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Just for Veronica!!

 

 

 

 

At the gates to Heaven there are three men with their daughters.

 

The first man says to St. Peter " Are we getting in"?

 

St. Peter replies "No all you ever cared about in life was money you even called your daughter Penny"

 

So off they go to get into the queue for Hell.

 

The next man says "Can we come in:?

 

St. Peter says "No all you ever cared about in life was alcohol and getting drunk, you even called your daughter Sherry"!

 

So they too join the Hell queue.

 

The third man turns to his daughter and says "Come on Fanny we're not getting in here".

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starvin marvin - 2017-09-20 6:39 PM

 

That's a terrible joke. Whatever you do don't give up your day job!

 

 

Please show us all how it should be done and post some decent jokes then!!

 

PS I gave up the day job years ago and now I can laugh while you poor people work to keep me in the style I am getting used to!

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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

 

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY".

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

 

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

 

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

 

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'

Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

 

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

 

 

The wife's back on the warpath again.

She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next crap could spell disaster.

 

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.

It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

 

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night,

or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

 

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

 

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

 

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.

I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

 

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."

"That's a disgrace," said the priest,"especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

 

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country

so that they can see their own doctor.

 

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

 

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Nelson at Trafalgar in 2015

 

 

 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

 

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

 

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

 

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now.

We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

 

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

 

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

 

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.."

 

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.

We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

 

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

 

Nelson: "What?"

 

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

 

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

 

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

 

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

 

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

 

 

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

 

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

 

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

 

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 

Nelson: "We're not?"

 

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

 

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

 

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

 

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

 

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

 

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

 

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

 

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 

Nelson: "In that case

?

................ Kiss me, Hardy."

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

 

 

 

 

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family

 

values.

 

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

 

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

 

___________________________________________

 

 

 

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence

 

come from?'

 

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause

 

I still have mine.'

 

___________________________________________

 

 

 

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court

 

Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'

 

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then

 

I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'

 

___________________________________________

 

 

 

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took

 

the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

 

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good

 

with the kids.'

 

___________________________________________

 

 

 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been

 

living with for the last 40 years.

 

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that

 

were used to put the curse on you.'

 

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

 

___________________________________________

 

 

 

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take

 

to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

 

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

 

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

 

___________________________________________

 

 

 

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

 

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

 

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

 

'A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?'

 

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

 

___________________________________________

 

 

 

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

 

Joe: 'Really?'

 

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

 

___________________________________________

 

 

 

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him

 

how he is feeling.

 

'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in

 

surgery,' he answered.

 

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

 

'Oops!'

 

___________________________________________

 

 

 

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of

 

bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had

 

even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

 

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an

 

all-in-one?'

 

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

 

He's still in intensive care.

 

___________________________________________

 

 

 

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of

 

thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more

 

thunder rumbling in the distance...

 

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's arrived.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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At a medical school in Australia a learned professor is delivering a lecture on involuntary reactions to a group of students during the first period after lunch. The weather was hot and humid, and he noticed that one or two of the students were nodding off, so he threw a piece of chalk at a girl sat in the front row, and said to her "do you know what your arsehole is doing when you have an orgasm?". She thought for a couple of seconds and replied "he'd probably be down the pub, drinking with his mates."

 

AGD

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a husband and wife go to the doctors for a check up. The doctor first examines the wife and then the husband. Afterwards the doctor asks the wife to have a word with him in private. After the husband leaves the room the doctor tells her 'I'm sorry but your husband is gravely ill but will pull through if you follow this regime. Be very nice to him and do not shout or argue. Let him have his favourite food as much as possible and be especially nice to him on his birthday. Finally make love to him at least three times a week and f you do this he should live a long and happy life".

 

Afterwards the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her.

 

she replied....

 

"You're going to die."

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An old woman goes to see the GP.

 

I keep passing wind but they are neither smelly or noisy

 

OK says the Doc. Take these pills and come back in a week.

 

A week later she returns and complains that those pills have made her wind terribly smelly.

 

Great says the Doc. That's your nose cured now lets sort out your ears.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Three mischievous old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by and one of the old ladies called out, we bet we can tell how old you are.

 

The old man responded there is no way you can do that.

 

One of the women said, of course we can, just drop your trousers and pants and we can tell your exact age.

 

Embarrassed just a little but anxious to prove they couldn't do it he dropped his drawers.

 

They asked him to turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down three times.

 

Then they all piped up and said, you are 87 years old.

 

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

 

How in the world did you guess?

 

Grinning from ear to ear the three ladies happily yelled in unison.

 

We were all at your birthday party yesterday and thanks for the show!

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The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

 

Statistics just released from The United Nations revealed that,

 

North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, and a small number a lot more.

 

Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

 

This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

 

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