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JUST FOR A LAUGH


DESCO

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Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

 

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

 

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

 

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

 

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the ar8ehole - and they are interchangeable!'

 

Dave

 

--

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Some of my favourite one liners re polticians:-

 

In democracy it's your vote that counts;

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Mogens Jallberg

 

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

Larry Hardiman

 

'The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.'

Will Rogers

 

'In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.'

Thomas Pickering

 

'Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.'

Ronald Reagan

 

I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. Nancy Reagan

 

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'

Theodore Roosevelt (Could have been any number of presidents since and could easily apply on both sides of the Atlantic)

 

'The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it'.

Ronald Reagan

 

'I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting'.

Ronald Reagan

 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

Doug Larson

 

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.

Gore Vidal

 

'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it wrongly, and applying unsuitable remedies'.

Sir Ernest Benn

 

'In politics, absurdity is not a handicap'.

Napoleon Bonaparte.

 

On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.'

Alexis de Toqueville

 

'Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy'.

Ernest Benn

 

'Politics makes strange bedfellows rich'.

Wayne Haisley

 

'There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you'.

Will Rogers

 

'Politicians make strange bedfellows, but they all share the same bunk'.

Edgar A. Shoaff

 

'You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.'

Joseph Levine

 

'Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges, even where there are no rivers'.

Nikita Kruschchev

 

'Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.'

Mack McGinnis

 

Don't vote. You'll only encourage them.

Anon

 

'Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.'

George Mitchell.

 

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Mark Twain

 

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

Kin Hubbard

 

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

PJ O'Rourke

 

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Will Rogers

 

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.

Alfred E. Newman

 

:-S

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for

several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

 

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him.

 

He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

 

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

 

When my business failed, you were there.

 

When I got shot, you were by my side.

 

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

 

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .

 

You know what?'

 

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 

'I think you're bad luck, so please bugger off!'

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A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:

 

 

4th Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amock. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

 

3rd Place

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

 

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.

The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.'

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' , and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.

 

1st Place.

And the winner is . . ..

 

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'.

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SEXUAL ADVICE

 

A woman goes to her doctor for advice.

She tells him that her husband has developed a penchant for anal sex, and she's not sure that it's such a good idea.

 

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asks.

"Actually, yes, I do."

 

''Does it hurt you?" he asks.

'No.. I rather like it."

 

''Well, then," the doctor continues, "there's no reason that you shouldn't

practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.."

The woman is mystified.

 

"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replies. "Where do you think politicians come from?!"

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Finding myself with a few spare minutes today I thought I would do some mental arithamatic to fill the time, and to keep dementia at bay a little longer.

 

Now maths, and Spelling, was never my top subjects so if you spot errors in this please feel free to help me out and correct it.

 

I calculate that the average span of anyones arms, when two people are holding hands, would be about five feet, so I then calculated that if you got all of the illegal imigrants in the uk to hold hands in a straight line, they would just about reach right around the world.

Wasn't that clever of me.

 

Then came a horrible thought, if they did this, do you realise that more than half of them would drown

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Syd - 2009-07-16 7:29 PM

Then came a horrible thought, if they did this, do you realise that more than half of them would drown

 

Maybe if you chose your trans world route a lot more carefully Syd even more of them would drown?

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Tracker - 2009-07-16 7:43 PM

 

Syd - 2009-07-16 7:29 PM

Then came a horrible thought, if they did this, do you realise that more than half of them would drown

 

Maybe if you chose your trans world route a lot more carefully Syd even more of them would drown?

 

Didn't I mention that geography wasn't my favorite subject either??

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Syd - 2009-07-16 8:34 PM

 

Tracker - 2009-07-16 7:43 PM

 

Syd - 2009-07-16 7:29 PM

Then came a horrible thought, if they did this, do you realise that more than half of them would drown

 

Maybe if you chose your trans world route a lot more carefully Syd even more of them would drown?

 

Didn't I mention that geography wasn't my favorite subject either??

 

What a shame Syd - how about navigation then instead?

 

I do so enjoy avoiding land and staying on water when I can and I commend the idea to the house.

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Syd - 2009-07-16 9:35 PM

Tracker

Just to clear the air so there can be no misunderstanding between us I have gone to the trouble of listing below all of my favorite subjects

 

1)

2)

3)

 

 

That explains it all Syd in terms that even I can understand - thanks for that - and I thought that I was the senior empty headed forumite - but I bow to your superiority!

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1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

 

 

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

 

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

 

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

 

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish, greedy and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment is to discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

 

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to some religious groups not consulted in the felling licence.

He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.

He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal and fined another £100. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.

He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 for protesting and, being an honest man, because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.

He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.

While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.

They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release from prison is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence.

He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment discuss how many times the logger is going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

 

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in the USA and lost the lot.

With only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some illegal immigrant loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road.

They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives.

If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to ignore them than to deport them at the governments expense.

Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and start again.

The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master as well as a £500 fine for being racist.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap.

The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

 

You do the maths!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to fart.

 

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

 

I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my i-pod.

 

Oh bugger !!!!!

 

 

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It's Tough Getting Old

 

 

An elderly gentleman goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

 

 

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

 

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

 

The wife yells back at him,

 

" JUST GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

 

 

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A duck walks into a bar, "got any bread."

Barman says "no."

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No, we haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again i'll nail your beak to the bar you irritating bleeding bird."

"Got any nails?"

"No"

"Got any bread?" 

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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

 

 

Dear Grand-daughter,

 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

 

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

 

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

 

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed..

 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

 

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

 

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

 

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

 

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

 

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

 

Everyone started honking!

 

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

 

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

 

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

 

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

 

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

 

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

 

My grandson burst out laughing.

 

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

 

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

 

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

 

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

 

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

 

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

 

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How to Give a Cat a Pill

 

 

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.

 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

 

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-aid to partner's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

 

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

 

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

 

How to Give a Dog a Pill

 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

 

 

 

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Mum say's to young Susie you must stop doing cartwheels in front of the boys.

 

Susie but they keep asking me to do them.

 

Mum you know why they keep asking you don't you.

 

Yes they want to see my knickers, so I put them in my pocket before I start.

 

 

Dave

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One of Chubby's

Two Welsh lads meet up in a pub and start talking about tattoo's

1st lad bragging. "I have a tattoo of the name of the town i come from,all along the length of my willy"

2nd lad "That's a coincidence, so have I"

1st lad, "Well show us then"

2nd lad pulls his willy out, it said.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

1st lad "Bloody Hell..!! it's in capitals as well"  

2nd lad " Well show us where you come from then"

1st lad pulls his willy out, it said Ryhl.

Dave

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