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To The Citizens Of The USA.


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To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,  lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

 God save the Queen.

 Only He can.

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Dear Bazza, thanks for the suggestion about returning to the Commonwealth. However I should point out that seeing as we have more US military in your country than we have anywhere else except Iraq then can we quietly suggest that YOUR country belongs to US, rather than the other way round!


As to playing soccer we are well on the way as we have the greatest player of the game playing in our league. One Mr. David beckham. We are that pleased with the way he has fitted and contributed we are willing to let you use him for the odd international. Just as a matter of interest, do all your soccer players turn up the go sick for several weeks before playing a game, then pick up several thousand pounds pay, play a game then go sick again?


His wife is also doing really well. Except she thinks we have rejoined you and she has been crowned queen! In fact that's not a bad idea for you either!


So once again thanks for thinking of us and we'll be in touch when we have worked out the plot to "Lost"!



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Dear Britain -


What a wonderful aircraft-carrier you make for our nuclear armed warplanes.


And what a quaint notion you still have for referring to yourself as "Great" Britain when, without the Marshall Plan aid at the end of World War 2 (remember, that one, when we came and bailed you out), you'd have been totally bankrupt.


And what's become of that delightful little obedient poodle....what was his name....Liar, ....Bliar, .....no,...........Blair, who was happy to tell all of you the big fat porkies that our George was telling us at the same time.

What a unique gift your Prime Ministers have for smiling like sharks, whilst at the same time lying through their teeth to the people they will then tell to go and die in a foreign soveriegn state just because Uncle George didn't like their leaders Daddy, and wants his oil.


And thanks but no thanks - we really don't want your tax system.

We get far more in real value from our small Government administration, and pay them much much less.


Over here, if you work hard and actually earn some money, almost all of it stays with you to spend on your own family.

And if you don't work hard, your boss fires you, and the state gives you very very little unless you undertake training and get another job.

A novel idea I know, but it works for us.


So on your tiny little overcrowded island you don't want to be a part of the USA; you don't want to be a part of Europe.

Maybe better just to sit there moaning and blaming anyone but yourselves whilst the rest of the World carries on without you.









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Dear Chuck, thanks for your prompt reply. Yes we do have problems with our political leaders, but you are joking here right? Have you watched the news in your country lately, JFK isn't in power anymore! Talk about "pot calling kettle"! Your "leader" struggles with even "U.S. English" never mind the real thing. Mind you your voting procedures don't stand up to the closest of scutiny anyway so perhaps you get what you vote for!


Also, to be honest we would REALLY struggle with your legal system. Not only do the courts destroy evidence after a guilty verdict, thus reducing the chances of an appeal. Many of them don't use forensic evidence as a means of proving a persons' innocence. Then there is the death penalty! Can you confirm that only China and Saudi Arabia execute more people than the US? And why is it that your courts allow the death penalty for children and people with mental health problems? Could you also confirm how many murders your system prevents as the death penalty is supposed to be a deterrent!


And what is it with all the guns! Most of the civilised world, and that includes our new bestest friends France, stopped playing cowboys and indians at about 10 years old. But not your people, oh no, being over the age of 10 just means they can now carry assault rifles and heavy calibre machine guns.


And when anyone has been shot by all those guns, they can't get medical treatment because they haven't got enough money! At least when you go into hospital here and get MRSA you won't be charged a penny.


Finally we even have the answer to all those military aircraft you mention. As true friends we are making you a gift of our latest airport to keep them in. They can then be looked after by the latest computerised loading system known to man, so you can be even later for the next world war than you were for the last 2. Don't thank us, we insist!


Laters, Gordon



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