Guest peter Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Official Monster Raving Loony party MANIFESTO proposals Scroll down to view the forward thinking and positive contributions to political life that the Loony party is famous for: Please note that anyone is welcome to put forward proposals for consideration. If you have a proposal email us at: admin@loonyparty.info Also note we may not reply to your email although we do read every one. 1.Cool on the outside: To combat global warming and climate change all buildings should be fitted with air conditioning units on the outside. 2.Wheelie Bins: The idea of weight monitoring chips in wheelie bins should be scrapped, instead the wheels should be removed, this would mean that if people generated too much waist they could not put their non-wheelie bin out for collection. It would also help prevent them being chucked into canals. 3.Needles Due to the increasing number of children afraid of needles, I propose the destruction of the tedious, scary and often painful process of school vaccinations. Instead, I propose that highly trained nurses should be given free reign on the playground with specially modified tranquillizer rifles which apply vaccinations as well as a tranquillizer. This would have two main benefits: It would be less scary for the children as they will not know what hit them, also it will be more fun for the nurses 4.Hypocrites It is proposed that all politicians be made to swear a "hippocratic oath", preventing them by law from being Hypocrites. All politicians should be made to stand by their policies, or or at least admit that they were wrong. 5. GCSE Lottery It is proposed that, before the beginning of exams, the exam board will select a certain obscure phrase which will be kept secret. If any pupil inadvertently writes this phrase in any exam,he/she will automaticaly receive straight A* grades, and a free teddy. 6.One Sided Policy It is proposed that The European Union end its discrimination by creating a "Court of Human Lefts" because their present policy is one_sided. 7.Prison Food The problems of prison overcrowding and increased crime will be solved easily by issuing a compulsory contract on McDonalds to do all prison catering. Convervative estimates suggest a 50% reduction in crime rates within 2 years with 0% re-offender figures. 8.Political Colours All politicians should paint them self's permantly head to toe in the colour of the party they represent - e.g. all Labour candidates in Red , all Conservatives in Blue ,etc,etc 9.One hours silence. At 12 0' clock pm every day we will have a one hour silence dedicated to our time that has been lost due to work, home and labour 10.Good Heroes Make it illegal for super heroes to use their powers for evil. 11.Safe Tractors Ban tractors from driving on roads, they can drive across their fields. 12. 13.Scary Terrorists Ban all terrorists from having beards as they look scary. 14. 15.Poop Scoop Anyone allowing their Hyena to poop on the pavement should shovel it away immediately, As this is no laughing matter 16.Put a Sock in it All socks to be sold in packs of 3 as a precaution against losing one. (checkout this website to find the inventor of this product www.THROX.com ... ) 17.A Hanging Offence It is proposed to systematicly destroy all wire coat hangers. Shirts slip off them. People hang them on doorhandles. They bend when you hang jeans on them. The flick off rails. They join together in pairs. The gaggle in dodgy, tinny, wiry orgies, tingling nastily. They have a static sneer. Have you ever actually seen anybody buy them? Who even sells them? Do they just appear in your wardrobes? They seem to have a near endless domestic omnipresence. Not only a waste of wire, but a waste of time. How often have you had to rehang things on them? Or perhaps Reiron shirts after being bent ruthlessly shapelss thereon? Then they spin of the rail and onto the floor. You kick them and then get wrapped around your foot, or sibling. And then if you can find a bin that will fit such a stupidly angular object, the sadistic little sharp corner on the hook rips the bag and there it is again, escaped. What a malicious little sod. Let's face it; The only use for metal coat hangers is to unravel them and make them into something else. Therefore, it is proposed that all wire coathangers should be systematically hung, drawn and unravelled, under the 1936 Public Order Act. 18.Eurofit The European Constitution which will be sorted out by going for a long Walk. "As everyone knows that walking is good for the constitution" 19.Sweet Shares Sell shares in Northen rock, buy shares in Blackpool rock! 20.Terror Passport Separate Passports for Terrorists: Terrorists should be required (by virtue of law) to apply for separate passports in which they give there full contact details, number of explosives, and time (as well as location) of any plot. This would save time and money in gathering intelligence, and could also help identify the intended ambition(s) behind any atrocity(s). 21.Obeescity in Kids If you want your kids to be less fat...feed em less (do we need to make a policy of this?....its common sense) 22.Making Taxes Irrelevant Abolishing the ‘inheritance tax’ is all well and good, but what will the funds be replaced with? It is proposed to create an ‘irrelevance tax’, where people of limited seriousness make up the tax shortfall. What better way to obtain public support than to abolish inheritance tax AND pay the public’s taxation at the same time! 23.Allotted Proposal A proposal by DBopenlock. Make Weeding an olympic sport in order to save the 100 year old Manor Garden Allotments from being demolished for the 2012 games. 24.Isle of? It is proposed that the Isle of Man be renamed to "The Isle of Men, Women, Children and some Animals" as not just men live there 25.NHS Dentistry. All newly trained Dentists will be require to have three teeth removed, 2 fillings and root canal work done without anesthetic. Then they will know the agony they inflict on the rest of us. 26.Interesting News: Every day the news should tell people an interesting fact in a hope to increase people's knowledge. 27.A Warm solution: It is proposed that all pavements are heated so it is possible to walk bare foot in the winter, this would also serve another purpose by making the pavements warm no ice would form on them thereby reducing the risk of injury for everyone. 28.A Lions share: It is proposed that we change the English symbol of three lions to 3 badgers. How often do you see lions running round the countryside, we should be proud of the lack of wild and interesting species on our fair isle. 29.Olimpic event: 'Following the Leader' is a pastime that has been cast aside by society today and we think it should become an extreme event in the Olimpicks. (We are keeping this one hidden from Tony Blair as he may make it law) 30.Political correctness The Isle of Wight should be changed to: "The Isle of Mixed Races, and Cultures Located off the Coast of Britain." 31.Animal fashions It is proposed that :Pets, especially cats and dogs, may not be dressed in miniature human clothing for the purpose of human amusement, unless the animal in question can equip the clothing himself/herself. Punishable by dressing the owner of the animal in miniature human clothing. 32.Edukayshun GCSE English exams be given a more straight-forward layout, with lots of short questions like the Maths papers have. 33.Education (Skool acktiviteas) Homework should be banned as it is bad enough for kids having to go to school let alone bring it home with them 34.Bright Skoolkids Bright pupils will be provided with dimmer switches to prevent them distracting the rest of the class. 35.Skool Dinners r hot? School dinners must be regularly checked for radioactivity. 36.P.E.lessons We should teach proper sports in P.E. e.g. Fishing, Fencing, and how to let the head teacher's car tyres down without getting caught. 37.Education As well as using computers in schools, children should be taught to reed, rite, and appreciate rock. 38.Keep Edukayshun Fit In order to keep our teachers fit, 3 periods a week of PE will be allocated for teachers/headmasters and any ancillary staff who happen to be in the area (i.e dinner ladies etc,) (and pupils get to watch. Skipping for men and football for ladies) 39.Bench mark for schools To combat discomfort and possible medical litigation, Cushions will be provided for all school chairs. 40.Skools Out School will be dismissed if three or more pigeons make it into the central corridor. 41.SKool Dinners Pizza Hut and KFC to provide school meals. 42.Teaching Skool Dress Code All teachers should come to school dressed as pink teddy bears then they will not be so intimidating. 43.Too much Talking Languages should be banned in schools as most kids (and adults) have trouble with English. 44.No fly Zone It is proposed to declare the Channel Tunnel a No Fly Zone. 45.Telling Fibbs It is proposed that Political leaders are banned if they avoid a straight answer "Yes" or "No". As they may still be telling fibbs, any such person found to string out an answer longer than2.8 seconds should be forced to undertake a lie detector test. 46.Elecshun Lottery It is proposed that people should have a free go on the national lottery when they go and vote. 47.Bugged Singers All singers who's names sound like infectious diseases( i.e: Chriestina Aguilera, Natalie Imbruglia) will be provided with free antibiotics courtesy of the NHS, just in case it spreads. You can never be safe enough! 48.Paper (Health & Safety) Paper cuts (being extremely painful) should be banned. Paper manufacturers will be required to surround all paper with a foam frame. This will ensure that it will not be harmful to children under the age of 80. 49.Say "No" to Cruelty It is proposed to abolish all kinds of animal cruely including flie swatters, hunting, chasing kangaroos off cliffs etc, also eating of plants as it causes undue stress to the plant and all weed killers shold be considered as a weapon of mass destruction, pain should also be made illegal. 50.Poetic License Poets will have to sign up for a 'poetic license' this way shoddy poetry will be eliminated. Also in the test for the license wannabe poets will need to write funny limericks. They will be asked to produce at least one a week, or they are stripped of their license. 51.Fun Shopping To boost the country's economy - it is proposed that British citizens visit shopping centres wearing a squeeky red clown nose and green wig. This would make shopping mush more fun. 52.Stop Me and Fry One Combine the love of Fishing with the great british love of queuing by putting bus stops near canals and lakes. This will also provide convenient homeward transport for britain's proud anglers and will save space. 53.Nice Curves A government agency will be set up to paint contour lines on to hills and colour roads the same as on maps. This will help people know where they are. 54.Elections Make You Cross. Why do we put a "cross" on the ballot paper. A cross normally means "thats wrong". We propose that a "tick" would be more suitable. Putting across next to someones name on the ballot paper is as good as writing "monumental cock up" next to their name. 55.Iraq. Polcy on Iraq: Since Iraq needs to have a proper infrastructure before they can run their own country, I propose we send our traffic wardens out to Iraq to give tickets to American Jeeps and Tanks illegally parked thereby raising much needed revenue for the Iraq government (and giving us a much needed break!) 56.Prescott Day Since we have Guy Fawkes day because Fawkes ATTEMPTED to destroy Parliament (Penny for the Guy, mate!) and we burn effigies of Fawkes, should we not have a John Prescott day for SUCCEEDING in destroying Parliament, well credibility at least (Penny for the John, mate!) and we could throw John on the bonfire. 57.National Defense. To keep our nation on it's toes, we should have a minimum of 2 nuclear war drills a day. 58.Jumping the Que We propose dedicated pogo stick lanes on routes to centres of work. 59.Parking Wardens Sarcasm. All traffic wardens should be banned from using the phrase "Hello wing commander having trouble taking off" 60.Lucky Month. We propose to create 13th month, to get all those little things out of the way. The things you just never had time to do... like take out the trash, vote in a general election, learn Latin... Another benefit would be that all monthly paid earners would receive an extra months pay. 61.Nessie The Loch Ness Monster should be added to the endangered species list. 62.Good Knight Ozzy Osborne must receive a knighthood. 63.Home of your Own All new homes should be built with a swimming pool and bouncy castle as standard. To lower the house prices and help young people I propose we erase the last ‘0’ from the price. 64.Seating Arrangements All armchairs and sofas should be redesigned so as not to include a gap where small articles (such as loose change, keys, remote controls and kitchen sinks) can fall down. 65.Disipline in Parliament Government Whips will only be used if a politician has been really bad. Minor offences should receive the political slipper. 66.Footnote Asterisks will be banned* 67.Asylum's a Joke All asylum seekers would be allowed to stay as long as they can tell a good joke 68.Defense All soldiers serving abroad would be issued with a long ranged laser guided water pistols 69.Obecity...obeesIT....fat kids To tackle the growing problem of obesity in children, It is proposed that all stair lifts in old folks homes be removed and replaced with hand operated pulley systems. These pulley systems will be operated by the obese children on a rotational period so as not to cut into their schooling. The effort required to lift these OAP's will be adequate exercise for our plump offspring. 70.Foreign policy: Whenever Great Britain is to play host to a foreign nation in an international sporting event, the British teams should ensure that the visiting team wins. This is correct and proper - it is only polite to allow our guest to win a few games. The beneficial effects of such a policy should not be underestimated, indeed the recent war in Iraq could well have been averted if the forces of Saddam Hussein had been allowed to win a one day international cricket match or a nice game of rugger. 71.Saintly State The creation of a "State-Saint-System" where-by people can vote for ANYONE who they wish to be blessed in as a saint - EXAMPLE. St Dodd of Tickle-stick, St Roy of the Rovers. 72.N.H.S Chocolate be available as a prescription drug 73.Pay for Free CD's Free CDs with magazines and newspapers be made genuinely free, and available to take away from shops, supermarkets and filling stations etc, and the purchase of the related newspaper and magazine selling the free CD, along with the CD itself be made an optional extra? Those that choose not to buy the newspaper can then nominate a fish and chip shop to send the newspaper to, thereby supporting the environmentally friendly practice of paper recycling? CDs aren't really free if you have to pay to get them! 74.Paperwaits Weekend newspapers. They're rather heavy aren't they, especially broadsheets? A lot of supplements you'll never bother to read. A waste isn't it? How about paying a price for the 'Basic Broadsheet Package', that of the main newspaper on its own, and then a small top-up charge for those newspaper supplements that you will actually read, and leave the other supplements on the shelf to remain available to those interested in them? 75.N.H.S Maltesers should be on prescription. 76.Traffic As you may be aware, there have been recent measures to reduce congestion in London with proposals for other major cities to follow suit. It is proposed that all car owners in the affected areas (London and soon Birmingham, Manchester, etc,) be forced to replace their cars with hovercrafts for the following reasons: 1. Hovercrafts can go on all terrain, meaning they can spread out, take short cuts and go on water etc. 2. As they are inflatable, being hit by one will be less painful. 3. They could use the canal system, thus creating extra jobs and revitalizing a sadly neglected part of our Heritage. 3. Electric eels like hovercrafts because of their association with the see, therefore, electric eels should be persuaded to jump start any hovercraft where the battery is dead. 77.Best meal of the Day It is proposed that we should introduce Asparagus for breakfast. 78.Mind the manholes In order to reduce polution all cars must have their engines removed, instead they should have holes in the bottom where people can put their feet and run along. This would be a little bit like the flintstones 79.Women's football To get more men to watch women's football all players should have to swap shirts at the end of games (or better still, every time they kick the ball?) 80.Rainbow stop It is proposed that we should get rid of three colour traffic lights, and replace it with a much larger spectrum. 81.Good Morning It should be illegal to wake up prior to 9.00 A.M. Offenders will made to work on a treadmill for 25 hours, and then woken up after 30 mins heavy sleep with a large alarm clock. Thrown at them. The exception to this rule will be Doctors who, will have to work longer hours due to the extra number of reported head injuries 82.An Englishman's home is his Chateaux It is proposed that everyone in England should buy one hundred square meters (or be subsidized to do so) of France. The English would then own France, saving a lot of arguments, and winning us another UN veto... After owning France, It is proposed that we should rent it back to the French Then we should start on Germany. 83.Fellowship of the OMRLP It is proposed that being the Lord of the Ring should be illegal. Anyone who owns the Ring should hand it into the capable hands of the OMRLP. From now on, when ever someone disappears, they should be called "Smeagol" or "Gollum" instead of John or Jane Doe. 84.Harry's Potty As punishment, for their crimes against fiction, Daniel Radcliff, Emma Watson and Christopher Columbus (Harry Potter, Hermionie and the director of Harry Potter, respectively) should be made to stand in front of the ridiculous sign in Kings Cross. Platform 3 and 3/4s, 85.Logical New Industries The energizer should be invented. As should the Enterprise. As should the Vulcan. Don't understand why? Well it is highly illogical... 86.Working Time Regulations Dr. Who shall be made to work doctors hours, we shall not be biased towards Time Lords. 87.Computations Canon should be shot. Dell shall be pelted with dill. There should be 5 Pentiums. Why arn't Windows crystal clear? 88.A Place in History History should be renamed Geography. As in "Right that's it. You're geography!" 89.Waxing Works Madame Tussaud's should be renamed Ms Tussaud's. 90.Start Wars Jedi should be recognised as a Religion. Did you know that there are more Jedi's in England than Jews, Buddhists, Sikhs, or anything that isn't Hindu, Christian or Muslim. 91.Not liked It is suggested that we should be xenophobic. But, being English, it isn't practical. 92.Guard Dogs Guard Dogs shall no longer be permitted.(they're so vicious) It is proposed that they will be replaced with Guard Tortoises, called Shelly. 93.Olimpix Supermarket Trolley Formation Dancing to be made an Olimpick event. 94.Health & Wealth All persons born with "a silver spoon in their mouth" will have it surgically removed at birth on the N.H.S This will help to prevent mental illness in later years. i.e. Delusions of Self Importance. 95.Things going Bad We will set up an inquiry to find out if: (a). Things are really that Bad and (b). They are out to get you 96.Bon Voyage We will pass a law ordering British Airways flight attendants to CHEER UP! 97.Keep Fit P.E should be an optional school subject and not permited during winter. (Unless you permit it) 98.Spectator Sport Cricket will be made more interesting by elliminating the use of padding. (and possibly Cricket Bats) 1.Healthy Drinking Health Matters: show by example. To stop young people's excessive drinking and having a good time the politicians should convert all their 30 or 40 bars at Westminster into milk bars. Their restaurants should be converted into salad bars to show solidarity with school children, how to improve their health and fitness. 2.Shout it out The speaker in the house of commons will be replaced by the latest audio equipment 3.Balanced View All politicians should be made to stand continually on one leg while making speeches to check how balanced their arguments are. It should also reduce political flatulence and soothe the listeners ears 4.PeacePlan To help the Israel/palestine problems, we should get rid of the old fashioned road map, and give them a sat nav instead. 5.Purple Haze It is proposed the party adopts the Paint It Purple Policy(PIPP) In order to solve the problem of depressed areas,unemployment and youth disaffection, Every third building in the country should be painted purple. There'll be lots of jobs created either making purple paint, or doing the painting, these jobs can be done by young people, who'll be too busy washing purple paint off themselves to get into trouble. 6.Beat Them at their own game It is proposed that the government should set up a terrorist training camp and that all prospective suicide bombers should have to blow themselves up as there final licensing test, with points added for mass destruction of the test range, but deducted for survival. this would undoubtedly reduce acts of terror. 7.Ex pat proposal On a recent visit back to Blighty, I was concerned to hear of Labour's financial contrubutions scandal (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donorgate). Knowing the Monster Raving Loony Party would never accept "under the table" donations, I propose a strictly "on top of the table" alternative, to be delivered in manilla envelopes to all Labour Party offices... The DonorGate Commemorative Cookie - brown on the outside, flakey on the inside, and sprinkled with nuts. If you wanted to further feed general public interest, you would "knead" millions... The first batch could be of, say, 548,850, the next 320,000, and so forth. While unable to match Labour's foreign receipts, each of us ex-patriot Brits could then send you a big batch of cookie dough, roughly moulded into the shape of the countries in which we presently reside. This would provide your party with its fair share of offshore "dodgy dough nations".... 8.Politicians are Shocked Politicians to be fitted with electric shock collars, the type used to stop dogs barking, and shocked every time they lie. 9.And The Winners of Next weeks Lottery Are? Psychics should be made to prove themselves by winning both the National Lottery and the Euromillions, having correctly predicted the winning numbers. 10.Never mind the money Every year the Prime Minister should be tarred and feathered, this will make the job much less appealing and will hopefully lead to short term office for power-hungry PMs. 11.Monarchy A lot of people believe that we should no longer have a Monarchy as they serve no purpose. However the Monarchy through tourism bring alot of money to Britain. It is proposed that we hold a jousting competion, with the winner becoming Monarch for the year. Reprint the coins with a picture of a knight joustin on them. We would never have to reprint the coins from then on and at least people would feel the then current Monarch earned thier position. Keeping the Monarchy would allow us still to reap the benifits of tourism. 12.Football All football team's should wear the same coloured shirts , shorts and boots , wear big red noses and bright green wigs, as this will lead to a more exciting and interesting game. 13.Immigration i) The government's plans on restricting immigration does not go far enough. To fully protect our nation's values, we should ensure nobody can get into Britain at all. We shall burn all airports & harbours, establish anti-aircraft guns and sea mines across every inch of coast, and erect a vast forcefield around Great Britain. ii) Anyone who is abroad shall only be let back in after 40 days of quarantine, where they will be made to listen to the national anthem 24/7 to prevent any contamination by foreign thinking. 14.University Fees It is proposed to raise the cost of an university education to the point where nobody can afford to go, thus ending the scourge of drunk students. 15.Fishy Sounding All tins of tuna to be sold with a FREE peg or a gas mask for the higher quality tuna. 16.A drink in your Honour There should be two plaques in every pub, one to Alan "Howlin Laud" Hope and one to Screamin Lord Sutch, possibly the greatest man who ever lived (sent in by wijajo) 17.Livestock Buffet Why not rear cattle in restaurants? There will no need to distribute meat all over the country creating pollution and kids will have fun petting the fat cows and snorting pigs. 18.The OAP jetset. It is proposed to supply jetpacks for the elderly. This way they don't block the pavements and roads with those slow little machines that they have. This will reduce congestion so will be good for the environment. The elderly may have more fun in their life, more fun than bingo, and as there are no cars in the sky it will be much safer. Soon everyone will want jetpacks and the world will be a better place. 19.This one was sent in by Garry. Personally we think this policy is a sticky proposition. I think MRLP should table a motion for the preservation of Hot Treacle Pudding. That this great British delicacy should remain on our shop shelves and in our restaurants. Moreover the public should even be allowed to bath in it, if they so desire, but not in hot water but tepid deluxe thick creamy custard. I also insist that the European commune be converted to Hot Treacle pudding by August 2013. 20.Commas with dots Semicolons should be banned; No-one knows when to use one anyway. 21.Transport Politicians to Hospital Politicians will be made to use public transport, this will have many benefits, the saved money could be invested into hospitals, which could then be used to treat said politicians after having used said public transport. 22.Political Mascots During an election campaign, all political partes in the UK must spend at least 1% of their expenses on the maintenance and upkeep of a mascot and costume. This would serve to boost popularity in voting and encourage more public participation in politics. 1.Healthy Drinking Health Matters: show by example. To stop young people's excessive drinking and having a good time the politicians should convert all their 30 or 40 bars at Westminster into milk bars. Their restaurants should be converted into salad bars to show solidarity with school children, how to improve their health and fitness. 2.Shout it out The speaker in the house of commons will be replaced by the latest audio equipment 3.Balanced View All politicians should be made to stand continually on one leg while making speeches to check how balanced their arguments are. It should also reduce political flatulence and soothe the listeners ears 4.PeacePlan To help the Israel/palestine problems, we should get rid of the old fashioned road map, and give them a sat nav instead. 5.Purple Haze It is proposed the party adopts the Paint It Purple Policy(PIPP) In order to solve the problem of depressed areas,unemployment and youth disaffection, Every third building in the country should be painted purple. There'll be lots of jobs created either making purple paint, or doing the painting, these jobs can be done by young people, who'll be too busy washing purple paint off themselves to get into trouble. 6.Beat Them at their own game It is proposed that the government should set up a terrorist training camp and that all prospective suicide bombers should have to blow themselves up as there final licensing test, with points added for mass destruction of the test range, but deducted for survival. this would undoubtedly reduce acts of terror. 7.Ex pat proposal On a recent visit back to Blighty, I was concerned to hear of Labour's financial contrubutions scandal (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donorgate). Knowing the Monster Raving Loony Party would never accept "under the table" donations, I propose a strictly "on top of the table" alternative, to be delivered in manilla envelopes to all Labour Party offices... The DonorGate Commemorative Cookie - brown on the outside, flakey on the inside, and sprinkled with nuts. If you wanted to further feed general public interest, you would "knead" millions... The first batch could be of, say, 548,850, the next 320,000, and so forth. While unable to match Labour's foreign receipts, each of us ex-patriot Brits could then send you a big batch of cookie dough, roughly moulded into the shape of the countries in which we presently reside. This would provide your party with its fair share of offshore "dodgy dough nations".... 8.Politicians are Shocked Politicians to be fitted with electric shock collars, the type used to stop dogs barking, and shocked every time they lie. 9.And The Winners of Next weeks Lottery Are? Psychics should be made to prove themselves by winning both the National Lottery and the Euromillions, having correctly predicted the winning numbers. 10.Never mind the money Every year the Prime Minister should be tarred and feathered, this will make the job much less appealing and will hopefully lead to short term office for power-hungry PMs. 11.Monarchy A lot of people believe that we should no longer have a Monarchy as they serve no purpose. However the Monarchy through tourism bring alot of money to Britain. It is proposed that we hold a jousting competion, with the winner becoming Monarch for the year. Reprint the coins with a picture of a knight joustin on them. We would never have to reprint the coins from then on and at least people would feel the then current Monarch earned thier position. Keeping the Monarchy would allow us still to reap the benifits of tourism. 12.Football All football team's should wear the same coloured shirts , shorts and boots , wear big red noses and bright green wigs, as this will lead to a more exciting and interesting game. 13.Immigration i) The government's plans on restricting immigration does not go far enough. To fully protect our nation's values, we should ensure nobody can get into Britain at all. We shall burn all airports & harbours, establish anti-aircraft guns and sea mines across every inch of coast, and erect a vast forcefield around Great Britain. ii) Anyone who is abroad shall only be let back in after 40 days of quarantine, where they will be made to listen to the national anthem 24/7 to prevent any contamination by foreign thinking. 14.University Fees It is proposed to raise the cost of an university education to the point where nobody can afford to go, thus ending the scourge of drunk students. 15.Fishy Sounding All tins of tuna to be sold with a FREE peg or a gas mask for the higher quality tuna. 16.A drink in your Honour There should be two plaques in every pub, one to Alan "Howlin Laud" Hope and one to Screamin Lord Sutch, possibly the greatest man who ever lived (sent in by wijajo) 17.Livestock Buffet Why not rear cattle in restaurants? There will no need to distribute meat all over the country creating pollution and kids will have fun petting the fat cows and snorting pigs. 18.The OAP jetset. It is proposed to supply jetpacks for the elderly. This way they don't block the pavements and roads with those slow little machines that they have. This will reduce congestion so will be good for the environment. The elderly may have more fun in their life, more fun than bingo, and as there are no cars in the sky it will be much safer. Soon everyone will want jetpacks and the world will be a better place. 19.This one was sent in by Garry. Personally we think this policy is a sticky proposition. I think MRLP should table a motion for the preservation of Hot Treacle Pudding. That this great British delicacy should remain on our shop shelves and in our restaurants. Moreover the public should even be allowed to bath in it, if they so desire, but not in hot water but tepid deluxe thick creamy custard. I also insist that the European commune be converted to Hot Treacle pudding by August 2013. 20.Commas with dots Semicolons should be banned; No-one knows when to use one anyway. 21.Transport Politicians to Hospital Politicians will be made to use public transport, this will have many benefits, the saved money could be invested into hospitals, which could then be used to treat said politicians after having used said public transport. 22.Political Mascots During an election campaign, all political partes in the UK must spend at least 1% of their expenses on the maintenance and upkeep of a mascot and costume. This would serve to boost popularity in voting and encourage more public participation in politics. 1.Keep Britain Tidy People caught littering will be punished by being picked up by a large pair of forceps (The claw shaped grabbing devices used by park attendants) and dropped into the nearest landfill site. (Which will be relocated to their back yard) 2.K9 IQ The true intelligence of dogs will be fully recognised and appreciated. (when did you last see a dog step in a human poo?) 3.Honoured for Good Taste? It is proposed that Graham Norton to be Knighted and appointed as uniform designer for the police and armed forces. 4.English. Anyone using American spelling should be made to carry a very large copy of the Oxford English Dictionary around with them for a week. 5.Always a Winner The misuse of apostrophes will be punished by extra English lessons for the culprit. (For those who dont know, an apostrophes, is a trophy or certificate, that is sent by Post) 6.Sports Days Any school banning sports days for their being too competitive, will have to hold a teachers-only athletics competition. 7.Stocks The stocks will be re-introduced as a punishment for anti-social behaviour. 8.Security Issues: All sealed private letters to be banned - we propose that all letters must be written on postcards, and emails to be routed through police stations. (After all honest citizens have nothing to hide) 9.Environment It is proposed that all anglers be given free licenses from Sept - March. However the deal is that they don't throw the fish back. Water displacement will then lower the levels of the rivers..........ergo: No floods. 10.Edukayshun. Ban the teaching of foreign languages. Instead, invest in other countries learning of English. 11.Prison Overcrowding. To help prevent prisons becoming over crowded criminals may be required to be locked into their own homes. 12.Reforms for Firemen. To help ease the duties of firemen: The Loony party would paint little arrows on all trees so that cats could find their own way down. and all metal railings, would have a maximum gap of two inches (and no spikes) so that no one could get their heads stuck in them. 13.Preferenshall Treatment. A number of ancient privileges are associated with the Freedom of the City of London - They include the right to herd sheep over London bridge, to go about the City with a drawn sword, and if convicted of a capital offence, to be hung with a silken rope. Other advantages are said to have included the right to avoid being press-ganged, to be married in St Paul's Cathedral, buried in the City and to be drunk and disorderly without fear of arrest. It is proposed that these rights be extended by law to all OMRLP members. 14.Educaysion. It is proposed that we should all be made to speak Latin. That would have several beneficial effects (1) It would slow us all down (2)It would enable botanists to take over the government and regulate colour harmonies in windowboxes and the planting of daffodils (3)It would enable us to at last understand what the Scots are upset about. The Cambridge Latin Course book,numbers 1,2,3,4 and 5 should be banned. Anyone who is called, or has been called "Quintus", "Salvius" "Caecillius" or "Cogidubnus" should be shot. Even better, they should be sent to Rome, to beg forgiveness. 15.Eddukayshun. Sports lessons to include paintball 16.Learning and fings. Science lessons to be replaced by practical project to get a hamster on the moon 17.Eddukayshun. Drama and English lessons to be dedicated to watching the Simpsons 18.Eddukayshun. Pupils to be allowed to decorate the corridors 19.Pets. It will be illegal to name your Cat "Cat Mandu". There can be only one 20.Pets. All pets shall have the right to sensible names. 'Rover' and 'Cuddles' will be banned under the new law 21.Eddukayshun. All pupil records will be abolished, only results from tests will be recorded for future use. This insane policy will help cut the Teachers work load and give them back more free time to teach. 22.Health. Everyone will be encouraged to smile at least once a day. Passing the smile on will cheer up the person smiled at. A happy person is a healthy person 23.Sport. The hundred metres sprint is over too quickly, therefore it will be slowed down by introducing the carrying of their grandmothers. Football shall stay as it is. Anybody wishing to take part in the Hammer Throwing competition must have a doctors certificate proving their sanity 24.Trade and Industry. Industries will be made to clean themselves up, especially when advertising their products. If an advert claims 'you can't eat three' then this must be backed up by independent scientists, or a disclaimer must be shown stating the lie. The disclaimer must be double the size of the original advert. 25.Media. The Media must print only the truth and publish apologies on the front page. Page three girls will only be acceptable if a page three boy is also shown. Stories featuring the eating of CurlyWurlys must be given the space before any other story, unless it's an apology about an untrue or bad CurlyWurly story. 26.Agriculture. Green Vegetables shall be boiled in food colouring so that they are all bright red, because no-one likes greens 27.Regions. Every region shall hold a gala. The only criteria specified shall be that Councilors will be held in stocks, while the electorate throw custard pies, eggs, rotten tomatoes at them. This will allow them to regain their humility. More Regions will be created so that more Councilors can be humiliated 28.Law and Disorder Any dog owner caught allowing their dog to poo on the pavement must be given the chance to redeem themselves before going to court and paying a large fine by picking up two Tesco shopping bags worth of other dogs poo. 29.Environment More trees should be planted to combat the rise in less trees. Brown field sites should be renamed to stop dog owners thinking they stand for dog poo sites. 30.Politicians with Stars in their eyes In order to make politics more "user interactive" we suggest that the BBC launch a new “reality” show, called "Politicians!" along the same lines as "Popstars" in which Anne Robinson, “Nasty” Nigel, and Jeremy Paxman tour the country, auditioning thousands of young, fresh-faced political wannabes. We will replace all current MPs, with the winners of “Politicians!” (the exclamation mark gives it a “edgy” feel, to appeal to young, hip, viewers). In this way, our country will be governed by people who are not only enthusiastic, honest, and brave enough to face Anne, Nigel, and Jeremy, but can do a lovely “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” in four part harmony as well. 31.Bullseye In keeping with the Government trend of setting up league tables and stupid impossible targets, we have decided that we will follow their example. We will reduce crime & disorder by October..........2001 32.Parlymentree reform To encourage more people to vote we propose making the Parliamentary candidate selection process more fun. They would have to take part in a nationwide custard pie throwing competition. They would get a different coloured custard pie relating to their political beliefs, i.e., blue for Tory, blue for...err...Labour (!), yellow for lib Dems, invisible for independents, red for socialists. "last man standing wins" 33.Knickers policies: Underpants to be fitted with catalytic converters to reduce the amount of harmful emissions into the atmosphere. 34.Music?????? Boy bands should be outlawed as a great drain on the nations morale. 35.Future Road Safety. We shall set up an inquiry into 1. What could be worse? and, 2.How many people do actually get run over by buses ....This will be done sometime in the future, possibly tomorrow. 36.Road Safety Why are the 'airbags' in cars described as safety devices? It is proposed that Car manufacturers replace Airbags with a Big Metal Spike pointing at the driver - That would make him drive much more safely. 37.Government White Papers It is proposed that we introduce different coloured papers to brighten fings up. Pink and red and Yellow, would be nice and we could introduce polka dots and rainbow striped paper. (This would be especially cheerful on Tax Assessment forms and V.A.T. Returns) 38.Consumer Affairs Manufacturers will be made to compensate for the "Old and Inferior" goods that they have now replaced with "New and Improved" 39.Defence We will spend less on de-fence and more on de-gate and de-garden in general so we can all enjoy more of de-grub, 40.Economy Poetry will replace property as collateral. 41.Economy Banks will be charged for looking after overdrafts. 42.Economy Electricity bills will be cut in halved. Everyone will get a free pair of scissors. 43.Health We will combat stress by abolishing Mondays ands having two Saturdays. Further reducing stress we will introduce the third class stamp. By the time your letter arrives the problem will have disappeared. 44.Health Hospital waiting lists will be halved overnight. Patients with surnames beginning with letters A-M will be treated one week N - Z the next, hence the longest wait for treatment will be one week. 45.Environment. People who drink gin and tonics will not be allowed ice. This will help to preserve the polar ice cap. 46.Environment To make electric cheaper to produce all joggers will be placed in a huge revolving drum linked by a dynamo to the national grid. 47.Transport One pedestrian is knocked down every 15 minutes in the United Kingdom and he's getting fed up with it. We intend to triple the width of all pavements to make our roads safer. 48.Environment We will channel all the hot air coming from Parliament into a purpose built Wind farm just off the Coast, so that everyone will have free heating in the winter, and electric fans in the summer. 49.Yourup A Downing Street spokesman has confirmed that in order to meet the conditions for joining the Euro the phrase 'spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st of December 2001. The Loony Party propose that from this date the correct terminology will be 'euronating' 50.Going in Circles We will abolish roundabouts, and replace them with friendly Traffic policemen. (assuming there is such a thing) 51.Vote For a Public Holiday Our thanks go to Mick Jones of Loughborough who pointed out that Elections are always held on Thursday, which happens to be one of the days of the week when most of us go to work. As we British work the longest hours in Europe, it leaves little time for much else. Perhaps that why we have a low turnout. It is proposed that: we should try Sunday Elections, then we could pop in and sort out the democratic process on the way to Asda or B & Q? 52.Political reform. Due to the massive increases which M.P's seem to vote for themselves it is proposed that: A. All M.P,s should have to sign on at the local Employment Office and provide evidence that they have been doing some work. B. All M.P's should be paid by the Social Security Office via a giro in the Post. Then we shall see how they like being short changed and paid three weeks late. Political reform cont.... It is proposed that it would be illegal to call yourself a Party if it can be proved that you don't. (Having said that could someone check the Trades Description Act). 53.Political reform continued It is proposed to: Reduce the deposits fees required to become a candidate, to 1 Yahoo Everyone should be allowed to make a fool of themselves, without having to be rich or belong to a Political Machine. 54.Educaytion, Eadukshun, Edukayshun, It is proposed that the Government re-instate Student Grants, as their parents have invariably already paid for them via taxes. Bearing in mind that the Students will also be contributing via their taxes in future years. (Probably many times over). 55.Transport Jumping Red Traffic Lights is illegal. It is proposed that: In future all offenders will be made to drive through them like everybody else. 56.1/2 Parking Fees It is proposed that parking fees in Public Car Parks are made transferable to others. Why should we not be allowed to give the time remaining to someone else. At the moment Companies and Authority Car Parks are getting paid twice for the same space. (Suggested on 23/3/00 by a member of The Nottingham High School) It is also proposed that all 3 wheeled Reliant Robins, Bubble Cars and Mini’s get free or reduced fee parking in Public Car Parks At the moment they pay the same as a Rolls Royce or Cadillac. 57.Penshuners. There has been some worry lately about the rising level of "Grey" Crime The pic below taken on CCTV proves the point To help reduce the need for pensioners to resort to crime: It is proposed that all pensioners (those on benefit) should be provided a free telephone (connected) so they would be able to telephone their friends and relatives without the worry about cost. It would also be useful for emergencies TV Licenses: should be free for all pensioners over 65 yrs old not 75. We know that this will be a really silly idea, but how's about giving pensioners a decent pension that they can live on without having to scrimp and scrape. 58.Internet It is proposed that everyone should have free connection to the Internet. This would enable everyone to gain information easily, it would allow British business to be able to compete in the global marketplace, and more importantly they would be able to default their browser to the OMRLP homepage. In education it would allow children to continue their learning at home. and then their parents would know where their kids were at night, thus reducing crime, and litter. 59.Water. Did you know that at present Water Companies charge Businesses for the rainwater that falls on their premises and then goes down the drain. It is proposed that this practice is stopped, and that metered businesses be given a rebate for saving the Water companies from having to build more reservoirs. This would also apply to residential properties who can no longer get Flood Insurance. Also why do we have to pay (or get taken to court) months in advance for Water Rates. Our employers don't pay us in advance neither do we stock up on water for a rainy day. 60.Mortgages It is proposed that all Mortgages have fixed permanent rates of interest for the length of the loan period. When the Government or Bank of England decides arbitrarily to increase the rates Mortgage companies also increase their rates next day, which normally means people end up paying more even though they haven't borrowed anymore. The powers that be tell us its to slow down spending, and then tell us that our Industry is having a hard time as no one is spending. 61.Industry It is proposed that any equipment or start-up loans for Industry is also at a fixed rate for the period of the loan, so they can plan forward with confidence, and we stand a better chance of keeping our jobs. 62.Monopoly's In keeping with Lord Sutch's query some years ago." Why is there only one Monopoly's commission?" It is proposed that we set up TWO independent enquiries to sort out this problem twice and for all. Also we would make sure that everybody has at least one Monopoly Game ....but only one. 63.Electoral Reform again. The age at which people can stand for election should be reduced to 18 yrs At this age you can Vote, Drink, and do almost anything else, except stand for election. 64.Political Correctness (Suggested by Alan (Howlin Laud) Hope) The Isle of Man be renamed The Isle of Person Nuff said!!! 65.More Political stuff Political Contributions from Unions. Most Unions make a political contribution to the Various Political Parties paid for from the subscriptions of their members. Although you can opt out, which is a load of hassle, most people don't bother or don't know. Union members should be able to donate (or withdraw) their share to any political party they wish when they join. Even the OMRLP. It is Loony that as a candidates for the OMRLP,if you belong to a Union, we are contributing to the opposition. 66.National Non-Insurance It is proposed that National Insurance is disbanded, as we already pay for the National Health, Pensions, and other benefits from our high indirect Taxes. Added to this the fact that no one ever gets a no claims discount. 67.Privatisation. When nationalised or Government owned industries are Privatised, the shares are sold to those who can then afford to buy them. This system is wrong as we have all contributed via our taxes to the business in question, so some of us are in effect paying twice, whilst others get nothing. It is proposed that any business being privatised in which the Government has an interest should have its shares divided equally to every person on the electoral register FREE. 68.Fancy Dress Hire Shops It is proposed that and that Fancy Dress Shops should get a Government Subsidy, and be 0% rated for V.A.T 69.EFnic Minorities It is proposed that all members of the OMRLP be designated an efnic Minority. On the basis that 99.999999% of the population will then have to do what we say.......or else we sue. 70.Fuel Shortages We think we have found an answer to the problems of the high cost of Fuel. Buy Less, and Walk more. ALTERNATIVE POLICY: Get rid of the Labour Government. 71.Loony Party Financial advice Buy Low, Sell High. 72.Opinion Polls. It is proposed that the OMRLP should not take into account the opinion of Polls when considering our policies. Although the Polish are our allies and good friends of this country, We feel that Polls should keep their opinions to themselves an not get involved in the politics of other countries. 73.Cyclists The Councils and Government spend hundreds of thousands of pounds building Cycle routes and lanes to keep cyclists safe and away from vehicles. Cyclists then ride on the road causing danger to themselves and other road users It is proposed that all cyclists must (by law) drive in the cyclists lane if provided. They wouldn't like it if we drove on their bit. 74.Cuisine Jamie Oliver, Delia Smith and Ainslie Harriet should be boiled in a cauldron of scalding hot water before any public appearance (suggested by Mr A. Lobster) 75.Payment Protection Insurance. Millions of people pay millions of pounds for payment protection in the event of illness or unemployment. But the Insurance companies rarely pay out due to the stringent conditions in the small print which they don't tell you about when you initially get covered. so: We propose that the government introduce a Payment Protection Insurance for Payment Protection Insurance that doesn't protect your payments. 76.Health at your Convenience. We propose a law banning those hot hand dryers in toilets that switch of before your hands are dry, its so annoying. (suggested by Lady Penelope P.P.C Crawley) 77.Antisoshall behaveyer. Labour's policy of giving rewards to Bad people who may be Good is stupid. There's no deterrent. We propose that any BAD person be given and forced to listen to the entire Back catalogue of DES O'CONNER's greatest hits. This would demonstrate what anti-social behavior really is. 78.Business. We all know that businesses are complaining about the ever increasing amount of Red tape that they have to deal with every week. We have the answer: We will ban all red tape on Sundays. This means that business will only have Red tape for six days per week. We also propose that all Red tape will be changed to yellow and black (Loony Party Colours), and that any excess Yellow and Black tape be collected and made into snazzy party rosettes. 79.Elektrickery. It should be mandatory that, in the event of a power cut, when the power goes off, it should be switched back on 30 seconds later for 2 minutes so you can locate the candles and flashlights. (suggested by Galaxy Woman) 80.Motorway Blockages To avoid bank holiday congestion - make nasal sprays freely available in those little phone boxes on the motorways (suggested by Clipper Ride) 81.Asylum in English It has been proposed that all Asylum seekers and refugees will be taught to speak English. This will be of great benefit (it has been said) when these people are relocated in Glasgow (or Birmingham).. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
colin Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 On the run up to election MRL where discused and it was pointed out some of the policies they had first proposed that are now law. Can't remember much except they where first party to propose all day licencing and there was a tax (not sure which) that is now made.
AliB Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 peter - 2010-05-07 10:39 PM Official Monster Raving Loony party MANIFESTO proposals 36.Road Safety Why are the 'airbags' in cars described as safety devices? It is proposed that Car manufacturers replace Airbags with a Big Metal Spike pointing at the driver - That would make him drive much more safely. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I like that one, and probably very true!
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