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I know they are old but they still make me smile

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1. A bicycle cannot stand alone because it is two tired.


2. A will is a dead giveaway.


3. Time flies like the wind fruit flies like peaches.


4. A backward poet writes inverse.


5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your

count that votes.


6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.


8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.


9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A- flat



10. When a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds.


11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.


12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in

Linoleum Blownapart.


13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.


15. A calendar's days are numbered.


16. A boiled egg is hard to beat.


17. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.


18. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at



19. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


20. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.


21. If you jump off a Paris bridge you're in Seine .


22. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.


23. Bakers swap bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


24. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


25. Acupuncture: a jab well done.


26. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of d'feet.


27. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned

out to be an optical Aleutian .


28. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.


29. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it

was a weapon of maths disruption.


30. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


31. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


32. Two silk worms had a race but they ended up in a tie.


33. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are

looking into it.


34. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


35. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to

the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'


36. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


37. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


38. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a

seasoned veteran.


39. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


40. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.



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