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I know they are old but they still make me smile


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1. A bicycle cannot stand alone because it is two tired.

 

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

 

3. Time flies like the wind fruit flies like peaches.

 

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your

count that votes.

 

6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

 

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A- flat

miner.

 

10. When a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds.

 

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in

Linoleum Blownapart.

 

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

 

15. A calendar's days are numbered.

 

16. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

17. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 

18. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at

large.

 

19. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

20. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

 

21. If you jump off a Paris bridge you're in Seine .

 

22. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

 

23. Bakers swap bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

24. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

25. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

26. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of d'feet.

 

27. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned

out to be an optical Aleutian .

 

28. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 

29. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it

was a weapon of maths disruption.

 

30. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 

31. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

32. Two silk worms had a race but they ended up in a tie.

 

33. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are

looking into it.

 

34. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

35. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to

the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

 

36. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

37. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 

38. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a

seasoned veteran.

 

39. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

40. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

 

 

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