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How to Get Even With Your Bank.


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A 98 year old woman wrote to her bank.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times:









Dear Sir,


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.


By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years.


You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.


I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, will choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore (and hereafter) no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank who you must nominate.


Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.


Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him (or her) as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.


Please note that all copies of his (or her) medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.


In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.


I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Let me level the playing field even further. When you phone me, press buttons as follows:


1. To make an appointment to see me.


2. To query a missing payment.


3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.


4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.


5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.


6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.


7. To leave a message on my computer. A password to access my computer is required. The password will be communicated to you at a later date following my receipt of the necessary 6 copies, each signed on each page, in triplicate, of this Authorizing Contact.


8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.


9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold for 16 minutes, pending the attention of my automated answering service.



While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the wait, interspersed with repeated automated messages saying how valuable you are to me and how very important your call is.




Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement; and an ongoing annual arrangement renewal fee thereafter



May I wish you and all your colleagues a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.



Your humble customer,










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