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On a lighter note..........


donna miller

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They Walk Among Us - BE VERY WARY

 

This is a collection of letters sent to a South of England Newspaper who had asked for examples of stupidity

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

 

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.

 

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

 

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

 

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

 

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

 

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

 

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

 

 

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's !!

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No2

 

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

 

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

 

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

 

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

 

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No3

 

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.

 

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'

 

 

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

 

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

 

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

 

 

From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

 

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

 

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

 

 

Happened at Luton Airport

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

 

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.

 

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.

 

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

 

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

 

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)

 

 

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No7

 

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

 

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.

 

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

 

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'

 

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

 

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

 

 

 

 

STAY ALERT! They walk among us. AND THEY BREED!

 

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Those examples remind me of something I saw many, many years ago.

 

 

Earls Court Motor Show.

 

On the Ford stand is their brand new105E Anglia, just unveiled to the public, with quite a large crowd around it.

 

A little old lady had been poking around in the engine compartment, and then suddenly realised that there was no starting handle.

 

She asked a keen young salesman " How do I start it if the battery goes flat ? "

 

"Don't worry madam" he said " the battery doesn't go flat on THIS model !"

 

:-D

 

 

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My Father in Law was in the Motor trade - rising to some height at both Dutton Forshaw and Wadham Stringer - names that some in the South of England may remember. He told some hilarious stories about things that happened.

 

One was where a new quite young sales chap sold a Mini to a customer but had on the order sheet that they had ordered the four door model!

 

Another story involving the Mini was how popular it was in Japan and that a very special Mini Mayfair was to be produced by BL for export. All the Dealers were treated to a pre-launch conference and shown the cars. Imagine the consternation within BL management when a couple of the Dealers pointed out that the cars on show for export to Japan were all Left Hand Drive. Japan drives on the left same as us - so the cars needed to be Right Hand Drive.

 

Initially the BL staff did not believe the mistake they had made but when all the Dealers were on the floor laughing they checked it out and after much red faced apoplexy, the cars were converted back to RHD in two days to be ready for the press launch.

 

Also a story re one of the Jaguar range that as a prototype had an incredible rattle that would not go away - in the end it was found to be a spanner left in a box section of the chassis. Thousands and thousands of £'s had been spent trying to eliminate this rattle.

 

Finally a story that is definitely a spoof - but very funny never the less.

 

Apparently Toyota tested the seals on its early Shogun by shutting a cat in the vehicle to see if it suffocated (THIS IS A JOKE BEFORE ANYONE CALLS THE RSPCA (lol) ) - Land Rover thought this was a good idea and tried it on the Discovery Mk 1 just before they launched it.

 

The cat escaped

 

(lol)

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This one is true and a bit sinister, told by Lofty England, Jaguar's new managing director at the time.

 

Jaguar sent a XJ12 prototype over to America for evaluation tests in late 1971 Reg (RPH 133H) It was for testing the air conditioning and high speed cooling tests in New Mexico, it later went to Warner Gear for auto transmission development work. It came back 2yr later.

 

When the experimental boys started to de-instrument the car, they found behind one of the dash side casings a new .38 Smith & Weston revolver with over 100 rounds of ammo.

 

Dave

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I was aircrew on C130 Hercules base at RAF Lyneham for many moons.

 

During a briefing for a 15 ship tactical operation involving hundreds of paras and airdrop loads 'The Boss' (Wing Commander) finished his briefing by saying 'no flying under the Humber Bridge.......I mean it!!)

 

Given that the height of the road deck on the bridge is around 100 feet above high tide this is perfectly possible. We used to conduct airdrop operations at 50 feet all the time.

 

Having completed his brief the Boss handed over to the Army commander....A Brigadier in charge of Airborne troops......who asked in all seriousness...

 

'Can your chaps fly that low'.......

 

The mind boggles..........

 

 

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RogerC - 2012-01-27 8:03 PM

 

I was aircrew on C130 Hercules base at RAF Lyneham for many moons.

 

 

 

Roger

 

Slightly off topic, but, we regularly see RAF transports in our area and they are always flying very low.

 

Is there any particular reason for that ? ( MPG perhaps ???)

 

( I don't have any problem with it - there is no noise problem ).

 

 

;-)

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RogerC - 2012-01-27 8:03 PM

 

Having completed his brief the Boss handed over to the Army commander....A Brigadier in charge of Airborne troops......who asked in all seriousness...

 

'Can your chaps fly that low'.......

 

The mind boggles..........

 

 

You should have said, Yes....especially when landing *-) (lol)

 

Dave

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malc d - 2012-01-27 8:21 PM

 

RogerC - 2012-01-27 8:03 PM

 

I was aircrew on C130 Hercules base at RAF Lyneham for many moons.

 

 

 

Roger

 

Slightly off topic, but, we regularly see RAF transports in our area and they are always flying very low.

 

Is there any particular reason for that ? ( MPG perhaps ???)

 

( I don't have any problem with it - there is no noise problem ).

 

 

;-)

 

In a nutshell....training for war. Military doctrine is:.................'Train for war in times of peace'.

 

Depends where you are in the country how often you'll see them. I was on a tactical squadron for about 9 years and regularly flew low level training sorties all over the country. The usual areas were Wales and Scotland because we could contour fly the valleys. Sometimes we used East Anglia if we were 'dropping' troops or equipment over that way.

 

The operating altitude was 250 feet. However the radio altimeter was set at 200 feet so we could maintain 250 feet without it pinging off all the time. So with an altitude of 250 feet people assume it is actually much lower because in a turn the wing tip drops to about 190 feet above the ground.....so there you go....oh and it's actually more fuel efficient to fly at around 25000 feet.

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I live in a village failrly close to RAF Benson which is home to Merlin Helicopters as well as Pumas.

 

I regularly see them flying under the cables between pylons on the Downs on the ridgeway Path. They also "sit" behind a copse of trees at a few feet off the ground, then pop up and race off down into the valleys etc.

 

Jolly good practise I should think & rather exciting to watch!

:-D :-D

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I remember back in the cold war days a woman in America was being interviewed in her underground nuclear bomb proof bunker, where they had stacks of food, much of it in freezers.

 

The interviewer asked " What happens to all that food when the power is cut in a nuclear attack?"

 

" It's O.K." she said " We're insured "

 

 

;-)

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Low flying. Two incidents, In the mid 60s sailing in a small boat close inshore off Dartmouth when a Buccaneer flew very low overhead from out to sea. As it passed overhead, it had to pull up sharpley to clear the cliffs and turned up the power and the jetwash nearly capsized us.

 

Sometime in the very early 1970s on a bright sunny day I was in a car driving along a road on the edge of Dartmoor. Suddenly the sun went in for a moment as we were overtaken by a very low flying Vulcan bomber. Duck ! you bet I did.

 

 

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malc d - 2012-01-27 9:58 PM

 

I remember back in the cold war days a woman in America was being interviewed in her underground nuclear bomb proof bunker, where they had stacks of food, much of it in freezers.

 

The interviewer asked " What happens to all that food when the power is cut in a nuclear attack?"

 

" It's O.K." she said " We're insured "

 

 

;-)

 

(lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol)

 

 

I am now wiping the tea off my keyboard!

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I am sure this is a spoof but I am assured by a mate of mine who was in the Falklands War that it is true - (but when we have had a few beers I am never THAT sure!) that when the first of the many Hercules aircraft came into land the resident penguins just looked up as this thing flew overhead as tho saying to themselves "what the f**k is that?" and watching it so closly then fell over on their backs and once in that position, they could not get up.

 

So the British Forces set up Penguin patrols to go out and p.p.p.p.pick up a penguin after each incoming flight.

 

8-)

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This has all reminded me of an incident which I have recorded on super 8 cine. To set the scene, Biggin Hill Air Show in the 70's, Friday practise. Standing on the roadside at the end of the runway 03, as was my habit at these shows.

 

Ray Hannah is flying in Spitfire IX, MH434 & disappears. Knowing what was about to happen, I set my cine going looking down into the valley. Sure enough, here comes Ray at full chat out of the valley, 100 ft below the level of the road. I swung the camera round as he went over the road at about 20 ft. Just at that instant a double decker Green Line bus was passing the end of the runway! Missed it by a couple of feet I'd say!

 

Planned or not we'll never know? 8-) 8-)

 

Passengers must have been on a Brown Line to Bromley from that moment! :$

 

Apart from a couple of others who came close (Bob Hoover & Art Scholl) I don't think I have ever seen such a precise flyer... he was simply the best.

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Fot the plane nuts out there ..... Just out of interest - If you pull up Google Earth for Biggin Hill, & zoom in on runway 03 you can see that the Red Arrows have just landed, then look to the East & you realise that it is an Airshow going on - People all along the flightline etc. (date 27/06/2010) This was the 70th Anniversary of the Battle of Britain Show.

 

And at the Southern end you can see a line of parked aircraft including Spitfires, Mustangs, Hurricanes, Bf109's, B17 Flying Fortress, Lancaster, Harvard, & then all sorts of Jets, Taifuns, Harriers, Mirage, Hawk, F18's etc etc.

 

Interesting ..... How many different types can you see? *-) *-) :-D :-D

 

 

 

 

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CliveH - 2012-01-27 11:13 PM

 

I am sure this is a spoof but I am assured by a mate of mine who was in the Falklands War that it is true - (but when we have had a few beers I am never THAT sure!) that when the first of the many Hercules aircraft came into land the resident penguins just looked up as this thing flew overhead as tho saying to themselves "what the f**k is that?" and watching it so closly then fell over on their backs and once in that position, they could not get up.

 

So the British Forces set up Penguin patrols to go out and p.p.p.p.pick up a penguin after each incoming flight.

 

8-)

Clive I can confirm it is not a spoof. I spent over 12 months in and around the South Atlantic and the Falklands including the 'conflict' during my Hercules days. While we were using Stanley airfield in the early days it was normal to 'go tactical' and keep low until reaching a given 'safe exit point' from FI airspace. By doing this we inadvertently caused this phenomenon to occur. Whilst it was funny we quickly learned from the Islanders that this was causing the deaths of penguin chicks. From that time onwards 'no low level flying zones' were implemented wherever possible during the breeding/rearing season. Operating out of the new Mount Pleasant airfield we regularly flew low level missions and were specifically briefed as to which beaches to avoid because of this problem.

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Thank you so much for the update Roger - really appreciate it.

 

My friend, Tony, who was in the Falklands and I shall buy him a pint for doubting his word!!!

 

He had a great time after the hostilities ended - he managed to get the use of an Argentinean Mercedes G Wagon and on a later tour helped an American archaeological expedition raise on old American Clipper that had been sunk in one of the bays.

 

Tony says one of the American Divers was an ex US Navy Seal who had lost a leg below the knee. His party trick was to get the prettiest girls to help him after a dive pull his flippers off - the first on his good leg would come off OK, but to the horror of the girls, they pulled his whole lower leg off with the other one!!

 

When we have had a few these sorts of antics are hilarious - SWMBO is not always impressed tho!

 

Have you read the book about the Vulcan bomber raids? - Truly amazing stuff.

 

Plenty of humour in the book as well - especially liked the bit about the powers that be deciding that the guys at Ascension Island needing spiritual guidance and so kept trying to send out a military dog collar chap. But the one guy on Ascension in charge of supplies etc would only accept people and kit required for the task and so kept sending this poor Chaplain back.

 

He spent much of the entire conflict, in the air going back and forth from the UK to Ascension.

 

(lol) (lol) (lol)

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Guest pelmetman
malc d - 2012-01-27 8:21 PM

 

Roger

 

Slightly off topic, but, we regularly see RAF transports in our area and they are always flying very low.

 

Is there any particular reason for that ?

 

;-)

 

They're scared of heights :D

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Continuing the 'Falklands humour' thing:

 

During our 13.5 hour C130 flights from Ascension Is to Port Stanley we would mid air refuel twice.....an arse clenching manoeuver for sure. Anyway with a number of aircraft involved to get just one C130 to Port Stanley we used to play 'Battleships' with one of our airborne friends.

 

Imagine the scene...3900 miles to cover.....1000 miles into the South Atlantic.....bored except for two periods of intense concentration during refuelling. Our tanker aircraft which leaves Asi after us because it flies much faster is two hours behind us. We open up an air to air channel and let 'Battleships' commence.

 

Radio communication as follows:

 

TANKER..........HERC

B1 HIT

B2 HIT

B3 HIT

B4 HIT

B5 HIT

 

Herc to Tanker..........."You ba*tard you just sunk my battleship"

 

On our return to Asi some three days later there was a 'stern' message awaiting us from GCHQ:

'Desist from all such radio communications immediately'.......'"You Ba*tard you just sunk my Battleship" might be misinterpreted by other agencies listening in............Oooops (lol)

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