Tracker Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million p*ssed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted August 16, 2013 Author Share Posted August 16, 2013 SUBJECT: LITTLE JOHNNY'S BREAKFAST A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'. 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'. The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Canadian border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Canadian boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bugger all for breakfast' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antony1969 Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 Thought we did the worlds worst jokes thread earlier this week Rich ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 Sky are rumoured to be close to launching their own dedicated Scottish Channel later this month, and have previewed what they are intending to broadcast Here's a selection of the listed programmes: Sky Wan 9am News and whair it's pishin doon 9.30am How claty is yer hoose? This week the ladies pay a visit to a man whose wife shot the craw only three days ago to find the entire hoose under five inches of stoor and the cludgy honkin o' pish 10am The Mags Hainey Show Early mornin chat show hosted by big Mags Hainey in which neds and Sengas settle their petty differences by screaming obscenities and attacking each other with furniture for the amusement of the viewing public. This morning's episode is entitled "Whair's ma effin hoosekeepin money disappeared tae?" 12.30pm News and whair it's pishin doon 1pm Neeburs Soap opera set in the village of Kinghorn in Fife. This week Archie accuses Morag of being in league with Lucifer and has her burned at the stake 2pm Film Angels wi Manky Coupons 4pm Tam the Tank Engine Tam goes aff the rails and the Fat Controller is chuffed tae bits 4.15pm Boab the Builder Reality show where Boab is investigated by the Inland Revenue 6pm News and whair it's pishin doon 7pm Doaktir Whae In this week's episode the Scottish time traveller takes the TARDIS back tae 1966 and breks Geoff Hurst's legs wae a sonic Glesca screwdriver 7.30pm Torn Faced Cockney w*****s Eastenders wi' subtitles. In tonight's episode, Pauline gets her jotters fae the steamie while the rest o' the cast stoat aboot wi' faces the length o' Leith Walk 9pm Fitba Player's Burds Drama surrounding the players of fourth division Auchtermuchty Rovers and their off-pitch antics. This week Boaby is worried that the club is facing relegation while Moira is gettin baw deep from the Aberfeldy Academicals goalie 10pm News and whair it's pishin doon 12.30am Merrit Wi Weans Re-make of the popular American sit-com 'Married With Children.' In this week's episode, Al sits in front o' the telly scratchin his baws while Meg is still chokin on her Nat King Cole 1.30am The Beechgrove Back-Green The boys plans tae dae up a gairdin in Niddrie are scuppered when local neds eff off wi the wheelbarra 2.15am Close Doon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted August 16, 2013 Author Share Posted August 16, 2013 antony1969 - 2013-08-16 9:02 PM Thought we did the worlds worst jokes thread earlier this week Rich ? Not quite Antony - I think it was still posting until a day or two ago! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teflon2 Posted August 17, 2013 Share Posted August 17, 2013 Tracker - 2013-08-16 8:52 PM I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million p*ssed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? good to see the forums back on track. John (lol) (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teflon2 Posted August 17, 2013 Share Posted August 17, 2013 donna miller - 2013-08-16 9:37 PM Sky are rumoured to be close to launching their own dedicated Scottish Channel later this month, and have previewed what they are intending to broadcast Here's a selection of the listed programmes: Sky Wan 9am News and whair it's pishin doon 9.30am How claty is yer hoose? This week the ladies pay a visit to a man whose wife shot the craw only three days ago to find the entire hoose under five inches of stoor and the cludgy honkin o' pish 10am The Mags Hainey Show Early mornin chat show hosted by big Mags Hainey in which neds and Sengas settle their petty differences by screaming obscenities and attacking each other with furniture for the amusement of the viewing public. This morning's episode is entitled "Whair's ma effin hoosekeepin money disappeared tae?" 12.30pm News and whair it's pishin doon 1pm Neeburs Soap opera set in the village of Kinghorn in Fife. This week Archie accuses Morag of being in league with Lucifer and has her burned at the stake 2pm Film Angels wi Manky Coupons 4pm Tam the Tank Engine Tam goes aff the rails and the Fat Controller is chuffed tae bits 4.15pm Boab the Builder Reality show where Boab is investigated by the Inland Revenue 6pm News and whair it's pishin doon 7pm Doaktir Whae In this week's episode the Scottish time traveller takes the TARDIS back tae 1966 and breks Geoff Hurst's legs wae a sonic Glesca screwdriver 7.30pm Torn Faced Cockney w*****s Eastenders wi' subtitles. In tonight's episode, Pauline gets her jotters fae the steamie while the rest o' the cast stoat aboot wi' faces the length o' Leith Walk 9pm Fitba Player's Burds Drama surrounding the players of fourth division Auchtermuchty Rovers and their off-pitch antics. This week Boaby is worried that the club is facing relegation while Moira is gettin baw deep from the Aberfeldy Academicals goalie 10pm News and whair it's pishin doon 12.30am Merrit Wi Weans Re-make of the popular American sit-com 'Married With Children.' In this week's episode, Al sits in front o' the telly scratchin his baws while Meg is still chokin on her Nat King Cole 1.30am The Beechgrove Back-Green The boys plans tae dae up a gairdin in Niddrie are scuppered when local neds eff off wi the wheelbarra 2.15am Close Doon and I thought yosser had trouble spelling. John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DuxDeluxe Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 Great joke, though....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pkc Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 A poor Irish Navvy wins a fortune on the lottery. Always jealous of his employer's Rolls Royce, he goes immediately around to the dealer to order the top spec model. On delivery he drives straight to his old boss, only to find him watching a television in the car. In a rage he drives back to the dealer, wanting to know why his car is not so equipped, and has one fitted. Arriving back at his boss's home he is amazed to see him talking on the latest satellite phone in the back of his car. Straight back to the dealer to have one fitted. On his way back he sees his boss's car car parked in a nearby lane with the windows all steamed up. ' caught you this time he says to himself ' and raps loudly on the window, When the window lowers he says" what do you tink of dis," and flourishes his new phone. WHAT! The boss screams, you got me out the bath to show me that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.