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Todays joke


donna miller

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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of an American university. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

 

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

 

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

 

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next... He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!

 

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him.

 

He was in really bad shape.

 

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it ...circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

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Exercise program

 

 

It's a good exercise program - even if you are not 50 yet.

 

Pass to all 50 yrs. and older

Disclaimer: By receiving this message I am not saying you are fifty or older, but my friends, family or both

Cardiovascular Health-Simple Exercise

 

 

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate

exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain

cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

 

If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions

as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous

for some.

 

Remember, always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

 

 

 

 

 

Scroll Down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of Wine.

 

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Everyday, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

 

 

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

 

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks:

 

"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

 

The woman replies, "It's Keith, ....... The dwarf"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Six Affairs

 

 

The 1st Affair

 

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

 

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

 

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

 

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

 

He put on his shoes and drove home.

 

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

 

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

 

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

 

She looked down at his shoes and said:

 

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

 

 

 

The 2nd Affair

 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

 

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

 

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

 

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

 

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

 

 

 

 

The 3rd Affair

 

A mortician was working late one night.

 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

 

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

 

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

 

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

 

 

 

 

The 4th Affair

 

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

 

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

 

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

 

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

 

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

 

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

 

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

 

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

 

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

 

 

 

 

The 5th Affair

 

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

 

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

 

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

 

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

 

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

 

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

 

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

 

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

 

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

 

 

 

 

The 6th Affair

 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

 

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

 

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

 

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

 

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison do it's work.'

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*Two Woodpeckers*

 

So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.

 

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

 

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican

 

woodpecker was amazed.

 

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable'

 

(a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

 

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked

the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...

 

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree,

 

and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

 

 

 

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

 

Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right when they said

 

your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

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