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The New 2012 Car of the Year


Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women, which should be far less susceptible to theft.



They’re mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."



The average male thief won't be able to find it, let alone perate the darned thing.







I failed a Health and Safety course today.


One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"


"Bloody great big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.






I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone as you have to be in Cahoots with someone.


I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.


I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.


I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump or be drawn, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.


One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart !



But one place I don’t ever want to be is in Continent.






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A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.



He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.


Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.


'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'


The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.


Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'


The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.


The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.


'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?


'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

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The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."



When I was in the pub I heard a couple of d**kheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twits. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!




Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the ass in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.



Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!



A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."



Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"



Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.



19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."



An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.


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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.





My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am? !

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.






The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.






Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.






Two friends are fishing near a bridge.

Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.

When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "

Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "






Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."

"**** that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"






Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!






I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.









Spent £40 on eBay last week for a willy enlarger.

Just opened it and some b*****d's sent me a magnifying glass!






I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.






What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.






An old lady is being examined by the doctor.

He asks "Have you ever been bedridden?"

She says "Yes, by my first husband."






A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.

He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.






I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said "I would like to come back as a cow."

I said "You're obviously not bloody listening."






Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.

It's called a wedding cake.






I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you."

She said "Is that you or the beer talking ?"

I replied "It's me talking. , , , , , , , , , , to the beer."






The wife has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back


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Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.


I woke this morning with a huge correction.





The wife suggested I get myself one of those willy enlargers ....... so I did....


she's 21 and her name's Lucy






My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.


I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face.







I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names

at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.






My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's matches,


his little face lit up when he tried to walk..


Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.






I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.


All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'







Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!



Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,

'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*****d, I was talking to the cat!'





I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.


I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


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Raisin Bread



A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.



Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.



"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.


The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.


The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.


When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.



As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.



After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"



Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.


Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.


Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,

"Is it raisin for you too?"


"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."



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Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.


"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"


I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"


Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."


"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"


I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.


"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)


"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).


"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.


"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)


By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.


"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.

"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."


"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.


"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)


We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.


"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.


"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.


"Do something, Dad!" my son urged..


"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.


"Should I call 999?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)


"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.


We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.


"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)


The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.


"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.


"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.


"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.


Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."




"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er..... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.


"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.


"So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.


"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.


More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.


"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.


"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.


"That's enough," I warned.


We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.


"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.


"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


2 - Hamsters - £20...


1 - Cage - £50...

Trip to the Vet ...£30...


Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's dick........Priceless!




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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password.


Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.


The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.


So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....

P... E... N... I... S...


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:





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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:


"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."


The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"


The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."


The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.


A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:


"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."


The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:


"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.


He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"


He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"



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with apologies to the Irish




The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.



My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never

come back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff



The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, " Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."



Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.

The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I can't put a name to it."

The second picks it up & says, "You daft ba$t*rd it's me!



Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.

"It should be round your neck," says the guard.

"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."



Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.

Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.

He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"

"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.

"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"



Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,

“Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it ?" Moshe burst into tears.


"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem ?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!


"But enough about me, how's your day going (?) (?)

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This is alarming!



Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 6 pints of beer within a one (1) hour period.



It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,

yes, 100% of all these men :


1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.


That proved it !

No further testing was considered necessary.


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