michele Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 Just for a laugh ............ Man goes into a chemist and asks, 'Do you sell Viagra? Yes! says the chemist. And does it work! Yes! says the chemist. And can you get it over the counter ? Yes! if I take two...
Guest Frank Wilkinson Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mummy", he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," replied his mother.
michele Posted January 6, 2007 Author Posted January 6, 2007 What's the difference between a circus and a singles bar ? At a circus the clowns don't talk What's the difference between a Blonde and a lawyer There are somethings even a blonde won't do . How do you get a man in your bed shouting your name and gasping for breath? Hold a pillow over his face .
Ranger Posted January 6, 2007 Posted January 6, 2007 His wifes birthday was coming up so he thought better not miss it this year, was right in the dog house for missing last years. So he went out and bought a very, very sheer night dress, it as so sheer it cost him £250. He gave it to her on the morning of her birth day and went off to work. Once he was out of the door she went through his pockets and found the receipt. Took the nightdress and the receipt back to the shop and got the £250 back for her self. He came home from work, and took her out for a night on the town. On arriving back home he sent her to put the nightdress on. She pannicked, wondered what to do? so went up stairs stripped of naked, and came down stairs and did the 'cat walk stuff'!!! He said:- For £250 I would have thought they would have run an iron over it!!! Apparently he never heard shot!
Ralph Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 A man and a woman, both widow(er)s, were members of a motorhome club. As time went by they became more friendly and eventually they decided that it would be a good idea to rally using just one van instead of two. "I suppose", said the man in an embarrased tone, "we should discuss sex..." She thought about this for a while and eventually said "I think I'd like it infrequently" "Oh" he said dissapointedly. Then brightening up he asked "Is that one word or two?" Well at least I got motorhomes into mine :-D
Guest starspirit Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Man goes into a sex shop and asks for an iflatable doll. Assistant says 'Christian or Muslim, sir?' 'What's the difference?' the man asks. Well sir, with the Christian one you have to inflate her yourself whereas the Muslim one blows itself up.
kelly58 Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 The latest viagra is now 50% viagra and 50% valium so if you dont get a **** you dont give a **** :$
michele Posted January 7, 2007 Author Posted January 7, 2007 How do you know when your in bed with a Blacksmith? He hammers away for hours then he makes a bolt for the door....boom boom. How do you know when you have found Mr Right His first name is always. How do you know when your husband is dead .. The sex is the same but the smell of the farts has gone. How can you tell when a man is well hung His face is blue and he's stopped struggling. ;-)
howie Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 After all the stick you ladies have taken, I feel its only right to offer our apologies with the sentiments expressed with some old C&W songs. 1/ My wife ran off wth my best friend, and I sure do miss him. 2/ If the phone don,t ring then you know its me. 3/ I liked you better before I got to know you so well. 4/ I,ll marry you tomorrow, but lets honeymoon tonight. 5/ Its so miserable without you, its like your still here. 6/ I wouldn,t take her to a dog fight, cause I know she,d always win. 7/ Its hard to kiss the lips that chewed your ass out all day long. 8/ I ain,t never gone to bed with a ugly woman, but i,ve sure woken up with a few. 9/ I If I had shot you when I wanted to. i,d be out of prison by now. And of course that all time favourite. I hate every bone in her body but mine. 8-)
michele Posted January 7, 2007 Author Posted January 7, 2007 Ok Women jokes.... whats the best position to make an ugly baby ? i don't know! Well call your mum because she certainly does? Sorry I'm not your type I'm not inflatable. I bet your not a virgin. you're right - because not all men are as ugly as you. tell me everything you know Ihave 20 seconds to spare ;-)
carolh Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Famous Name A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together, "the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed: "Dear sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, (scroll down) Dick van Dyke"
michele Posted January 7, 2007 Author Posted January 7, 2007 Subject: to be 6 again >> >> TO BE 6 AGAIN >> A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning >> back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. >> Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have >> for her Birthday. >> I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror. >> On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big >> bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. >> What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death >> Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... >> everything there was. >> >> Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was >> reeling and her stomach felt upside down. >> >> He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal >> with extra fries and a chocolate shake. >> Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite >> candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she wobbled home >> with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. >> He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well >> Dear, what was it like being six again ?? >> Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. >> >> I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !! >> The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to >> get it wrong.
Ranger Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 A couple bought a wardrobe in a second hand shop which was supposed to have a magic mirror. If one stood in front of the mirror and made a wish in rhyme, the wish would come true. The woman stripped of and stood in front of the mirror and said:- Mirror mirror on the door, give me a bust of forty four! And BOOM BOOM that was just what she got!!! The man stood in front of the mirror and said:- Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!!!! And Boom Boom, BOTH HIS LEGS FELL OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!
michele Posted January 7, 2007 Author Posted January 7, 2007 A blonde is crossing the road when she is hit by a car The driver rushes round to see if shes ok My eye's My eye's she shouts Everythings gone all blurry! The drivers worried that he might of really injured her So he say's how many fingers have I got up? Oh no she cries Don't tell me I am Paralysed from the waist down as well.
michele Posted January 7, 2007 Author Posted January 7, 2007 Why does the blind man take Viagra ? make him look hard ;-)
Ranger Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 crazy paving is not what it is cracked up to be.
Ranger Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 A loud mouthed vicious looking woman entered Tescos dragging two kids with her, while slapping them around and cursing them with foul language. The door greeter said:- 'Ah Madam what lovelly children, are they twins'??? No she yelled, 'one is 12 and the other 7, what makes you think they are twins you stupid ****head?' 'Well Madam' said the door greeter, "I just could not imagine anyone wanting to make love to you TWICE"
Forester Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 The location of saddam hussains hanging is being kept secret,but irish intelligence belive it's likely to be around his neck area.
Forester Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Just a quick message to say Happy Easter from all of us at Eccles Alzhiemers Society and all the very best for 1982 xx
Guest starspirit Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Matalan are doing a new fashion line of shirts labelled Saddam Specials. They are a bit tight around the neck but hang well.
Forester Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 There was an Irishman in the middle of a corn field rowing a boat when another Irishman drove by, The bloke in the car got out and shouted to the one in the boat; it's tw**s like you that give the the rest of us Irish a bad name "and if i could swim, I'd come out there and teach you a f***in' lesson"
Forester Posted January 9, 2007 Posted January 9, 2007 You are in a car driving at a constant speed, to your left is a fire engine, in front is a galloping pig,you cannot overtake,behind you is a helicopter, flying at ground level.All are travelling at the same speed as you. What do you doto get out of this dangerous situation???GET OFF THE MERRY GO ROUND YOU DRUNKEN SOD!.
Ranger Posted January 10, 2007 Posted January 10, 2007 I was in a cafe down in the market, and an old couple came in and sat at the next table. He had bought one cup of tea, a burger on a plate small pile of chips. He put the tea in the middle so they sipped it between them, and divided the burger and chips in two. I thought poor old sods, not much money, so I offered to buy him another burger and chips so they wouldn't have to share. No thanks he said we are O.K. After a while when he was tucking into the food, I said to her:- I'd love to buy you another burger and chips. No thanks she said:- "We share everything". So what are you waiting for I asked???............."THE TEETH" She said.
michele Posted January 10, 2007 Author Posted January 10, 2007 A blonde girl is staying in a expensive hotel and decides she'll try a milk bath! So she calls down to reception and ask's them to send up 30 pints of milk to fill up the bath . Pasturised? ask's the receptionist ? No just up to my tit's replies the blonde...........
Forester Posted January 11, 2007 Posted January 11, 2007 Paddy was driving home pissed as a newt. Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another then another, A cop car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road, Paddy tells the cop all about the trees in the road. the cop says for f**k sake paddy thats your air freshner.
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