Guest Tracker Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US! An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood..' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US 'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!' Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex..' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.. Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US MORE SENIOR DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.' After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh dear, am I driving?' TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 Hey Rich,I thought a Porsche was a 911 :-DHas it happend to me??Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 Yes Dave it looks that way? However, that's also the effect Janine can have on your mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malc d Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 The question is: How do you know when you've reached old age ? ;-) ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 malc d - 2010-01-14 4:38 PM The question is: How do you know when you've reached old age ? ;-) ;-) When it takes you all night just to do once what you used to be able to do all night! When everyone else fails to speak clearly enough for you to hear clearly enough? When the rest of the world is dumbing down faster than you can keep up with? When TV programmes are stupid and aimed at teenagers and allegedly 'new' comedy is neither funny nor witty? OK - so on those guidelines I guess that I must now be old !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAB Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 When you know better than anyone else on the forum and must reply to every posting to give the benefit of your experience? Now where's the air-raid shelter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAB Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 Didn't mean to bring this thread to a crashing halt - I was enjoying the comments. One of my favourites is that experience is knowing that you have made the same mistake before - you just can't remember when. So true in my case. Clive Or on the forum having to make so many edits! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malc d Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 Or you end up in a river because that's where your sat-nav told you to go. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 CAB - 2010-01-14 10:49 PM When you know better than anyone else on the forum and must reply to every posting to give the benefit of your experience? Now where's the air-raid shelter? Maybe there is hope now that you have spotted what you have been doing and should be able to stop yourself in the future Clive! It must have taken a lot of guts to share your problem with us all and I promise not to tell a soul! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starvin marvin Posted January 16, 2010 Share Posted January 16, 2010 malc d - 2010-01-14 4:38 PM The question is: How do you know when you've reached old age ? ;-) ;-) When the Pope looks young. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Momma Posted January 17, 2010 Share Posted January 17, 2010 When a man knows he is getting old: When a woman stands up on the underground and offers him her seat ? When the wife say's "You go open the gates and I'll park the Motorhome" ? When he has to sit down to have a "pee" ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAB Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Tracker - 2010-01-15 5:36 PM Maybe there is hope now that you have spotted what you have been doing and should be able to stop yourself in the future Clive! It must have taken a lot of guts to share your problem with us all and I promise not to tell a soul! But it's all part of the fun and cammaradarie of this forum to share our problems in confidence. I'm assuming all this thread is "tongue in cheek" - nice change from some of the (mostly useful) more serious offerings where you are more likely to be shot down in flames. Must rush - just been caught short again. Nice thing about having to sit down on the loo is that you can take the newspaper with you (and the older you get the longer it takes). Clive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 CAB - 2010-01-18 2:24 PM Nice thing about having to sit down on the loo is that you can take the newspaper with you (and the older you get the longer it takes). Clive Ever considered getting a laptop computer with wireless connection - that way you could not only pass crap but read it at the same time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CAB Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Tracker - 2010-01-18 5:06 PM CAB - 2010-01-18 2:24 PM Nice thing about having to sit down on the loo is that you can take the newspaper with you (and the older you get the longer it takes). Clive Ever considered getting a laptop computer with wireless connection - that way you could not only pass crap but read it at the same time! I hope you are not referring to your posts? ;-) Many a true word ... Clive PS - Of course I meant I already have a wireless laptop :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 There is probably far more crap on here that I alone can take credit for Clive as many of us are collectively 'doing our bit'!! Is there a collective noun for lots of crap? We have shoals of fish, herds of cattle and schools of whales - but a pile of crap seems a bit bland somehow? Any thoughts anyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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