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Another funny - apologies to all Irish people!
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userMel B
Posted: 25 September 2006 7:56 PM
Subject: Another funny - apologies to all Irish people!
 


The special one

Posts: 12468
5000500020001001001001002525
Location: E Yorks, 2015 Globecar FamilyScout L Ducato Maxi


An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine" says the Irishman "Fair enough" says the boss.

"Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number
99, this time." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks
up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.
"Dere you go." The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So,
it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to Give the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules
again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space
for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark
at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" Whereby the Irishman leans forward and
points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred."

....

I just LOVE the logic!!!!
userLizzy
Posted: 26 September 2006 9:14 AM
Subject: RE: Another funny - apologies to all Irish people!
 
A posting machine

Posts: 342
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Location: Northamptonshire England


As I can't do sums [I'm discalculate at times] this tooka while but once I got into the Irish lilt ...........
userhowie
Posted: 26 September 2006 10:47 AM
Subject: RE: Another funny - apologies to all Irish people!
 


2000200010010025
Location: Dunnshargin


We had a tooka once Lizzy, but it died.
usermichele
Posted: 26 September 2006 2:21 PM
Subject: RE: Another funny - apologies to all Irish people!
 


50005000500100100100100
Location: Rapido ..ask him what size


40 Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of excrement.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f..king people person to you?
25. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh, I get it. Like humour. Only different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to kill.
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality


usercarolh
Posted: 27 September 2006 9:35 AM
Subject: RE: Another funny - apologies to all Irish people!
 


Pillar of the forums

Posts: 608
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Location: Grantham - rapido 741f - 2.8tdi fiat ducato - 02


Michele
Priceless
thanks - cheered me up this miserable morning
Carol
usermichele
Posted: 27 September 2006 11:06 PM
Subject: RE: Another funny - apologies to all Irish people!
 


50005000500100100100100
Location: Rapido ..ask him what size



>
>>> THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS
>>> UP
>>>AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
>>>WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE
>>>BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN
>>>THE BACK.
>>>
>>>THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
>>>I'M
>>>STAYING RIGHT HERE."
>>>
>>>THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
>>>CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN
>>>ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
>>>
>>>THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
>>>SHE
>>>ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
>>>
>>>THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND
>>>I'M
>>>STAYING RIGHT HERE."
>>>
>>>THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
>>>WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO
>>>REASON.
>>>
>>>THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED
>>>TO
>>>A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
>>>
>>>HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH,
>>>I'M
>>>SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
>>>
>>>THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID
>>>TO
>>>MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
>>>
>>>I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
>>>
>
And I,m Blonde

Edited by michele 2006-09-27 11:07 PM
usermichele
Posted: 27 September 2006 11:15 PM
Subject: RE: Another funny - apologies to all Irish people!
 


50005000500100100100100
Location: Rapido ..ask him what size




usermichele
Posted: 27 September 2006 11:17 PM
Subject: RE: Another funny - apologies to all Irish people!
 


50005000500100100100100
Location: Rapido ..ask him what size





Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing hers, when
the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop
that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800
dollars and leaves. The woman wraps herself in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob from next door," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the Story: -

If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.




Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing
gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry, sister, but
the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,
"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the Story: -

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.




Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep., an admin. clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it, and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"
says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says
the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my
life." Poof! Then he's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the
manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after
lunch."

Moral of the Story: -

Always let your boss have the first say.




Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: -
"Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and
rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the Story: -

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.



Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that
it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fourth day, there he was, proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Soon after he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.

Moral of the Story: -

Bullexcrement might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

(I seriously doubt that one's voracity!)


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