Fifty Shades of Grey

[Guest Peter James]

 

My missus bought a paperback

In Asda, Saturday.

I had a look inside the bag -

'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

 

Well I just left her to it, see,

And went off up to bed.

An hour later, she appeared

Oh, the sight filled me with dread.

 

In her hand she held a rope,

The other, held a whip.

She brandished them around a bit

And then began to strip.

 

Well, forty years ago

I might have had a peek.

But Doris hasn't weathered well -

She's sixty-eight next week.

 

Watching Doris bump and grind

Couldn't be much grimmer.

And things progressed from bad to worse -

She toppled off her Zimmer .

 

She struggled back up to her feet

A good half hour later,

Put her teeth back in and said

That I must dominate her.

 

Now if you knew our Doris, see,

You'd know just why I cringed.

I'd been two months in traction, 'cos

My hips and knees unhinged.

 

She stood there nude. All naked, like,

Bent forward quite a bit

and, jumping back in fright, I went

And stood on her left t * t.

 

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,

My word. What HAD I done ?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out

"Step on the OTHER one"

 

Well reader, I can tell no more

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

 

Black and blue, battered too,

With wanton, wild perversion,

We decided that a night of sin

Was scarce worth such exertion.

 

Thank Heavens she has binned the book

And peace reigns, like before.

She's head to toe in winceyette

And back to back, we snore.