Time for a few more laughs!

[Guest Tracker]

 

> Subject: Irish Blonde

> An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She

> seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a

> single roll of the dice.

>

> She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm

> Completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled

> The dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs

> new clothes!'

>

> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and

> squealed...'YES!

> YES! I WON, I WON!'

>

> She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her

> clothes and quickly departed.

>

> The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them

> Asked, 'What did she roll?'

> The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

 

> MORAL OF THE STORY -

 

> Not all Irish are drunks,

 

> Not all blondes are dumb,

 

> But men...are men.

[Guest Tracker]

 

 

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 

 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

 

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

 

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

 

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary , that cute little blonde

waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

 

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89

years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'

 

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

 

[Guest Tracker]

 

 

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

 

 

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

 

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

 

1st woman: I froze to death

 

2nd woman: How horrible!

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

 

 

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we' d both still be alive.

 

 

[Guest Tracker]

 

 

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

 

I had Lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is Engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been

Married For 20+ years.

 

We were chatting about our relationships and decided

To amaze our men by Greeting them at the door

Wearing a black bra, Stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed To meet in a few days to exchange notes.

 

Here's How it all went.

 

My engaged Friend:

 

The other night when my boyfriend came

Over he Found me with a black leather bodice, tall

Stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are

The woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made

Passionate love all Night long.

 

 

The Mistress:

 

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was

Wearing a Raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels

And Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat

He didn't say a word, But he started to tremble and

We had wild sex all Night.

 

 

Then I had to share my Story:

 

When my husband came home I Was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos And a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door And saw me he

said,

 

 

 

"What's for Dinner,Batman?"

 

 

 

[Guest Tracker]

 

 

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BUGGER

 

I've forgotten what it was....

 

[Guest Tracker]

 

The Irish Millionaire.

 

Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on

'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'

and towards the end of the program

had already won 500,000 pounds.

 

"You've done very well so far,"

said Chris Tarrant,

the show's presenter,

"but for a million pounds

you've only got one life-line left –

phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question.....

will you go for it?"

 

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

 

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

 

a) Sparrow

 

b) Thrush,

 

c) Magpie,

 

d) Cuckoo?"

 

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

 

''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

 

"Flippin heck, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......

It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

 

"of course I'm flippin sure."

 

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,

"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

 

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

 

"Dat it is, Sir."

 

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!

 

Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

 

The next night,

Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

 

"Tell me, Paddy?

How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

 

"Because he lives in a Flippin clock!"

 

[Guest Tracker]

 

After 40 years of marriage...

 

 

 

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding

anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For

 

being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other

for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

 

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling

husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the

 

Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

 

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an

opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish

is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

 

 

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but… a wish is a wish…

 

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years

old.

 

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember

 

fairies are female.....

 

 

[maggyd]

Very funny Rich :-D but I found it even funnier that you werent getting any feedback!!! LOL LOL. (lol)

 

He,s one very clean

 

 

Duck goes into a bar and asks the bar man " Got Any bread??

 

Bar Man "NO

 

duck "got any bread ?

 

bar man "no"

 

duck "got any bread ?

 

bar man " NO

 

duck " got any bread"

 

barman " No. We haven t got any sodding bread ! ask me again

and Ill nail your beak to the bar , you irritating b+stard of a bird"

 

duck "Got Any nails!?

 

Barman "NO

 

duck ................. "Got any bread then??

 

 

 

 

[Guest Tracker]

Talking of ducks - here is another quackpot joke.

 

Three ducks went into a bar and ordered a Ducks Fizz each (like a Bucks Fizz only they makes you waddle after a couple of 'em).

 

The barman was surprised but trade is trade and he began to make conversation.

 

What's your name he asked the first duck.

 

I'm Hughey said the duck.

 

And what have you been doing on this fine wet rainy day young Hughey.

 

I've had a wonderful day said Hughey - I've been in and out of puddles all day long.

 

And what's your name little friend he asked the second duck.

 

I'm Louis said the duck and I too have had a wonderful day in and out of puddles.

 

At which point the third duck added - my name is Puddles and don't even think of asking what sort of day I've had!

[avongas]

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

[Guest Tracker]

Which reminds me - -

 

Man walks into a chemist and asks for deodorant.

 

Chemist says ball or aerosol.

 

Man says neither - just underarms please.

[Mel B]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, We fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

Not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

 

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this..... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of al cohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

[Mel B]

Children writing about the ocean:

 

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6)

 

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

 

3)- If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island

 

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

 

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

 

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.(Millie, age 6)

 

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.(William, age 7)

 

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

 

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

 

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

 

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

 

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

 

13)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

 

14)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.

(James, age 7)

 

15) - If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne , age 7)