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complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police

Guest JudgeMental

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Guest JudgeMental

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry

member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written......



Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police

station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try

e-mailing you instead.


Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues

in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.


As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I

think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St

Mary's Road in Bodmin.


Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a

football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an

earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system

works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.


The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several

bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully

dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting

about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.


I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited

attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the

two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I

would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the



Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them

and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.


What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mai l with worthless

assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why

not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when

there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before

doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve

no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.


I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these

throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head

start before coming to arrest me.


I remain your obedient servant



Mr ??????,


I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems

caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered

in trying to contact the police.


As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an

offer of discussing the matter fully with you.


Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details

(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.



PC ???????

Community Beat Officer


Dear PC ?


First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

original e-mail.


16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station,

and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for

inclusion in his next book.


Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat



May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?


In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent , I have never

seen you.


Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the

gang itself?


Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one

with a chin like a wash hand basin?


It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.


Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in

Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care

and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words

of no more than two syllables at a time) to these idiots that they might want

to play their strange football game elsewhere.


The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within

spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.


Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to

contact me on If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll

buy you a large one in the CAt and Fiddle Pub.





P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't

work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

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Awful, but I live in Exeter, Devon and have a completely different experience of the police and their work. It is therefore probably the post code lottery again and I feel very sorry for anyone subjected to such anti social behaviour.

It is a sad fact that sometimes the police get very little support and in this case if the youths are local someone must know who they are. What about a neighbourhood watch arrangement, I think they work very well and help to monitor what is happening in the area.

All very well but if the police do not respond or are not accessible then that is just unacceptable:'(

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