Boys only. How to treat a woman properly (not)

[Guest peter]

 

 

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

 

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

 

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

 

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

 

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

 

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for pussies.

 

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

 

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

 

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

 

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

 

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be complaining about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

 

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

 

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?

 

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

 

15. After you have made love, say "listen toots, put your knickers back on and go make me a cup of tea".

If she laughs, is not out of the bed within 3 seconds, is not back within 3.5 minutes, or the tea is crap/does not come with decent biscuits (or any combination of the above) tell her that it's over until she learns to make better cups of tea; a Woman loves to better herself - give her the chance to do so.

 

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

 

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair, so every day is like a treasure hunt for her.

 

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

 

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

 

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about). She needs to get used to all of your smells and accept you for who you are.

 

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

 

22. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

 

23. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

 

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can.

 

25. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited, then don't call.

 

26. If you’re ever travelling on public transport in a foreign country with your girlfriend, make sure you stand near the automatic doors. When the bus/train is at a platform and the doors are about to close, push her off (if she falls over it’s a bonus as she is less likely to be able to re-board said vehicle). This will leave her stranded in a strange place with no way of getting home…. What an adventure! And will also teach her to never say your relationship lacks ‘spice’ again.

 

[Sandy]

Think someone might be in for an ear bashing (or worse!) from the ladies on here for those words of wisdom - I would take cover were I you - and quick!!

[couscous]

peter.

this echos similarities to my husband before and after i married him.

though i suspect you wrote in jest it brought back some sad memories.

gill

[kelly58]

To cause the most confusion always agree with her just keep saying yes dear I agree with you ,thats right ,yes I know what you mean, they cannot get their head around being agreed with and it will always defuse any argument.

[Sandy]

Nothing worse than a 'yes man' more likely to get chased around my house with a wet tea towel for being that than standing up for himself!!!

[bjphillips]

Having just gone down with the cold to beat all colds & feeling really sorry for myself got me to thinking.With all the advances in modern medicines no one yet has found the cure for the common cold.It did occure to me that it wouldn't be in the interests of the drug companies to find one.When any of us has a cold most tend to buy one or several of the medicines on the market to try to ease the agony but not one of them seems to do much good,just think if there was anything that actually stopped it or reduced the symptems at all then we wouldn't buy so much of the other rubbish that claims to ease it & down go their profits!!!!!! :'( :$

[Vic]

Try Mr Jameson, Mr teacher or Mr Bells. It may not cure your cold but at least the germs will die happy!

[Mel B]

peter - 2007-05-31 10:59 PM

 

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that. AND WHY WOULD SHE EXPECT A SENSIBLE RESPONSE TO THIS FROM A MAN????

 

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are). WOMEN WOULDN'T GRAB YOUR HANDS ... WE KNOW WHERE THEY'VE BEEN.

 

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up. YOU'D NEVER MAKE IT ... WE'D SEE YOU WITH OUR SIXTH SENSE FIRST.

 

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care. EVER HEARD OF ANSWERPHONES???

 

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement. IF WE'RE UPSET IT'D BE YOUR FAULT ANYWAY SO WE WOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU.

 

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for pussies. WE'D LEAVE THEM OUT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO TAX YOUR BRAIN WITH, THEY WOULDN'T BE WORTH STEALING REALLY BUT, HEY, WE ALL HAVE TO DO OUR BIT TO EXERCISE ONE OF YOUR MUSCLES.

 

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition. THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN, THE GIRL WOULD SEE SENSE AND RUN AWAY FROM YOU FIRST.

 

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can." YEAH, LIKE WE'D FALL FOR THAT ONE ... TAKING US OUT TO DINNER INVOLVES SPENDING MONEY YOU KNOW!!!!!

 

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames. WHAT FRIENDS? NAH, CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D HAVE ANY.

 

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD. YOU'D ONLY GET THE TRIMMINGS THAT HAD FALLEN ON THE FLOOR AFTER IT HAD BEEN CUT MATEY.

 

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be complaining about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear. I THINK YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG IDEA ABOUT 'COLD', THIS WOULD BE 'COLD SHOULDER' NOT FROM BEING PHYSICALLY COLD.

 

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night. PARTY ... WOULDN'T GO NEAR ONE WITH YOU IF YOU PAID ME.

 

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls? MY PETS ARE CLEAVERER THAT YOU SO THEY'D GET THE 'BITE' IN FIRST.

 

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball). NOT UNLESS I'M DEAD!

 

15. After you have made love, say "listen toots, put your knickers back on and go make me a cup of tea".

If she laughs, is not out of the bed within 3 seconds, is not back within 3.5 minutes, or the tea is crap/does not come with decent biscuits (or any combination of the above) tell her that it's over until she learns to make better cups of tea; a Woman loves to better herself - give her the chance to do so. YOU ARE REALLY DREAMING NOW???

 

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be. AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE'D CARE ABOUT YOU???

 

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair, so every day is like a treasure hunt for her. NAH, NEVER HAPPEN, YOU'D HAVE TO BE ABLE TO COUNT TO MORE THAN ONE TO DO THIS OTHERWISE YOU'D BE CONFUSED!

 

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her. REFER TO 3. ABOVE - NO RUDDY CHANCE!

 

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy. THAT'D BE ENOUGH TO MAKE MOST WOMEN RUN FOR THE HILLS THEN.

 

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about). She needs to get used to all of your smells and accept you for who you are. YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY OWN A T-SHIRT ... I'M IMPRESSED!

 

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man. CRYING FROM BOREDOM MORE LIKE ... WOULDN'T BE THERE AFTER 10 MINUTES, MORE SENSE THAN THAT.

 

22. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious. THAT WOULD MEAN THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO HAVE SOME UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT 'MUSIC' IS ... THAT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE.

 

23. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get. NAH, NO CHANCE - BLOKES CAN'T REMEMBER THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY, NEVER MIND ANYONE ELSE'S!

 

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. PRESENT IS A VERY MISLEADING WORD ... THE ONLY THING YOU'D GET IS SOMETHING THAT I'D PICKED UP AND DIDN'T WANT ANY MORE AND WAS GOING TO THROW AWAY ANYWAY.. NO REAL LOSS THEN.

 

25. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited, then don't call. WHO ON EARTH WOULD A WOMAN EXPECT YOU TO DO SOMETHING YOU SAID YOU WOULD ???

 

26. If you’re ever travelling on public transport in a foreign country with your girlfriend, make sure you stand near the automatic doors. When the bus/train is at a platform and the doors are about to close, push her off (if she falls over it’s a bonus as she is less likely to be able to re-board said vehicle). This will leave her stranded in a strange place with no way of getting home…. What an adventure! And will also teach her to never say your relationship lacks ‘spice’ again. I WOULDN'T GO OUT IN THE UK WITH YOU, NEVER MIND IN A FOREIGN LAND ... NO CHANCE.

 

Peter .. so glad you put the (not) at the end in the title!!! (lol)

[Dancer]

You seen a bit moody Mel, with that response.

Try this story.

A girl was subject to violent mood swinds, so, her boyfriend bought her a mood ring so he could see at a glance what he was in for.

When she was in a good mood the ring would glow a nice green colour, when her mood changed, the ring would make a bright red mark on his forehead.

Big hug.