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Guest JudgeMental

I went to a fancy dress party the other week, wearing only a pair of Jeans.

 

A woman at the party said to me, "this is a fancy dress party, what are you supposed to be?"

 

"A premature ejaculation" I said.

 

"What do you mean" replied the woman.

 

"I've come in my pants" I said.

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I really don't understand all this. I looked in my dictionary (Collins New Standard circa 1960 and small!!!!) and it said that to ejaculate is to utter suddenly. So if it is premature it means it has happened before you utter suddenly. I really am confused because I can not see how you can do something before you do it*-) Am I missing something here?
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Just found out what caused his premature ejaculation problems

 

His wife came home and caught him in bed with a femail midget, she screamed "I thought you promised that you wouldn't cheat on me any more"

He replied "For goodness sake woman carn't you see that Im trying to cut down" but that didn't save him

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Another mate met a girl in a night club and after a few dances he asked her if she would like to come back to his place for some fun

She said that she would just love to but she couldnt as she was on her monthly cycle.

 

He said that that was ok as he would follow her home on his moped

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I was in Asda the other day stocking up in readiness for my trip out to Spain, believe me when I say that my trolly was well overloaded by the time I got to the tills.

A little old lady came up just behind me in the queue with just a small bottle of milk so I did the right thing, I aked if the milk was the only thing she was buying and she said it was so I said "Well you had better naff off to another till cos Im gonna be ages

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Two Irishmen were hunting in the woods when Paddy said he really wanted a poo poo but I haven't got any paper.

 

Mick said "Have you not got a fiver on you" Paddy said "Yes I have" so Mick said "Well use that then"

 

10 minutes later Paddy came back with poo poo all over his hands and clothes, Mick says "what the hell happened to you "

Paddy said "Have you ever tried to wipe you bum with 3 £1 coins, 5 - 20p coins and 2 - 50p coins

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An old man walks into a jewellers with this great blonde on his arm

"I want a special ring for the lady please"

The jeweller says "Here's one for £5000"

"No no said the old man I want a really special ring for the lady"

The jeweller says "Here's one for £65,000"

"That's the one" said the old man, I will give you a cheque and when it has cleared on Monday I will call to collect the ring"

 

On Monday morning the jeweller rings the old man and says "There was no money in that account"

The old man syas "I know but you should have seen the weekend that I have just had"

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Man asks the librarian if the book he had ordered on premature ejaculation had arrived,

Too embarrassed to say the title he gives the lady the ISBN reference.

She looks up the number and says, “Sorry, it isn’t in yet”

“Yes, that’s the one” the man replies.

 

 

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Guest JudgeMental
pkc - 2010-08-26 8:58 AM

 

Man asks the librarian if the book he had ordered on premature ejaculation had arrived,

Too embarrassed to say the title he gives the lady the ISBN reference.

She looks up the number and says, “Sorry, it isn’t in yet”

“Yes, that’s the one” the man replies.

 

man_on_top_of_hill_waving_white_flag_in_surrender_CoolClips_wb028041.jpg.52a7911aef5b65468bd9e1e7309b3fb3.jpg

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The police came to my front door last night with a photo of my wife.

Thery said "is this your wife sir"

Shocked I said that it was

"I'm afraid it looks as though she has been in a motor accident sir"

"Yes I know that but she has a lovely personality"

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Leroy goes to church and the Vicar asks him how he can help. "Can you pray for my hearing please?" asks Leroy.

The Vicar puts one hand on Leroys ear, the other on top of his head and prays. He then asks Leroy how his hearing is, "I don't know yet, it's not until next Thursday." 

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ROLLING THE DICE

 

 

 

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

 

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

 

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

 

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

 

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

 

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

 

 

 

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The Latest Darwin Awards

 

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

 

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2010 Darwin Awards.

 

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through

an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

 

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot

high cliff on his daily run.

 

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in

a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.

People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers

using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

 

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.. (what sort of english is that) ?

Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of

his skull as he hit the floor.

 

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with

four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

 

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms

intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

 

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired.

The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47

expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics

identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. But worryingly 24 shots missed the target !

 

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. So they lit a quarter

stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice

that the window was closed.

 

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who

had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited,

and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint

of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,

volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's

leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his

foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby

fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

 

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative

and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when

the relieved beast unloaded.

 

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck

his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just

one of those freak accidents that proves... 's**t happens'

 

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

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"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the

vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

 

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many

obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

 

"He has never been known to use a word that might send

a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about

Ernest Hemingway).

 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll

waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

 

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter

saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

 

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his

friends." - Oscar Wilde

 

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my

new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George

Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend

second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in

response.

 

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like

having you here." - Stephen Bishop

 

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -

John Bright

 

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope

it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

 

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of

dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

 

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating

 

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always

yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -

Forrest Tucker

 

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without

any address on it?" - Mark Twain

 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the

stork." - Mae West

 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,

whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

 

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts

for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

(1844-1912)

 

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this

wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

 

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation

won't cure.' - Jack E. Leonard

 

'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'

- Robert Redford

 

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from

the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed

 

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder

 

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea

of any man I know.' - Abraham Lincoln

 

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come

from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William

Faulkner)

 

'A modest little person with much to be modest about.'

- Winston Churchill

 

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you

poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

 

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

 

One more exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor, as Churchill entered the hall of Parliament after a round of heavy drinking;

Lady Astor, “Winston, you are so drunk!”

Churchill, “Lady Astor, you are so ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober.”

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