Common Sense

[michele]

Obituary: The late Mr. Common Sense

 

 

 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

 

 

 

No-one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

 

 

 

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

 

“knowing when to come in out of the rain”, “why the early bird gets the worm”, “life isn't always fair” and “maybe it was my fault”.

 

 

 

Common Sense lived by sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

 

 

 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

 

 

 

Reports of a 6 year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a 6 year old classmate: a teenager suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch: a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

 

 

 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

 

 

 

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

 

 

 

Common Sense lost the will to live when the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

 

 

 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, and the burglar could sue you for assault.

 

 

 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live when a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilling a little in her lap and was immediately awarded a huge settlement.

 

 

 

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility and his son Reason.

 

 

 

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers, "I know my Rights", -"Someone else is to Blame" and I am a Victim".

 

 

 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

 

 

 

R.I.P.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:-|

[howie]

Not to worry missus. Here I come, son of common sense. :-> :-> :->

[chas]

The death of common sense has not been proved, in fact I know it is living very very near to me, I know I am right, its all the other bu99ers who are wrong. ;-)

[CliveH]

I do like that one Michelle - in particular the lady who sued Macdonalds over her coffee being hot!

 

As a result of this a thing called the "Stella Awards" (nothing to do with the lager - but because her name was Stella) highlighting the most stupid non common sence stories.

 

I will try and find the latest and post later if no one beats me to it.

 

My favourite is the Squirrel and the Grasshopper.

 

In case you havn't seen it I repeat it:-

 

 

 

The Squirrel and the Grasshopper

 

 

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

 

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building

and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The

shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies - out in the

cold.

 

THE END

 

 

THE BRITISH VERSION:

 

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building

his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks

he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come

winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

 

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press

conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be

warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper,

are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the

shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his

comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

 

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a

country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so

while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights

and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the

squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special

from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir

singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with

Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of

grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to

make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to

enter inner London .

 

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the

Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to

the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is

taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court he grasshopper did not want to work.

 

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to

furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be

socially mobile. The squirrels food is seized and re distributed to the

more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

 

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly

Imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

 

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

 

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the

squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council

house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to

maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs.

 

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug

illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their

treatment since arrival in UK .

 

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary

to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released

immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is

placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise

him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched

robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost

GBP10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.

 

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for

grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is

increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for

enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by

the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies

of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the

obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair

arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

 

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were

infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in

the United Kingdom .

 

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,

the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional tax on their pension funds, their extra taxes being required to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 whilst all government employees negotiate to keep their normal retirement age at 60 thus allowing those that make the decisions to retire earlier than the average whilst the rest of us work longer to pay for it.

 

The reason given is because of a shortfall in government funds.

 

[chas]

I have just put extra food out in the garden for our resident squirrel ! :'(

[CliveH]

Then expect a visit from the Politically Correct Thought Police some time later today.

[CliveH]

The Stella Awards

 

Some are funnier than others and sometimes the issue does not cross the pond that well – but still worth a look!

 

 

http://www.stellaawards.com/2006format.html

 

http://www.stellaawards.com/2005.html

 

http://www.stellaawards.com/2004.html

 

http://www.stellaawards.com/2003.html

 

http://www.stellaawards.com/2002.html