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BANDIDOS RULE....OK?


Usinmyknaus

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A work of total fiction of course:

 

Scene: Office of His Excellency the Mayor, Hacienda City. Consuela, a junior official in the Tourism Department enters nervously for her 10.30 appointment.

 

Mayor: “ OK, shoot.”

 

Consuela: It’s about the British Motorhomers Sir.

 

Mayor: “Motorhomes? Phw! Phw! I spit on them!”

 

Consuela: “Sir?”

 

Mayor: “Horrible, giant white things, clog up our streets, take three car park spaces which we could fill with three wealthy Swedes in my brother’s rented cars.”

 

Consuela: “But Sir, the campsite fees..”

 

Mayor: “Ha! Campsite fees?! Don’t make me laugh, my wife’s second cousin – we call him “The Poor One” – he owns the biggest site round here..... (fumbles for paper in desk pocket, waves it in Consuela’s direction) here, look at the gross margin.”

 

Consuela: “Yeesh!”

 

Mayor: “You said it! What a loser.”

 

Consuela, brightening briefly :”But they spend in the shops....”

 

Mayor, grimacing condescendingly ,“Oh they spend in the shops, well no, actually, they don’t, they buy cheap ingredients, make what they call paella on a gas burner outside their vans and wash it down with the cheapest Sangria they can get.” Turns paper over “Here, look at the margin from the wife’s second cousin’s site shop..”

 

Consuela: “Ooh er...”.

 

Mayor: “Exactly! OK so what about them?”

 

Consuela: “Well, we’ve had more complaints about them being targeted by the “Bandidos””.

 

Mayor: “Yeah, great isn’t it?”

 

Consuela: “Excuse me?”

 

Mayor: “Good lads, all of them, true patriots and doing a great trade for the city.”

 

Consuela, flustered: “Sir, I, I, don’t ...., er you're joking?”

 

Mayor, glowering, suddenly serious :”You’re young so I’ll cut you some slack, I NEVER joke about money, clear?”

 

Consuela: “Yes Sir, sorry Sir.”

 

Mayor, smiling expansively: “Look, the boys target the tourists, usually the English ones – remember the “Empire” eh? Ha, ha, little joke, no, so long as they don’t upset our people, what’s not to like?”

 

Consulela : “Well, sometimes people get hurt.”

 

Mayor (bangs fist on desk): “Totally unacceptable, when it happens we take action immediately. Last week two bandidos were cruelly knocked off their moped by a British Motorhomer who tried to escape. My first cousin, the lawyer, he assures me the boys will be millionaires once he has finished suing the Brit’s insurance company.”

 

Consuela: “But when the tourists get hurt....?”

 

Mayor: “Now, now, my younger brother’s ambulance company is always there to help and he charges all the costs to the tourist’s insurance, doesn’t cost the tourist a penny.” (Fumbles in drawer, produces thick file and chooses one sheet at random) “Look at the gross margin.”

 

Consuela, wide eyed: “WOW!”

 

Mayor: “You betcha.”

 

Consuela: “But the victims sometimes end up in hospital.”

 

Mayor: “Oh yes indeedee sweet cheeks, my Uncle, the consultant, tells me he’s doing a roaring trade, pretty much year round as the motorhomers are here throughout the winter. Gets everyone through a lean patch over New Year. Also, his hospital gives great service, all on the tourists’ insurance, doesn’t cost them a penny. Sometimes they even get to go home in an executive jet. How cool is that to tell the neighbours? We’re doing them a favour really and... (produces another file, opens it at random) LOOK at the gross margin!”

 

Consela stunned: “WWWWWOWWWW!!!”

 

Mayor: “Was that all?”

 

Consuela: “Well no, there’s the damage to the motorhomes, spiked tyres, spay-painted windows...”

 

Mayor, cuts in, brusquely: “You are new, aren’t you?”

 

Consuela: “Sir?”

 

Mayor: “OK, what do you think we should do?”

 

Consuela (nervously): “Well, we could arrange some police patrols to look for the bandidos, make life difficult for them.........”

 

Mayor: “All the police are fully occupied collecting fines from tourists for “traffic violations” (Winks, fumbles in drawer and proffers another piece of paper) “Look at the gross margin!”

 

Consuela: “Phworr!”

 

Mayor: “And that’s without the contributions to “Widows and Orphans”.

 

Consuela: “Widows and orphans, Sir?”

 

Mayor: “Did you just get found in a basket in the bulrushes? Oh never mind, look, the stupid tourists get stopped for the “violations”, the officers hit them with a big fine and when the really stupid ones don’t ask for a receipt – it goes to....”(waves hands suggestively).

 

Consuela: “the “Widows and Orphans” fund....!”

 

Mayor: “Exactly, now you’re catching on, it’s shared out at the police station and so long as we don’t make a fuss, the police union rep doesn’t ask for so much for the pay rise each year, everybody’s happy. Was there anything else? I’m due at a golfing lunch.”

 

Consuela: “But the damage to tourists’ motorhomes?”

 

Mayor: “Oh yes, that’s really great for local businesses, my nephews have four garages, a mobile windscreen franchise and a coachworks between them and they say business is better than ever this year - they can hardly keep up. They’ll all be taking on more workers this summer.”

 

Consuela: “But Sir, won’t the British tourists stop coming here?”

 

Mayor: “Have you seen the weather in Manchester? Close the door on your way out.......Josephina! Where are my golf clubs?”

 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual persons, alive or dead, or cities, alive or dead is purely co-incidental. The author fully accepts that most tourist destinations in the warm bits of Europe are modern, progressive and forward-thinking democracies whose governments would never condone malfeasance in public office. No doubt the authorities of affected countries are pro-actively tacking the wave of crime against motorhomers of all nations.

 

Err, aren’t they?

 

Bob

;-)

 

(The author and his family were targetted in a terrifying attack by men in two cars in Italy, the local police where totally uninterested, local witnesses were highly amused and watched with evident enjoyment.)

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Guest Tracker

The cynic in me suspects that this 'hidden agenda' is quite close to the truth and reality of European touring in certain countries?

 

Well written and composed and a highly entertaining read nevertheless!

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So first Motorhomers are being scared by the countless stories of gas attacks whilst they sleep in their vans, now if the gas attackers don't get us the 'bandito's will.

 

Looks like we should all sell our beloved Gas and Bandito attracting Motorhomes and go elswhere for our holidays, perhaps take a package holiday to a crowded Costa somewhere, but that would mean flying and those things fall out of the sky don't they, so best stay here in cold, wet and windy blighty at least it will keep the economy going for a bit longer.

 

In 20 years of touring in either my caravans or Motorhomes I have only been subject of a break in once, and that was partially due to my own stupidity for staying overnight on the parking area of a French service station and not setting the alarm.

 

Me and my OH are travelling to and touring Spain this summer and OH is nervous enough after the reports of the 'Bandito's'. Sure, these things do happen and the local police are worse than useless but come on, how many Caravanners and Motorhomers who tour Europe ona regular basis get gassed, robbed or have their units damaged ?

 

I think that this forum is great for providing people with advice and guidance and sure if someone is unfortunate enough to get robbed or have their units damaged then telling other's is a good idea. However, we should be careful that we do not get into the realms of scaremongering.

 

Not so very long ago when I reported the unfortunate incident I had in France I stated that I would never stay on Aires or go wild camping and preferred the security of a site. I was inundated with responses telling me how indiviuals never used campsites, what a waste of good money, never had any problems in 'X' number of years etc. etc. etc.

 

Not meaning to have a go at you, although I guess it may sound like it, but really just to say that there are a lot of new members joining the forum who are starting out on this wonderful lifestyle with the freedoms that come with it. Perhaps the roads are getting too busy with all the Motorhomes, stories like this may serve to scare people away from this wonderful Motorhoming lark, Mmmmm me wonders :-S

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Could always keep the van, park it up on one of the sites near London so that I do not have to keep travelling from Wiltshire to go to work and then treat it as my second home, now I wonder if I could claim some expenses for that :D :D
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The only experience I've ever had of criminal damage to a motorhome was about 15yrs ago, and that was in England.

Of course we need to take sensible precautions, but keep it in proportion!

 

That said, I've got to admit Bob's post is excellent, and could well be the way it works in some places. I've only been to Spain about three times, so can't comment on their particular culture and way of life!

 

Tony

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Thanks for the kind words Tracker and Tony.

 

Big Momma. I did not intend to spread a scare story, simply to raise the profile of security considerations in the light of some recent posts, hopefully in a humourous way and at a time when lots of new vans and new motorhomers (recession not withstanding) take to the roads.

 

I fully accept that crime is often worse in Brown's Britain than it is abroad - just look at how many lorry drivers feel compelled to leave their trailer doors ajar in the hope of not being beaten sensless and robbed while parked in laybys and service areas in Britain. Our regulators should be ashamed as should those of Italy and Spain.

 

My experience in Italy (before I had a motorhome) encouraged me to search this forum for the sage words of very experienced people (I still do not count myself amongst them after only two years) when first I bought my van. A good example being the vexed subject of Aires de Services. Before I ventured to France in the M/H for the first time I read everything I could on here and had no problems at all.

 

A heightened sense of awareness, developed from advice on here, has contributed to my enjoying safe European touring in the past two years.

 

Bob

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Guest Tracker

Sometimes the warning signs are there, if not always obvious to the unwary.

 

Piles of broken glass in a car park, the lack of other vans - particularly vans from the country you are in, lots of skid marks from hastily leaving cars, bits of broken locks or window catches etc on the ground.

 

No doubt there are other warning signs to look out for - and no doubt someone will post them on here?

 

Sometimes there may even be an official warning sign - assuming one can translate it.

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Good idea Tracker. Perhaps MMM should do a comprehensive article on the subject, by someone who really knows their stuff? It would make a great "cut out and keep" which could be re-read before heading abroad.

 

(I know there are problems here too but I think it is generally accepted that it is easier to get stung in a foreign country because one's radar for such things is not attuned to local conditions. Also, the warmer the climate the more I think we cold-conditioned Brits tend to relax and the guard tends to drop more often.)

 

Bob

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Bob,

 

I actually enjoyed reading your little ditty and the cynical side of me actually found me smiling in agreement. My response was not intended to come across as a criticism of you or your post, if it came across that way please accept my very sincere apologies :$

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Regulars will know that the Sparkle and I have lived in Spain for over six years now full-time.

 

We go out. A lot.

We tour all over Spain and Portugal in MH and on motorbike.

Loads of wild-camping in inland Spain, in national; parks, in and around Spanish villages, in "el campo" (the countryside), etc.

Loads of out-at-night for gigs/dinner/socialising etc.

 

 

 

Never been robbed, not from either house, nor car or motorbike or scooter, or MH.

 

Nothing ever stolen, no pockets ever picked, no scams ever scammed.

 

Seen only one fight in our village in all the whole time we've lived here (Honestly. And it was two drunkun English males in our village bar).

 

Local Police and Guardia Civil are obvious, visible, patrol around a lot, and DO NOT mess about with miscreants.

And have big guns and batons.

 

 

 

Personal view only: we LOVE it here, and frankly we both feel a whole lot safer than back in the UK.

 

 

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Hi Big Momma, no problem at all and I was happy to relate my intentions.

 

Hello Bruce, I know lots of Spain is fine as are most countries. You have the advantage of course of not being a tourist, i.e. your natural radar is that of a resident and you may even have Spanish registered vehicles which will be a huge advantage compared to a tourist in that you will not be an obvious target. Regretably many countries greatly assist the scammers and thieves by mandating that rental cars have specific "I'm a tourist/visitor" registration plates.

 

Sadly tourists seem to be targetted everywhere - for example on Westminster Bridge, outside the House of Commons last week I was disgusted to find at least 8 very unkempt women forcibly pinning "lucky heather" sprigs to tourists' clothing and demanding immediate payment. They were backed up by two evil-looking men. Large numbers of police officers nearby were taking no action but it must have been blindingly obvious to them what was going on. So from our foreign visitors' point of view our authorities were as useless to them as the Italian police where to me albeit that there was a different order of magnitude in the aggression I encountered in Italy and that it was directed specifically at the three vulnerable females in my party (so that I had to protect them and abandon the car).

 

I hope that this thread will make new motorhomers think about the risks, plan and act appropriately and so enjoy their first foreign foray, to whichever country that may be. Driving an unfamiliar vehicle, of unfamiliar size and bulk, in an unfamiliar environment inevitably increases vulnerability and that simply has to be managed.

 

My own view is that every country which encourages tourism has an obligation to do all that is reasonably possible to protect visitors. The police inaction in Westminster was a disgraceful example of failure in that regard.

 

Bob

 

 

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Bob,

 

I think an important factor that should not be overlooked when touring abroad is the language barrier. Trying to explain to the local Police, whether on a phone or face to face will be a trial even if they do speak English (albeit they may claim 'Non Comprendo'). What is the police reaction time to an incident, by the time they arrive the culprits will have already fled the scene.

 

The post script as always is take as much precautionary measures "as is reasonable", after all you are supposed to be on holiday. I apply the same amount of caution when in England. I travel to London on a very frequent basis and am wary of crowded places were pick-pockets operate, handbag snatchers, mobile phone thefts (straight from your hand when using it !!).

 

The Police may get painted as corrupt and unhelpful but let me just relay this story to you to show another side of the coin. It goes back quite a few years now, during the first mad cow disease outbreak in UK, when I used to live in Germany. I was returning to live in England and was making my way up the Autobahn to the ferry port at Rotterdam. I was in a UK registered vehicle towing a trailer tent and was accompanied by my now ex-wife and our 2 young daughters. I moved out into the middle lane to overtake a slower moving vehicle and before I knew it there was a police car up behind me, blue lights on summoning me to pull over. When the policeman approached he told me that it was illegal for me 'on that particular stretch' of autobahn to enter the middle lane with a trailer and he was going to fine me. I of course apologised, pleaded ignorance and told him that it was my last day in Germany and I was returning to live in UK. He put his receipt book away, smiled, told me to drive safely and not to eat the beef when I got home !

 

4 years ago after purchasing my current van from new and taking it on it's maiden voyage to Western France, I got off the ferry and within 1 Hour, on the motorway got a front tyre blowout. I pulled over on to the hard shoulder and tried to jack up the vehicle (the jack did not even begin to lift it off the ground). A Police car pulled up behind and on seeing the problem went to their vehicle, pulled out a trolley jack and then proceeded to assist me with changing the wheel. They then waved me off wishing me 'bon voyage'.

 

Not all foreign Police are monsters. Our own Police are no angels after recent events in London clearly demonstrated, but we should not tar everyone with the same brush.

 

I am more than a litle nervous now about our intending trip to Spain. However, I shall take all the actions I can to protect myself and then I can do no more except hopefully have a very enjoyable holiday without any unfortunate incidents to report, other than perhaps my satelite dish didn't work so OH couldn't watch favourite programmes (Now that really would be a disaster .......... NOT (lol) )

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Guest JudgeMental

http://www.spainexpat.com/spain/forum/viewthread/905/

 

The Spanish police have a fearsome reputation and are not comparable with other northern European police believe me......... And while I agree that only the “bad news" is considered newsworthy, better that and being prepared with suitable vehicle security, deadlocks, risk assessment techniques etc....

 

Surely awareness of potential dangers is better then naively venturing abroad in ignorance. Unaware of the dangers and the possibility of coming unstuck. It’s all about assessing the risk? And this has to be learnt, or at least considered and talked about. Then you can enjoy your holiday's.

:-D

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Wholeheartedly agree Judge. When I had my unfortunate incident in France a couple of years back I relayed that back using this forum. It was not to gain sympathy but to inform and advise others who may have been travelling in that area, forewarned is forearmed. However, I also admitted to making some very basic mistakes which may have contributed. Hence passing on valuable advice and information so that other's didn't make same mistakes or overlook some basics.

 

But with all things there has to be a sense of moderation, putting things in to perspective call it what you will. I saw and read, like a lot of others, all the posts on 'Gas Attacks' that went from genuine concern through to the sublime then the ridiculous. Just trying to keep a sense of proportionality ;-)

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Forewarned is forearmed and all that. It's not just motorhomes. We recently went to Barcelona and did a bit of research first reading about the pick-pockets and scams so we all ( and there was 24 in our group) took reasonable precautions about wallets purses and money. It didn't stop the scum trying to nick from us but we had the last laugh. So like Judge and all said take reasonable steps and you'll still enjoy the holiday.
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