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What a truly horrible day so far ...


Mel B

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What a crappy day today has been.

 

I got a phone call just after 1.00 am to tell me that my Dad had passed away (he was 87). He had been in hospital for a while then moved into a residential home because he wasn't able to go back home to live on his own as couldn't look after himself so had been in the home for a few weeks. Recently though he had been refusing to eat and despite their managing to get him to have something most days he had also refused to take his medication on occasion (he had an infection on top of other things). As my brother was about to have a short break in New York we didn't know if this was part of the reason why he wasn't eating etc as he'd done it before to get attention and stop them going away, but they went anyway on Wednesday (as indeed they should have). He then perked up on Thursday and stated to eat and take his medication again so I was intending to go and see him today and take some bit from home in for him, but unfortunately he wouldn't eat again yesterday or take his medication (although I wasn't aware as my sister didn't tell me) so I didn't get the chance to go and see him.

 

Then, this afternoon, we got a visit from hubby's step-Dad and his wife to tell us that they've found out (on his 75th birthday no less) that he has cancer in his lower jaw/face, he's got to go for an MRI etc to see if it is contained or has spread so we won't know the outcome until 5 December when he's due to see his consultant again. They have a 5-day 'Turkey and Tinsel' holiday in Eastbourne from Monday so are still going and will try to have a good time but it obviously a big worry for him and his lovely wife.

 

Hopefully, in this instance, things DO NOT happen in threes .....

 

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Thanks for your thoughts guys, not sure how I actually feel at the moment, just a bit numb I suppose.

 

I wasn't close to my Dad (very difficult person to get on with at times) but he was my Dad all the same and I remember the good things and am trying to ignore the bad times. We've got to sort out the various bits and pieces/formalities, cremation etc so the next week will be difficult I expect especially since I don't want to 'tread' on any of my siblings' toes as they were closer to him that I was.

 

It may sound awful but I am more 'upset' at what is happening with my Father-in-Law as although he's hubby's step-Dad, we have always regarded him as his 'real' Dad as he's been there for my hubby since he was in his teens and treated him as his own. He's been a bit of a 'stand-in' Father to me too. Even when he split up with hubby's Mum we have still treated him, and he treated us, just as before and also totally welcomed his new wife as part of our family. Hubby got a bit upset when they told us as it is around this time when we lost his Mum a few years ago so brought back some unhappy memories.

 

At the moment I'm trying to take my mind of things by having a mooch round the forum etc so I'll probably pop-up on other postings too. :-S

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Things will get better and although it is a bit of a cliche 'time is a great healer'. Most elderly people know that time is running out and the last thing they want is for the younger ones to fret too much. Remember the good times and forget the bad. I am not trying to be flippant but having been there several times, as have many of us no doubt, it is something you accept as part of life, grieve, and move on. There are no doubt others who are depending on you need to know that.

 

I wish you well.

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Mel B - 2012-11-24 6:58 PM

 

At the moment I'm trying to take my mind of things by having a mooch round the forum etc so I'll probably pop-up on other postings too. :-S

 

A horrible day indeed, there must be a balance of how much to mourn and how much to carry on with life, but I've not found it yet.

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I thought the same as Patricia above.

 

Tis a sad time for news such as this Mel. MiL went on the 12th December a few years back. so I have some idea of what you are going through.

 

Christmas always seems worse somehow with news like this.

 

But hey! - Chin up!!

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We were grateful that we were able to have the cremation on the 22nd Dec Dave. We managed to get the second to last "slot".

 

It was not much of a Christmas but amazing how kind friends and family were.

 

I do not envy your position having had to wait until the New Year. :-|

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So sorry to hear you news Mel. It's very tragic. At least he had a reasonably long life and it must have been hard for him on his own. he probably just gave up the fight, as many in his position do.
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Things are progressing slowly. Cremation is now arranged for a week on Friday and the 'wake' is getting sorted too.

 

The MASSIVE problem is that Dad didn't have a will, despite many requests he just wouldn't do one and thought a few scribbled notes on a piece of paper, which he didn't sign or get witnessed, would be sufficient, which, of course, it isn't, therefore he died 'intestate'. Whilst he didn't have a lot of assets/money in his estate it is sufficient for it to fall under probate to sort it all out. This is completely new to me - from what I can gather some 'official body' has to oversee it all and decide where the money etc should go/who the beneficiary (or beneficiaries) should be, and anyone who believes they have a 'claim' against it has to make one ... I think! *-)

 

My Mum is still alive and kicking, and although they lived separately she never officially separated or divorced so it appears that she should be the 'sole' beneficiary, but she doesn't want anything - indeed it hadn't even crossed her mind that she'd be entitled to a single thing; she doesn't even want his small work pension. She has a small insurance policy on Dad which she took out shortly after they married (over 60 years ago) which will pay out around £900, however, she doesn't want this either. Quite apart from the fact that she doesn't want anything as she feels she had 'given up her right' to anything when she left him, she is concerned about the hassle it will cause for her benefits and the small amount of savings she has - at 87 years old I can understand her not wanting the aggro of it all but legally I'm not sure she has a choice. Add to this that she can be a real stubborn and awkward old 'dear' at times and I can envisage a lot of 'discussions' having to be held to get her to understand the 'legal' standpoint and that just refusing to accept it possibly won't be permitted as the benefits agency may see this as solely for the purposely doing so to continue to receive benefits (which it wouldn't be). Similarly it doesn't appear she could realistically spend it, or give it way, as this could be classed as 'deprivation of assets'.

 

My brother is going to one of Dad's banks tomorrow to see how things stand with them, but I can see this all getting very, very messy (and probably expensive!) and take a bit of sorting out.

 

if anyone has an insights into this or advice it would be VERY GRATEFULLY RECEIVED!!!! 8-)

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Hi Mel. Not wishing to put a damper on things, my aunt died earlier this year, she left everything 50/50 to her two daughters. Her estate was worth £44k, her bank wanted £300 just to release the will. This was the most straight forward will I have read but had to go to probate, total cost £3k and it was only finalised last month, 9 months after her death >:-(

 

Dave

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colin - 2012-11-30 9:13 PM

 

Dieing intestate is no big deal, whilst the paperwork might seem a little daunting at first, it's all very simple when you take it step by step, DIY and it will only cost a few pounds.

 

Well it is not that simple if the deceased relative was a distant one, and there are "missing" relatives, and there is a business to be wound up too. It is a very complicated and convoluted matter in such circumstances. Professionals have HAD to be employed in the case with which we are dealing. It is a "big deal".

 

Sorry... do not wish to hi-jack Mel's thread, and probably in her situation it will prove to be a simple procedure. Just wish to correct the impression that it is always a "breeze" and can be dealt with through a straightforward DIY process.

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Try this Mel,

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_death_and_wills_e/who_can_inherit_if_there_is_no_will___the_rules_of_intestacy.htm

As I read it, it may be very difficult for your Mum to reject (disclaim) her inheritance -- which, as you can see, is all hers (I presume that your Dad has left less than £450,000, and you say that they they were not divorced) But -- she might be able to make a deed of variation -- or family arrangement. Get legal/CAB advice concerning the effect on pension/benefits, but I think that such an arrangement should be O.K., the Benefits Agency surely just needs to know your Mum's share when it is finally dispersed -- but -- it does need the agreement of all the possible benficiaries -- which can cause difficulties in some families!

 

Your friendly local CAB can help more if you need it, but this 'Adviceguide' item provides you with the basics on intestacy.

For any one else reading this -- www.adviceguide.co.uk is THE business if you need advice on (almost) anything! --Good old CAB!

 

Sorry to hear of your horrible day Mel, hope this helps,

 

Cheers,

 

Colin.

 

 

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