Friday! and the joke emails have already started.

[CliveH]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

 

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

 

 

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

 

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:

Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

 

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

 

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

 

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

 

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

 

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

 

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

 

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to s**t all over the place.

 

The first man is really amazed and appalled by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What the h*ll is going on?'

 

 

 

 

 

The agent nervously replies,

 

 

 

 

'He just found a bomb.'

 

 

[LordThornber]

:D :D :D :D

[CliveH]

Not so much a joke - but!!!!

 

 

 

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is a well known 'Australian treasure!'

 

 

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

 

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

 

 

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

 

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

 

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

 

8-) 8-) 8-) (lol)

[CliveH]

An oldie - but a goodie!

 

THE TAXMAN COMETH

 

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

 

 

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

 

 

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

 

 

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

 

 

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

 

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

 

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

 

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

 

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............

 

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

 

(lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol)

[Tony Jones]

In a similar vein to the General Cosgrove one above, but with no claims to historical truth (and even older than the "Rabbi" one):

 

A Highlander was in court accused of illegally distilling whisky.

He protested his innocence: "Not a drop o' whisky has been made in that shed since mah grandad was a boy. Your man searched the place, and he didna find any!"

The Judge replied "We don't need actual whisky as evidence. Ye had the equipment, so in the eyes of the law ye're guilty. Fined £10."

The Highlander pulled out his wallet (on the condition of which I refrain from comment) and said "Here's £20 - Ah'm pleading guilty to rape as well!"

"Surely ye've nae committed rape, have ye?"

"Noo, but Ah've got the equipment!"

[donna miller]

I'm away for the weekend, so here's a few to keep you going.

 

 

 

Why are more people against fur than leather?

Because it's easier to pick on rich old ladies than motorcycle gangs.

 

...........................................................................................................

 

Fairy liquid have made a new advert and it is set on a council estate.

 

"Mommy, why are your hands so soft"?

"Because i'm only 13, now SHUT UP and finish your pot noodle

 

.............................................................................................................

 

 

I went to a cinema in Bradford city center to see the film “Slumdog Millionaire”, I was taken aback, I couldn't believe the poverty, the cruelty, the violence and all of them scruffy Indians, then I thought that’s enough of hanging around these streets, I better go in and watch the film.

 

............................................................................................................

 

Frozen crabs:

 

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen

crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box

for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's

refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally

responsible for the crabs staying frozen,

mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to

rant at her about what would happen if she let them

thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to

announce to the entire cabin,

Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in

New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

 

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

 

Two lessons here:

1. Men never know when to shut up

2. Blondes are not as stupid as you like to think.

 

 

..............................................................................................................

 

New Boss.

 

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of employees, so he wanted to let them all know he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked: 'How much money do you earn a week?'

 

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied: 'I earn £400 a week.'

 

The CEO then handed the guy £1,600 in cash and screamed: 'Here's 4-weeks'pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!'

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked: 'Does anyone want to tell me what that clown did around here?'

 

From across the room a voice said.........

 

 

 

'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

 

.............................................................................................................

 

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bugga?!"

 

 

:D :D :D :D :D