Mick H. Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys." The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" The drunk replied, "s**t, I lost my wife, too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vindiboy Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 Man has a pet snake,and its not well,he takes it to a vet and vet says, nothing wrong with snake except its cold and must be kept warm. Man goes to cinema and takes snake with him in his pocket to keep it warm. during the film the snake becomes active as its warm in the cinema in the mans pocket. sitting next to the snake man is a courting couple, girl says to her boy friend, hey the man next to me is playing with his snake, boyfriend says so what,you are playing with mine, I know says girl, but his is eating my crisps !!! *-) *-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza454 Posted December 6, 2008 Share Posted December 6, 2008 A guy hires a hit-man to kill his wife of 40 years.Hit-man says "I'll shoot her just below the left breast."Hubby says "Excuse me, I want her dead, not knee-capped." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordThornber Posted December 7, 2008 Share Posted December 7, 2008 Giraffe goes into pub and asks for a whisky, "£10 please" says the barman. Barman says "we don't get many giraffes in here", " not b****y surprised at these prices", replies the giraffe.. Martyn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle." Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit." `````````````` A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year". The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!" The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mick H. Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 The Crystal Ball. Mike is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical. "Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball," Mike says. The executive types, "Where is my father?" The crystal ball answers, "Your father is fishing in Michigan.". The executive says to Rich, "I knew this was a load of bull. My father's been dead for twenty years." The inventor says, "Ask the question in a different way." The executive types in, "Where is my mother's husband?" The computer answers, "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mick H. Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 Is This Yours? A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for them and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it......stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "what did you do?" added the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey.....This looks like yours!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mick H. Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1488655367/bctid3893337001 quite good if the link works. Happy Christmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Letter in Golfing times It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. ; Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Jim EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look OK to me" said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days". The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having unprotected s£x?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well", said the doctor, "are you in a hom0s£xual relationship?" "NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!" "Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor wait for it... "Your mother must have been a carrier" :$ :D :$ :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza454 Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. “I'd love to be eight again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties! He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park: * The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies’ three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 This was sent to me today ... I LOVE the cat one!!!!! :-> From a Dog's Diary 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! From a Cat's Daily Diary Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. B***ards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously re*arded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................ (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Hilarious and so true! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of? 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.' So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.' And the blonde entered Heaven... :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?' Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...... ... . . . . . . . . . 'B*st*rds won't let me fart.' __________________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avongas Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Body Statistics: It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy measuring their thumbs. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avongas Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Durham, Sunderland, parts of Bradford, Huddersfield and anywhere in Wales Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spospe Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 How about a visual joke concerning the recent floods in England? The floods are getting worse ........... much worse ............. !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Once upon a time there was a Mommy balloon, a Daddy balloon and a Baby balloon. One night Baby balloon had a nightmare and went into his parent's room. He tried to get into their bed, but there was no room. He went round the other side of the bed, but there was no room for him there either. Baby balloon jumped on the bed and tried to squeeze in between his sleeping parents, to no avail. He then had an idea - if he undid the string he could squeeze some air out of Mommy and make some room in the bed. He did this, but the space was not big enough, so he let some air out of his Daddy. Almost there, he just needed to make himself slightly smaller. Success! He snuggled down between his parents and slept until morning. At the breakfast table, his Mommy and Daddy were very cross. 'Son, you have been very naughty' said Daddy balloon 'you should be ashamed of yourself - . . . . . . .. . . . . . . not only have you let your Mummy and me down, you have let yourself down as well. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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