Tuesday's Funny

[Lizzy]

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: definitely not WIFE: why not – don’t you like being married? HUSBAND: of course I do WIFE: Then why wouldn’t re re-marry? HUSBAND: OK – I’d get married again WIFE: You would? [hurt look on face] HUSBAND: [makes audible groan] WIFE: would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: where else would we sleep? WIFE: would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: that would seem like the proper thing to do WIFE: would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: no, she’s left handed. WIFE: silence ……….. HUSBAND: OOOPS!

[michele]

> Remember this when you next hang-up on someone! > >When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take >it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on >someone you don't know. >I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to >make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." >I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robyn >Carter?" >Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in >number!" >and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone >could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call >her,I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. >After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. >When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and >hung up. >I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it >in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had >a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It >always cheered me up. >When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' >calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this >is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with >our Caller ID Program?" >He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. >I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!" >One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. >Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had >patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting >for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in >his back window, so I wrote down his number. >A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had >his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW >arsehole, too. >I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" >"Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. >Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and >the car's parked right out in front." >"What's your name?" I asked. >"My name is Don Hansen," he said. >"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" >"I'm home every evening after five." >"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" >"Yes?" >"Don, you're an arsehole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my >speed dial, too. >Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up >with an idea. I called Arsehole #1. >"Hello." >"You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he >asked. >"Yeah," I said. >"Stop calling me," he screamed. >"Make me," I said. >"Who are you?" he asked. >"My name is Don Hansen." >"Yeah? Where do you live?" >"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my >black Beamer parked in front." >He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start >saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," >and hung up. >Then I called Arsehole #2. "Hello?" he said. >"Hello, arsehole," I said. >He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." >"You'll what?" I said. >"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed. >I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right >now." >Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at >34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill >my gay lover. >Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray >Blvd, Vaucluse. >I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just >in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in >front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. > > NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works! >

[howie]

Thought it sounded better when you told it 3 days ago

[michele]

Yes But I only told you ?

[howie]

Medication time 11pm. You can have your own back then.

[carolh]

The Bathtub Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO ME

[carolh]

The Bathtub Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO ME

[howie]

Thats the second time i,ve heard that joke Carol and I still think its funny.

[michele]

me to ........he he book me the bed next to you

[howie]

Teach Carol to go easy on that submit button.

[Lizzy]

I'll have the bed on the other side (lol)

[Mel B]

Forget the bed, I'm rolling about on the floor giggling! (lol)

[howie]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself with great care, painfully up onto the stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked him kindly, "crushed nuts". No he replied, "arthritis.

[Lizzy]

(lol)

[Lizzy]

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new Knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear Anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make Me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have Poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my Driver's' license.

[Lizzy]

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had Two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted Her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

[michele]

crushed nut's brilliant (lol) (lol) (lol) lmko

[howie]

How do squirrels keep their nuts dry. They swim on their backs.

[Mel B]

Howard I thought you were a bit nuts but didn't know you could swim as well!!! Don't suppose you're by any chance related to the 'Mission Impossible' squirrel are you??? Fur-well little friend!

[DarcyDog]

Apparently, according to my wife, when we were created God first made woman with three breasts but Eve soon realised that only two was required and asked for the middle one to be removed - which it was. Eve then realised she was lonely and asked for a companion. God thought for a bit then said "Ok - I will see what I can do - now where did I put that useless tit?"

[michele]

darcy dog lol

[howie]

[QUOTE]Mel B - 2006-10-03 8:12 PM Howard I thought you were a bit nuts but didn't know you could swim as well!!! Don't suppose you're by any chance related to the 'Mission Impossible' squirrel are you??? Fur-well little friend![/QUOTE]Bet that took you ages to figure out Mel. Not a great joke, but as with all gags its the timing that counts. Never seen "Mission Impossible" and I do hope you are not being unkind, but as the Mother Superior said, candles out by nine girls. I know plenty of jokes about Essex girls but best to keep my big mouth shut me thinks. ---------------------- Two dogs sat in the vets. The one says to the other, what are you here for. Shamefaced he explained that as his mistress got out of the bath she dropped the soap and has she bent down he was overcome by a moment of madness. I,m not supprised you are being put down said the first dog indignantly. I,m not being put down exclaimed doggie two. just in to have my nails clipped.