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True love


donna miller

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After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

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Doing my best

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SCOTTISH WEDDING

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who

has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

 

 

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

 

 

 

New Book

A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

 

 

 

Poor Lance Armstrong -

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

 

 

 

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick Bast8888!!

 

 

 

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit

my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -

You're supposed to turn your clock back".

 

So True

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you once you've been f@#ked.

 

 

 

Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"

"For f.... sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

 

 

 

Sex Research (could be handy)

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!

 

 

 

EASYJET

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.

The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

 

 

 

The meaning of life in 13 words……

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f@*k happened”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

 

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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. After a few weeks the owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

 

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large] so the word condom won’t even be used.

 

The first day was fine but on the second day a big black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "Can I have 350 please”.

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

 

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

 

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes !” she said " He's got one hanging there!"

 

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50.... He's the window cleaner!”

 

 

AT THE BAR

 

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello! Are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales. Wales, you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

 

 

 

 

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

 

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

 

Both are fatal.

 

 

 

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

 

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

 

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

 

'There's no charge,' she says.

 

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

 

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

 

'So I just switched the heads.'

 

 

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

 

 

 

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

 

 

 

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

 

 

 

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

 

 

 

 

EVER WONDER...

 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

 

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

 

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

 

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

 

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The guy who discovered that we could drink cows milk, exactly what was he doing at the time?

 

Is it true that A Yorkshireman is really a Scot with all the Humour and Generousity wrung out of him?

 

Is it also true that copper wire was invented when a Scotsman tried to take an old penny from a Yorkshireman?

AGD

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Are you smarter than a …

 

60 year old?

 

THIS WAS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

 

THE ANSWERS WERE ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE.

 

I REMEMBERED, BUT ...

 

DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT

 

A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was picky who I sent this to….

 

It had to be those who might actually remember.

 

So have some fun ‘my sharp-witted’ friends.

 

This is a test for us 'older kids'!

 

The answers are printed below,

 

(after the questions)

 

But don't cheat! Answer them first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

01.

 

After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset,

 

The grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man?

 

Invariably, someone would answer,

 

“I don't know, but he left this behind”.

 

What did he leave behind? __ ______ ________.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

02.

 

When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964,

 

We all watched them on The ___ _________ Show.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

03.

 

'Get your kicks, ____ ________ ____.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

04.

 

'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to

 

________ ____ _______.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

05.

 

'In the jungle, the mighty jungle,

 

___ _____ _______ ________.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

06.

 

After the Twist, the Mashed Potato, and the Watusi,

 

We 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go

 

In a dance called the '_____________.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

07.

 

"Nestle's makes the very best _____________."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

08.

 

Satchmo was America's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.'

 

Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.

 

His name was ____ _____________.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

09.

 

What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ________ _______.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10.

 

Red Skeleton's hobo character was named _______ ___ ___________

 

And Red always ended his television show by saying,

 

'Good Night, and _____ ________.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11.

 

Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War

 

Did so by burning their ______ ________.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12.

 

The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front

 

Was called the VW. What other names did it go by?

 

___ _______ & ___ __________.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

13.

 

In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about,

 

'the day the music died.'

 

This was a tribute to ________ ___________.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

14.

 

We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.

 

The Russians did it.

 

It was called ___________________.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15.

 

One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's

 

Was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist.

 

It was called the ‘_______ - _______’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ANSWERS :

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

01.

 

The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet .

 

02.

 

The Ed Sullivan Show

 

03.

 

On Route 66

 

04.

 

‘To protect the innocent’

 

05.

 

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

 

06.

 

The Limbo

 

07.

 

Chocolate

 

08.

 

Louis Armstrong

 

09.

 

The Timex watch

 

10.

 

Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

 

11.

 

Draft cards

 

( Bras were also burned . Not flags, as some have guessed)

 

12.

 

Beetle or Bug

 

13.

 

Buddy Holly

 

14.

 

Sputnik

 

15.

 

Hoola-hoop

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donna miller - 2013-06-27 5:03 PM

 

I'm too young for most of those, I thought the answer to number 1 was a pile of horse ........... :D

 

 

 

Hi Donna

It did say "are you cleverer than a 60 year old"

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Guest pelmetman

Why are married women heavier than single women?

 

When single women come home they go to see what's in the fridge then go to bed. A married woman comes home, see what's in bed then go to the fridge.

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A Pilot Father's Love...

 

 

Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, the kid usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with a child, in case you would like to use the technique.

1015766096_boy1.jpg.956360c38b4a7b44b15d2f4368a5ae01.jpg

190432704_boy2.jpg.1e411627b72881f20c8fd8d7364e958d.jpg

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I may have posted this one before but what the heck, here goes

 

 

 

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

 

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

 

Try this Out:

 

Stop at your pharmacy And Go to the thermometer section and Purchase A rectal thermometer made

By Johnson & Johnson.

 

Be very sure you get this Brand.

 

When You get home, lock your doors,

Draw The curtains and disconnect the phone

So You will not be disturbed.

 

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit

In your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the Thermometer.

 

Now, Carefully place it on a table or a surface

So That it will not become chipped or broken.

 

Now The fun part begins.

Take Out the literature from the box and read it Carefully.

 

You Will notice that in small print there is a Statement:

 

 

"Every Rectal Thermometer Made by Johnson & Johnson Is Personally tested

And then Sanitized."

 

Now,

Close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in The thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

 

 

HAVE

A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE

OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

 

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Subject: The Last Kiss

 

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin,Illinois,bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .

 

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.

 

 

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donna miller - 2013-07-01 5:58 PM

 

Relationships are a lot like algebra... Ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 

..... if you try to find the answer to that for too long you get ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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