Pc Plod Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night. He found one such lady in a local pub. I'm Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend some time with you! Her reply, Mr prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your d---k as hard as the times we are living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol, and sc--w me the way you have the pensioners, then it won't cost you a PENNY. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Fearing that president Murkat would not step down from power, 15000 Egyptians went through Jordan last night. Apparently she's a bit sore, but says she should be ok by the weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pc Plod Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Carefull Donna, Your photo will have us ex coppers reaching for our truncheons! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Did you mean Murkat or was it President Meerkat Donna? Simples! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I deliberately altered the name to avoid repercussions from militant pro government supporters. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Syd Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Here is Donna in action, never wheelclamp a woman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Syd Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 And here she is again at work http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EF6oCnSmpHc How many of you can match her :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Syd, you sure know how to flatter a lady. :D I drove a turntable drawbar once, what a b1tch, believe me, I couldn't do that. Mind you, I did get the trailer facing the wrong way but not on purpose. They say that artic drivers will always struggle with a turntable unit. The trouble is, you have a pivot on the bar and also on the front wheels. Hats off to that driver, what skill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flicka Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine . 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger..' 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbarian Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Some of my favourites, but not all PC. An Irish electrician was called in to repair an electric chair in a US prison. He refused to work on it because in his opinion it was a f^$)!&% death trap! --------- David Blunkett did a charity parchute jump. How did he know when he was almost on the ground? The dog lead went slack! --------- Went to a library for a book on camouflage, but couldn't find one! --------- My wife has been really good recently so I let her have the TV remote. If she carries on being good I may put the batteries back in. --------- barbarian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flicka Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Again some not PC A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!! I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over. A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.' My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. (think about it !!) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some scales. Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead. Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia." I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting. I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it! The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’. On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?' The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
602 Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 Hi, A certain Prime Minister and his Chancellor decide to wander about a bit, see what the population thought of them. So they donned some tree-hugging type clothes, borrowed a black lab, and set forth. Eventually they came across a country pub, and wandered into the lounge bar, ordered a couple of drinks. A farmer type bloke came into the lounge, nodded a greeting, lifted the black lab's tail, had a good look, shrugged his shoulders, and went back to the public bar. A few minutes later, another farmer did the same thing. And again it happened a few miutes after that ......... Eventually the PM asked the pub landlord the reason for this strange behaviour. "Oh, somebody told them there was a dog with two asses in this bar". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pc Plod Posted February 14, 2011 Author Share Posted February 14, 2011 Thanks Flika, You have brightened up my evening,-wife watching video of Larkrise to candleford. Must be the most boring series ever made,wife loves it but hates match of the day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Not sure how true this is, but it makes fun reading! Apparently, this is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the conten t of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply! Dear Mr Addison, I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodd ing charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system." A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable. I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.. Yours sincerely, H J Lee Customer Relations Inland Revenue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 ... and another .... :D Subject: : Magic sandals A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 ... and finally .... The Defective Parrot A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.' 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Syd Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 For those of you who still have jobs and like to read a book during your lunch hour, here is a list of books that you can really devour in the time allotted. The facts in these books have been verified by Snopes: World's Shortest Books THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE By Barack Obama______________________________________ MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDSBy Tiger Woods ____________________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan Illustrated by Michael Moore Forward by George Soros________________________________________ MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton ______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton _________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton _________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD By Bill Gates ____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY By Dennis Rodman _________________________________ THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE By Al Gore & John Kerry _____________________________________ GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC By Amelia Earhart ____________________________________ HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST By Dr. Jack Kevorkian __________________________________ TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell __________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE By Mike Tyson __________________________________ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY _______________________________________ MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS By O. J. Simpson _________________________________________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY By Ted Kennedy _________ MY BOOK OF MORALS By Bill Clinton With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson ******************************************************* AND, JUST ADDED: My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy By Nancy Pelosi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Syd Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 have some fun on here http://www.forwardon.com/view.php?e=Id121326acc9174cb2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'Dis is for dem loverly flowers' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a car so he radios for backup. "What's the situation?" asks the operator. "A big, fat, black male is dancing on a car roof." "You can't say that over the radio," replies the operator. "You have to use the politically correct terminology." "Okay," says the cop: "Zulu, Foxtrot, Sierra." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brambles Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 LOL tracker, pinched the PC joke for another Forum I am a regular on (not a motorhome forum) and everyone said it was good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Cheers Jon - I think it's time to lighten up again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul- Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ... Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "now you can see that keeping your mouth shut helps?"** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway west of Geelong. As time went by the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the local police station and to complain, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day the policeman had the road workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster!" So, again, the policeman sends out the workers and they put up a new sign SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he said to the policeman "Your signs are doing no Good.. Can I put up my own sign?" The policeman said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him off his back. The cop got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the better of the cop and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, ”and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy.." He hung up the phone. The policeman was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign … it might be something that we could use to slow down drivers..." So he drove out to John's farm house, His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted in red on a sheet of plywood.... NUDIST COLONY Slowdown and watch out for chicks in the road! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Who is your baby's father? The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's details'. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley but I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night. 2 I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number. Thanks... 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me. 8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also born at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.. 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom . 10. So much about that night is a blur The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one bean made you fart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.