Mel B Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Just to cheer everyone up a bit, here a few new 'funnies' for you to have a chuckle over. :-> Subject: gordon brown school visit Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school in North Yorkshire where he looked in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.' No,' said Brown........' that would be an accident. 'A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Mr. Brown ' that's what we would call great loss' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon Brown searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mr. Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brown. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 Giving Up Wine ... A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’ ‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman said. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' the woman asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive. 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' enquired the woman. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well, said the woman, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight. The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' The woman responded, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 THREE MEN HIKING! Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please Give me strength and the tools to cross the river.' Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong Legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.' Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. COPY THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY AN WHO CAN HANDLE IT! Moral: 'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geof Angi Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Mel I can only say well done, i liked the first one best Geof Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Here is one I like What Do You Do All Day? A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.' J :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Come here theres more DEAF WIFE 'priceless' Good chuckle for the morning A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' 20 That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' (I just love this) 'Ralph, for the FIFTH B.....y' time, CHICKEN!' J *-) *-) *-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted October 21, 2008 Author Share Posted October 21, 2008 Brilliant! (lol) I see Dave's been posing again ... must admit pink does look very nice on him! ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 I was feeling left out so this one is me, I filled the other one too well so I changed for a better fit and colour, not so sweaty either :$ *-) :$ *-) (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted October 22, 2008 Author Share Posted October 22, 2008 And very nice you look too Jacqui! :-> Ladies ... I'm sure many will really enjoy this one! especailly those with couch potatos as husbands!! Subject: Women's Revenge 'Cash, cheque or card?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 I am going to start practising this , sounds fun!!!!!!!!!!!!! The question is: What Do Retired People Do All Day? Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a s**t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. *-) :$ :$ As if people really do this? or do you know different?? ;-) ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 brilliant ROTF :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hymer C 9. Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Mel / Jacqui, thanks :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted October 24, 2008 Share Posted October 24, 2008 Perhaps not politically correct, but I can identify with at least one of these.... Answering Service This is the transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute. Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. * If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly. * If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you. * If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6. * If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. * If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. * If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. * If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press - no-one will answer. * If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696. * If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. * If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. * If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. * If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. * If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short term memory loss: Press 9. * If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 "OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetheart says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Darling, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today. "OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the car park. "OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Bet this gets some comments (^) (^) (^) (^) The Why's of Men 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know.....it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) And the personal favourite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) remember its just for a laugh *-) (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 couldnt resist these either 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face andlaughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart! One for the ladies....... One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ...' And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' ----------------------------------------------------------- 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. ----------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour ----------------------------------------------------------- Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. ----------------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.' ----------------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Thanks for the vote of confidence Jacqui but if that's the way you really feel about men - why did you marry one - or are you just a nice cuddly pussy cat really and only pretending? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 I can identify with this one, and most of the people on here as well I bet *-) *-) CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Takeaway food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit tingles and some crackers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no videogames at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound,no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no, really! We were given BB guns and slingshots for our 10th birthdays, We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga in 1956. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet! Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks or leather straps and bullies always ruled the playground at school. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Familiarity breeds in tents - but only if you're lucky? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Eight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing cricket without a box. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. AND; He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said . . .. I would but you're never there. He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said . . They don't have time He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said . . We don't know; it has never happened. He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends. She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? He said . . . A widow. He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mick H. Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Do you sometimes get the feeling it's hate men week,or should that readhate weak men, week. What do you call a person who checks the little wheels on settees. A Castor rator Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 I don't hate men, Mick, I just haven't found a use for them yet :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 J9withdogs - 2008-10-30 4:37 PM I don't hate men, Mick, I just haven't found a use for them yet :D Perhaps you are looking at the wrong men? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 errrmmm - I looked at you once and you dumped me... :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mick H. Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 As a plane is about to crash a woman jumps up and says, if I am about to die I want to die feeling like a woman, and takes all her clothes off. Is there anybody on this plane man enough.A man jumps up takes off his shirt and says here you are, iron this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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