now getting to the point where I find I don't care anymore what you actually have to say on subjects, as they are constantly being overshadowed by your postings of a lesser kind, now I really don't have the desire to read through them to find out what kind of posting you have made.

 

 

[Guest tc102]

Tracker - 2007-10-11 7:19 PM

Mel B - 2007-10-11 6:49 PM Frank, not everything is about you personally. You are not the only person in the world who has a foot in the retail camp. Whether you like it or not, some people do look at goods in a shop and then buy online - not everyone buys from a high street shop, some can't afford the prices there so they buy 'online', it's their choice and it's up to them to live with it, conscience and all. If a retailer doesn't want to 'match' a price he doesn't have to, that's his choice. Not everything that can be purchased online is cheaper than in shops either, especially if you add on postage etc.

Thank you for saying that Mel. The really sad thing is that I was going to say exactly what you have just said above but was afraid to do so lest Frank saw it as me having another go at him. It seems anyone else can say what they think or make a joke except me? Now is that a restriction of my right to free speech or what? How many more times - I'm not having a go at him.

Are some of you totally stupid or what? I couldn't care less if you are so unprincipled that you'll spend ages in a shop with no intention of buying, don't you think that we don't get this all the time?

What I am appalled about is not that you have this dreadful attitude and are totally unscrupulous when it comes to spending your money, but that you pretend that you posted innocently!

I repeat, you knew that it was me posting. You must known what effect statements like yours must have on a High Street retailer. But knowing that it was me, knowing that I am a High Street retailer you still entered the thread and made what can only be described as a provocative post.

I'm all for free speech. I'm for a free market but that is not what this is about.

It's about you, who, knowing that we've just been banned for having terrible rows, knowing how much I loath you, still cannot resist posting, what you know will, without a shadow of a doubt, cause another row.

So I ask again. You knew it was me. You know that I'm a retailer. You must have known that I would find your comments deeply offensive. you must have known that to advocate that people should, as a first choice, waste my time for an hour looking at 'all the brands' and then buy it online, would get a reaction from me.

So why, in view of what's gone on in the past, possessed you to do what you did?

As I've known all along, there is only one answer to that question. You enjoy causing trouble. You are never happier than when posting sly and snide asides or comments such as the ones to me today. I really genuinely have come to pity you now. You have an affliction and it's very sad to behold. But unfortunately your antics end up causing the kind of rows that other people find to be a total nuisance.

I don't want this. I don't want you to debate with me. There is no hope for us so why, oh why cannot you simply ignore me and keep away?

If I attack you, or dig at you, by all means respond. But when it's a thread such as this and I'm in it first, don't you think it sensible not to have a go at me?

[MandyAndy]

Mel, I think you should copy that last paragraph and keep it somewhere, I have a feeling you will be using it again and again and again. This won't ever end, it is called attention seeking and it works well as we all can see.

 

I call it an inferiority complex myself, with a really bad personality disorder thrown in, such a shame for the forum but not something that will ever end I feel.

 

Have to say it makes MPT seem a doddle :-D

 

Mandy

[Guest Tracker]

MPT ? do you mean PMT?

[MandyAndy]

Not the way I get it , lol :->

[Guest tc102]

Mel B - 2007-10-11 7:45 PM Frank, please re-read my post, you appear to have missed the point. Anyone can post, just because you have does not make it wrong for anyone else to do so, whether you like them or not. So that fact that Richard, or I, or anyone else you don't like, posts after you does not mean that we are having a go at you personally. I suggest that if you don't want to have yet another barny with someone else, not Richard, or me, I mean anyone, you take heed of your own words and stop insisting that people are out to deliberately get at you, annoy you, wind you up, or whatever phrase comes to mind. I do not want you to take this the wrong way but you are no more and no less important than anyone else on this forum. You have just been banned for the second time, you have now come back on in yet another guise and this all starts again. If you seriously want to remain a member of the forum about not get banned yet again then I hope you are able to think about how you should be posting. You do have some good, intelligent, interesting, funny etc, things to say but I'm afraid that I am now getting to the point where I find I don't care anymore what you actually have to say on subjects, as they are constantly being overshadowed by your postings of a lesser kind, now I really don't have the desire to read through them to find out what kind of posting you have made.

I'm sorry Mel, but I'm giving up on you and this thread. You simply don't get it. It's not about retailing, or buying online.

It's about Richard Owen posting a provocative thread to me, when he knew that it was me and when he knew that I would find it totally offensive.

I'm sorry that you can't see that. I'm sorry that you somehow think that after a blazing row that got us both banned you feel it legitimate for him to act as he did and post as he did.

I repeat. I would like harmony but he and I are too far gone. The obvious thing for all our sakes is to keep out of each others way, but on returning, just hours after he was banned and it was all over, he's straight in to one of my posts.

Do you honestly think this reasonable?

[Guest Tracker]

No further comment again.

[KD]

slight overreaction i would say

[Guest Tracker]

Who Me?