avongas Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Just don't ask me why there's only 24, its a man thing! 1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle. 5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard. 7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. One Handed with a pencil on the ear? Superb. 12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18, TAKING OUT £500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber (or a 'quiet one with John Sams)but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. 21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?" 24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 My suggestion for #25 Posting endless, repetitive, boring blonde/women jokes. >:-( :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Are you a blonde Donna by any chance? I do understand as I live with a blonde and I have had to learn a whole new way of communicating that I never even knew existed before I met her! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Hmmm... are you sure it's just men, Spud? I seem to do everything except winking at girls :$ :D (The thick stubble's on my legs, before you ask :$ ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGD Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 'Tis only 24 now 'cos I think somewhere along the line of being forwarded around the world one of the original list got deleted. I think the missing one was about being able to enjoy lifting a buttock and farting loudly, to admiring cheers from your mates. (But maybe Ladettes do this too nowadays?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 must of been doing the rounds for some time stuart peace (forest legend no less) must of retired 10 years ago but still give me the chance to shout physco physco physco just for the hell of it you might need to be a forest fan to understand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Tracker - 2008-03-31 12:22 PM Are you a blonde Donna by any chance? I do understand as I live with a blonde and I have had to learn a whole new way of communicating that I never even knew existed before I met her! Not me Rich, Anyway the reasons most blondes are dumb, is that the average guy can't pick up an intellegant woman. >:-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tracker Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 donna miller - 2008-03-31 4:05 PM Tracker - 2008-03-31 12:22 PM Are you a blonde Donna by any chance? I do understand as I live with a blonde and I have had to learn a whole new way of communicating that I never even knew existed before I met her! Not me Rich, Anyway the reasons most blondes are dumb, is that the average guy can't pick up an intellegant woman. >:-) Oh bugger! You got me sussed then Donna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you mean intelligent or inelegant woman Donna - but I'm not saying which one I've got? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. You wished where do you think Reginald Mole got his name from Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avongas Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 "This is the story of Reginald Molehusband, married, two children, whose reverse parking was a public danger (brakes and gears crunching). People came from miles just to see it. Bets were laid on his performance. What he managed to miss at the back, he was sure to make up for at the front. Bus drivers and taxis changed their routes to avoid him. Until the day that Reginald Molehusband did it right (sound of reversing). Not too close, far enough forward... come on Reginald... and reverse in slowly... come on.... and watching traffic... (applause from watching crowd) and park perfectly! Well done Reginald Molehusband, the safest parker in town." Times have changed since then 'Chele, them parking gaps have got smaller! :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Exactly my point young man Times have changed since then 'Chele, them parking gaps have got smaller :D :D Men had no chance then what chance have they got now I mean not exactly good a putting things in little gaps are men :D :D :D Come to think of it not good at putting little things in big gaps either the toilet springs to mind :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avongas Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 I must admit, the little gaps do have me worried - I wish you ladies would appreciate the width we need. Regarding toilets, at my age, thats not the only thing that 'springs to mind', still, urinals are much more useful, no need to aim as straight there. 'Our aim is to please, your aim will help!' 8-) 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Hee hee - evryone knows why a man can't parallel park - he doesn't know the difference between 10 inches and 6 inches :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KD Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 bumped my car Saturday reversing, ive got that used to relying on my reversing sensors, I forgot about my new tow bar, fortunately I was going so slow I caused no damage to my car or the BMW I reversed into Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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