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michele

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A man is working on cross country buses collecting tickets.

 

He rings the bell for the bus driver to drive off as a woman is just about to get onto the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's put in the chair and before the switch is pulled, the executioner grants him a final wish.

 

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

 

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so," says the executioner. "That's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on.

A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the entire state of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" asks the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.

When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

 

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair once again. The executioner rigs up the entire country's electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a billion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

 

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that!" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it," he asked.

 

Nahh" said the bloke,…..

…….

 

……..

 

……..

 

 

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

 

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Fconfession

 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

 

Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation, and five good leads."

(lol)

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Guest Frank Wilkinson

I heard about a bloke who was a bus driver and one day a passenger tapped him on the shoulder to ask him the best place to stop. The driver screamed and went rigid and crashed into the back of of a line of cars at the traffic lights that they'd been approaching.

The passenger said "My God what was all that about?".

"I'm really sorry" said the driver, "but this is my first day on the job, for the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse".

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