A Couple of Jokes

[enodreven]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

 

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

 

 

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

 

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

 

 

************

 

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that’s Michael, He's a doctor.'

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

 

 

************

 

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

 

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

***********

 

 

[Clive]

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie

Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall

for the benefit of the AARP

 

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the

legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

 

Here are the lyrics she used:

 

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses, Polident and

Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

 

When the pipes leak,

When the bones creak,=

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.

 

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.

 

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

 

When the joints ache,

When the hips break,

the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

 

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over

four minutes and repeated encores.)

 

Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would

appreciate it.