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More Politically Correct Stuff.


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A version of this was written fairly recently by a columnist for one of the national papers (Mail? Telegraph?).

I got sent it as an email attachment by a friend in the UK, and think it's a gem.

Enjoy!

.....................................................................................................................

 

 

Roll up for the Much-Culling-in-the-Marsh summer show 2008!

 

How long before the UK Government decides that the foot and mouth and bluetongue outbreaks should be seen as an opportunity, not a crisis?

It will enable them to bring forward long-anticipated plans to convert the nation to a wholly vegetarian diet, thus saving the NHS millions in cancer, heart disease, diabetes and obesity treatments.

Furthermore, by slaughtering all cattle, pigs and sheep, they will eliminate up to 50 per cent of flatulent gas emissions, reduce our carbon footprint significantly and enable Britain to meet her commitments under the Kyoto Treaty on climate change.

However, ministers are sensitive to accusations that their policies show a callous disregard for the countryside. The Cabinet has decided therefore that despite the foot and mouth opportunity, traditional agricultural shows should go ahead as normal.

Civil servants are no doubt already drawing up a set of guidelines to “help” organisers adapt to the new livestock-free environment. Those who comply will be eligible for grants from their newly devised "Land-Use Diversity" Fund.

………………………………………

 

"We now take you over to the Mummerset County Showground, at Much Culling in the Marsh, for the grand opening of the new-look, New Labour Agricultural Fayre.

 

Due to flooding, the replacement bus service has itself been replaced by a flotilla of dinghies, which will ferry visitors to the event from the roof of the former railway station.

 

We regret that following the closure of the Much Culling sub post office and tea room, advance tickets are only available via iPhone.

Those who intend to arrive by Land Rover will be subject to a £25 a day 'green' tax, payable to Mr Livingstone, chair of the parish council. This charge will also apply to all contestants in the tractor pull.

 

The Government hopes to encourage farmers to abandon their gas-guzzling machines and use horse-drawn ploughs and other alternatives. For instance, it takes only 300 Albanian labourers to do the job of one combine harvester.

 

On arrival, after being sprayed with disinfectant and wading through a sheep dip, visitors will be offered a traditional Full English Breakfast of muesli and soya milk. Freetrade coffee will be supplied by Mrs Starbuck, of the WI.

 

Don't miss the differently-abled tug-of-peace contest on the playing field behind the Much Culling central mosque.

 

Highlight of the morning will be a daredevil display of wheel-clamping by the intrepid members of the Mummerset Safety Camera Partnership Formation Towing-Away Team.

 

Following an intervention by the Much Binding Health and Safety Executive, the Morris Dancing has been cancelled. This is being replaced by a demonstration of basket-weaving and cottaging, brought to you by the Mummerset Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Switchboard.

 

During the luncheon interval, our out-of-town councillor Mr David Cameron will be giving a lecture in the Big Tent and showing slides from his recent holiday in Rwanda. Rotten eggs and tomatoes may be purchased at the main entrance.

 

Bargain hunters may also be interested in the savings to be made on a wide selection of secondhand luggage, on sale in the British Airways handlers tent.

 

This afternoon, in the main arena, the sheepdog trials will make way for a heart-stopping exhibition of automatic weapon drive-by shooting, courtesy of the Mummerset Massive.

 

Once again this year, the show intends to reflect the rich tapestry of the uniquely English countryside: We are proud to bring you displays of Polish country dancing and Chinese cockle-picking.

 

In place of the ploughing contest, members of the Mummerset travelling community will be giving a demonstration of the ancient art of Tarmacking.

No ox-roast this year, due to the ongoing foot and mouth opportunity, but hash cakes and nut cutlets will be available from the soft drugs stand.

Take your seats early for a thrilling re- enactment of the annual pitched battle between the Much Culling Hunt and the Mummerset Saboteurs.

 

We are grateful to Mr Gordon Brown, the new Town Clerk, for donating his genuine USA Camp David leather bomber jacket as a tombola prize.

 

The Much Culling Boy Scouts will be hosting a vegan buffet and entertaining the crowd with a selection of songs from the Gang Show 2007, including the ever-popular We're Riding Along In A Toyota Prius; before, in a thrilling climax, they are replaced on the main stage by the massed ranks of the Greater Mummerset Hoody Gangs, who will perform an organized rampage through the crowd, including impromptu muggings and freehand spray-can graffiti amongst the visitors.

 

Finally, in a spectacular finale, two junior doctors from Mummerset Cottage Hospital will drive a 4x4 into the organic beer tent and attempt to blow themselves up.

 

Visitors are reminded that the showground is a no smoking facility. Anyone that the Mummerset Thought Police consider might be even thinking about lighting up will be summarily shot dead (regardless of their actual behaviour). Visitors are also now required to sort their rubbish into seventeen different categories and use the bonsai-sized bins provided. Failure to do so will result in a criminal conviction, a fine of not less than £1,000 and having to give a DNA sample.

 

We thank you for your attendance but regret this will be the last Much Culling Agricultural Fayre, as the Mummerset County Showground has now been sold by our Council to developers for a new luxury non-secure unit for failed asylum seekers.

 

 

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Bigal - you'll be made very welcome!

 

Just bring your open mind with you and don't be one of the Englsih-Abroad types over here, who want to convert this wonderful (but different) country and culture into a clone of Britain.

 

:-D

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In the blue corner, the ruinous species known as Homo sapiens. In the Red corner, the thoughtful but misguided members of that species who are able to see further than the ends of their nose.

In between, very few people who are able to see that PC extremists wouldn’t exist were it not for the shortfalls of the majority.

We reap that which we sow.

Don’t like PC? Then don’t perpetuate a world that such types can thrive in. Simple really – but undoubtedly hardly anyone will understand.

And brilliant columnist? Well, perhaps it may appear so for most of those in the blue corner.

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crinklystarfish - 2007-10-31 11:15 PM

 

In the blue corner, the ruinous species known as Homo sapiens. In the Red corner, the thoughtful but misguided members of that species who are able to see further than the ends of their nose.

In between, very few people who are able to see that PC extremists wouldn’t exist were it not for the shortfalls of the majority.

We reap that which we sow.

Don’t like PC? Then don’t perpetuate a world that such types can thrive in. Simple really – but undoubtedly hardly anyone will understand.

And brilliant columnist? Well, perhaps it may appear so for most of those in the blue corner.

 

 

Hi Steve -

 

Understood.

 

As an aside, irony is indeed a fantastic weapon......deployed to great effect both in the OP column post and in yours too.

 

Cheers,

 

Bruce.

 

 

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michele - 2007-11-01 12:41 PM

 

You might understand I dont .

How in the hell do you get rid of them then this bloody mad PC brigade .

 

Don't fret - I understood that due to financial cutbacks, the bloody mad division of the PC Brigade is shortly to be amalgamated with the Queen's Own Wilkinson Lancers, to form a new company: The Frankly Heavy Infantry.

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Tracker - 2007-11-01 1:16 PM

 

You do all realise that by setting up a new thread we are diluting the tribute to FW thread.

 

 

NEVER!!!

 

NEVER DARE TO UTTER THOSE WORDS, YOU HERETIC!!

 

The memory of Frank is pure and wondrous, and shall not be sullied by mere minions such as you and I!

 

Get thee back to the Frank Wilkinson thread at once and contribute 5 posts there as a penance!

 

 

 

 

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Guest Tracker

Oh uncle Bruce you are such a strong leader how can I possibly refuse your kind invitation.

 

One small issue though - please do not call me a heretic when I am in fact a lunatic.

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Ah but you misunderstood my post - if you read it again you will observe that I actually referred to you as a "Tic" (a secret title for the clandestine worshippers of the Frank) - and thus my words were in fact an instruction for you to come to me:

 

"heretic"

 

I certainly would not want to instruct you to go to the moon:

 

"lunatic"

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