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Some more Jokes.


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Shall we kick off with this one!

 

 

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!!!!!

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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

 

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

 

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

 

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

 

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

 

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

 

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

 

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

 

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

 

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

 

 

 

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else’s bicycle!

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Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

 

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 

How about achieving 103%?

 

What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

 

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

is represented as:

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26..

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

 

and

 

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But ,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bulls**t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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HM The Queen & Dolly Parton Go To Heaven!

 

 

Queen Elizabeth & Dolly Parton died on the same day, & they both go before an Angel to find out if they will be admitted into Heaven.

 

 

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

 

 

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

 

 

Dolly takes off her top & says, 'Look at these, they are the most perfect breasts God ever created, & I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

 

 

The Angel thanks Dolly, & asks Her Majesty the same question.

 

 

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier water out of her purse & drinks it down, then wees into a toilet & pulls the lever.

 

 

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

 

 

Dolly is outraged & asks,

 

'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations & you turn me down but her majesty simply wees into a toilet & she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

 

 

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,

 

'even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom

door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter

with a vibrator.

 

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you

doing?'

 

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years

old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as

I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and

leave me alone.'

 

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz

coming from the other side of the closed bedroom

door. Upon entering the room, he observed his

daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

 

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter

said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this

thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a

husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

 

A couple days later, the wife came home from a

shopping trip ,

placed the groceries on the kitchen

counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,

of all places, the living room. She entered that

area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,

downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

 

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing

like crazy.

 

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

 

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my

son-in-law.'

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

 

 

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your ginger nuts from going soft..

 

 

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A blonde goes to the local coffe shop, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

 

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

 

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

 

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

 

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

 

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

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A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire..

 

Chris: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - £500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

 

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million pounds if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to £32,000 -- are you ready?"

 

Barbara: "Yes Chris, I'll have a go !"

 

Chris: Ok Barbara: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?..

 

 

Is it ? ........

 

A-Robin

 

B-Sparrow

 

C-Cuckoo

 

D-Thrush

 

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million Pounds so there is no pressure."

 

"I think I know, but I am not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Chris please .

 

Chris: "Yes, now who do you want to phone, Barbara?

 

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie please Chris."

 

(ringing)

 

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

 

Chris: "Hello Maggie, this is Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire - I have Barbara here and she is doing really really well on £500,000, but needs your help to get to the Million.

 

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer ok Maggie:..

 

Maggie : Yes Chris.

 

Chris: Ok Barbara fire away .

 

Barbara: " Hello Maggie, Hello Barbra!: Ok here is the question, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it ?:

 

A-Robin

 

B-Sparrow

 

C-Cuckoo

 

D-Thrush"

 

Maggie: "My God, Barbara, that's simple..... It's a Cuckoo."

 

Barbara: "Do you think so?"

 

Maggie: " I know so."

 

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

 

Chris: "Well, do you want to stick on £500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

 

Barbara: "I want to play, & go with C-Cuckoo"

 

Chris: are you sure?

 

Barbra: Yes Chris i am sure..

 

Chris: "Is that your final answer?"

 

Barbara: "Yes it is Chris."

 

" tick tock tick tock "

 

Chris: "Are you confident?"

 

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's is a sound bet & knows about these sort of things."

 

Drum Roll...

 

Chris: "Barbara.....You had £500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ... More drum rolls, Well I am afraid you have given me the correct answer, You're right! - and you have just won ONE MILLION POUNDS.

 

Here is your cheque. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara who has just won ONE MILLION POUNDS. ."

 

(clapping music the end)

 

Later that night Barbara calls round to Maggie's and brings her down to a local pub for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

 

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

 

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

 

"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

 

The man perks up at this.

 

"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

 

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

 

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

 

"I have," says the man.

 

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"We're getting granite countertops."

 

 

 

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A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. "I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane. "I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane." "You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

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Extract from Tony Blair's new book!

 

 

‘I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street. On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

 

With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

 

"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.

 

"No way, 50p!" I fired back.

 

This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.

 

I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"

 

And I'd yell back "50p!"

 

One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.

 

As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings.

 

I realised I’d need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.

 

As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.

 

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

 

I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.

 

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

 

 

"See what you get for 50p?"

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Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of

The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

 

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

 

"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are

authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State

Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

 

 

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

 

"Excellent trade, sir."

 

 

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Economic Models explained with cows

 

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

 

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

 

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

 

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

 

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

 

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

 

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

 

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

 

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

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Subject: A Lexophile Email

 

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone; it is two tired.

 

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

 

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a rotting peach.

 

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

 

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

 

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A- flat miner.

 

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

 

15. A calendar's days are numbered.

 

16. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

17. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

18. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

 

19. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

20. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

 

21. If you jump off a Paris bridge you're in Seine .

 

22. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

 

23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

24. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

25. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

26. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

 

27. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

28. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 

29. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

30. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

31. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

32. Two silk worms had a race.They ended up in a tie.

 

33. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

34. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

35. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

 

36. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

37. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

38. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

39. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

40. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

 

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck

up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,

" So why are you here ? "

 

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the

sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I

p*ssed in the middle of my owner's bed."

 

The black Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

 

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."

 

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "

 

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my

owners' couch."

 

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.

 

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

 

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

 

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a

pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I

see."

 

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."

 

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

 

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

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Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

*****************

 

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

****************

 

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

 

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon ...'

****************

 

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

 

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

***************

 

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

 

Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

***************

 

An elderly couple is attending Mass.

 

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

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