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Not for the easilly offended


Syd

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So you think you're having a bad day.......

Then you step outside of your house..........

And look up into the beautiful blue sky........

And see this!!!!!

All of a sudden, that smile comes back and you think

 

What else is possible !

 

Now that's a 'big ass balloon!!!!!

 

 

 

Balloon.thumb.jpg.60c17919e628c1feb0fe1311060d2372.jpg

Balloon.thumb.jpg.fb9bb5c07259adaa2454a17bf3925f39.jpg

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donna miller - 2012-01-19 8:24 AM

 

Stella is his wife. :D

That's a good one Donna. No wonder he's always having a good slurp of stella then. :D
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An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

 

He wanders around and eventually stops at a pub to try a pint or two of English beer..

 

He continues sight-seeing and after a while, finds himself in a very high class area. Large stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

 

He desperately needs to go, after all those pints of beer. He sees a narrow side street with high walls surrounding an adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

 

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "You can't do that here sir!"

 

"I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

 

"Ah," said the bobby, "just follow me." He leads him into the back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

 

"In there," points the bobby, "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

 

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

 

Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English Hospitality?"

 

"No sir", replied the bobby, "It's what we call the French Embassy."

 

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Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, traveling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.

 

 

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.

 

Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

 

The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she slapped his cheek.

 

Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me... the English bastard.

 

And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that little French s**t again

 

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Wife - '' Can I drive ? ''

Husband - '' No. I'm fine. ''

Wife - '' Oh please let me. I really want to ! ''

Husband - '' No. ''

Wife - '' I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blow job.''

Husband - '' Really ? ''

Wife - '' Promise.''

Husband - '' Oh go on then. ''

 

 

--- '' And that your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concorda. ''

 

;-)

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Anthony Worrall Thompson stole some cheddar ! how dairy?

 

I went to see Ready Steady Cook the other day, couldn't see a thing. Tompson stole the show.

 

A Thompson diet, cheese, wine.....followed by porridge.

 

"Morning Sergeant" "Morning Constable, what have we got today?" "We have Anthony Worrall Thompson for stealing cheese Sergeant" "Right Constable, lets grill him"

 

Thompson stole some cheese and wine, that wasn't the end tho' that was only for starters.

 

Thompson stole some cheese and wine from Tesco, he should have done it more Caerphilly.

 

Thompson was caught stealing, milk, yeast and flour, he'd run out of dough.

 

There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you are using the Anthony Worrall Thompson recipe book.

 

Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams are thinking of starting a new super group. They want Wozza to join them. They will call the group, 'Take This and That'

 

 

 

 

 

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Barman said to Paddy, "your glass is empty do you want another one?"

Paddy said, "Why the f**k would I want another empty glass?"

.........................................................................................................

 

By the time I'd finished I was totally out of breath.

I was dripping with sweat and my skin was sticky to touch.

Standing up, I caught a glimpse in the mirror of my bright red face.

I was satisfied, and I could tell by the look on her face that she was impressed with my performance

As I lit up a cigarette I said to her, "That, my luv....."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Is how a real man finishes a Vindaloo".

....................................................................................................

 

One Sunday morning, the priest notice little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small flags mounted either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside him, and said "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning father," said Alex, still focusing on the plaque. "Please father, what is this?" The priest said, "Well son, this is a memorial to all the young men and women who died in service,"

They both stood there looking at the plaque for a few moments, finally, young Alex looked up at the priest with tears in his eyes, hardly audible and trembling with fear, and asked.

 

 

 

 

 

"Which service, the 8.00am or the 10.30am?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A FLY, A FISH, A BEAR, A HUNTER, A MOUSE AND A CAT

 

 

This is a story about

 

A Fly, a Fish, a Bear

 

A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

 

There is a moral to this story.....

 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

 

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

 

'Gosh...if I go down three inches

 

I will feel the mist

 

From the water and I will be refreshed.'

 

There was a fish in the water thinking ,

 

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

 

There was a bear on the shore thinking ,

 

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

 

That fish will jump for the fly..

 

And I will grab the fish!!'

 

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

 

Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.....

 

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...

 

And that fish leaps for it...

 

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

 

I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

 

Now, you probably think this is

 

Enough activity on one river bank,

 

But I can tell you there's more. ...

 

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking ,

 

' Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...

 

And that fish jumps for that fly..

 

And that bear grabs for that fish...

 

The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

 

And drop his cheese sandwich .'

 

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

 

(as was fashionable to do on the banks of

 

this particular river around lunch time)

 

' Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..

 

And that fish jumps for that fly

 

And that bear grabs for that fish

 

And that hunter shoots that bear..

 

And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ..

 

Then I can have mouse for lunch .'

 

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

 

Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

 

The fish swallows the fly ..

 

The bear grabs the fish ..

 

The hunter shoots the bear..

 

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich ...

 

The cat jumps for the mouse..

 

The mouse ducks...

 

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

 

 

 

 

NOW, The Moral Of The Story ...

 

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

 

 

 

 

 

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger .

 

didn't see that one coming, did you?

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An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a new-born baby.'

'Really!? Like a new-born baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful..'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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Couple on holiday in Ireland stop and ask Paddy the quickest way to Dublin. Paddy asks if they are taking the car ? They say yes '' sure '' he says - '' thats the quickest way ! ''

 

Paddy goes to casualty and says '' I've been stung by a wasp . ''

The nurse replies '' Where abouts ? ''

Paddy replies '' Near Tesco's but its probably miles away by now ! ''

 

:D Sorry to anyone from Ireland - but these are at least 'clean ones'

 

Mr B.

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A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto

'We love to fly and it shows'.The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?'

 

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, "Ryanair".

Just to continue the theme:-).

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A holiday maker was lost in Ireland and in the absence of any signposts he stopped at a crossroads to ask a local to way to Kilarney.

 

The local just said - well sir, you see, to be sure , if I was going to Kilarney I wouldn't be starting from here.

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It's a fine line between funny and offensive and what is one man's - or woman's - funny is another's offensive.

 

Personally it makes no difference to me - if I find it funny I laugh and if I find it offensive I shrug and move on - it's no big deal in the grand scheme of things is it and I rarely find the need to comment?

 

That does not make me insensitive and there is nothing wrong with those who are offended saying so, but I like to think that I am broad minded and tolerant enough not to get upset by the posting of a dodgy joke which was seen by the poster purely as a joke and intended by him/her as joke and not to cause offence - usually?

 

I have seen plenty of insulting type jokes recently that I personally do not find funny but unfortunately they do seem to be a way of life in this country at present - particularly with so called 'modern' comedians?

 

Perhaps as a nation we have lost the education and integrity for the good old fashioned clean joke writing ability of the 'old days' when we was young in favour of the easier openly insulting and blatantly sexual mode?

 

What does the team think?

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