Bored in retirement

[flicka]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Asda.

 

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Asda:

 

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

 

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

 

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

 

And last, but not least:

 

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

 

One of the Staff passed out.

 

[colin]

The trouble with modding american posts is Walmart and Asda whilst being the same company sell slightly differant products. So it would be nice to be able to nip into the Asda inn Biggleswade and pick up a new assault rifle, but doubt it will ever happen :D

[CliveH]

Oh I can so empathise with that Flicka

 

I personally get SWMBO moving when she is in the likes of M&S's knicker department (where she used to spend HOURS) looking by holding them against myself and asking her if she likes them.

 

I get "that look" and we leave pronto.

 

Works every time.

 

I have got the odd funny look from one of the security men tho' - so you have to be careful 8-)

 

 

 

[nowtelse2do]

Drives you bloody crazy. First thing in the morning sitting quietly looking though the window having my tea and toast.

 

Her, " looks like a good day for a bit (she means a lot) of gardening"

Me, "Why"

Her, "It's untidy and summer bulbs want planting"

Me, " I'll plant concrete all over it, won't need doing again, easy maintenance"

 

So from coming out the bathroom having breakfast 30-40 minutes later this is all I hear, gardening.

 

Hearing aids have been turn down low. Damn..!! she's noticed. "Turn your hearing aids up"

 

Her, "Need to go shopping"

Me, " Why"

Her " We have nothing in" ( we went shopping 3 days ago, freezer still three quarters full, fridge half full)

Me, " You have a bus pass"

Her, " If you think I'm carrying bags up that road (it's only a 1 in 8. M/H does it easy) you've another think coming"

Me, (Under breath, "Yes Norah")

 

After about a hour and a half talking gardens and bloody shopping, Yes Jon......I'm well and truly bored.

 

But I have a good bit of therapy coming up. 23rd of May I'm off around central Europe with the TR for 16 days on my own, hope I break down 2 days before the end and the car's off the road for a week somewhere in the Alsace :-D

 

Dave

[CliveH]

"23rd of May I'm off around central Europe with the TR for 16 days on my own"

 

How the heck did you manage that?

 

I'm impressed!!

:-D

[nowtelse2do]

CliveH - 2013-04-18 10:15 PM

 

"23rd of May I'm off around central Europe with the TR for 16 days on my own"

 

How the heck did you manage that?

 

I'm impressed!!

:-D

 

I promised her we would go back to Austria in M/H in August for two or three weeks. The things us blokes have to do to keep the peace. *-) :D :D :D

 

Dave

[Barryd999]

nowtelse2do - 2013-04-18 9:58 PM

 

Drives you bloody crazy. First thing in the morning sitting quietly looking though the window having my tea and toast.

 

Her, " looks like a good day for a bit (she means a lot) of gardening"

Me, "Why"

Her, "It's untidy and summer bulbs want planting"

Me, " I'll plant concrete all over it, won't need doing again, easy maintenance"

 

So from coming out the bathroom having breakfast 30-40 minutes later this is all I hear, gardening.

 

Hearing aids have been turn down low. Damn..!! she's noticed. "Turn your hearing aids up"

 

Her, "Need to go shopping"

Me, " Why"

Her " We have nothing in" ( we went shopping 3 days ago, freezer still three quarters full, fridge half full)

Me, " You have a bus pass"

Her, " If you think I'm carrying bags up that road (it's only a 1 in 8. M/H does it easy) you've another think coming"

Me, (Under breath, "Yes Norah")

 

After about a hour and a half talking gardens and bloody shopping, Yes Jon......I'm well and truly bored.

 

But I have a good bit of therapy coming up. 23rd of May I'm off around central Europe with the TR for 16 days on my own, hope I break down 2 days before the end and the car's off the road for a week somewhere in the Alsace :-D

 

Dave

 

Nice one! I managed to blag a free holiday in Tenerife in January in a really swish time share that the owner (my customer) couldnt attend. Sadly the books needed doing for the tax return so Mrs D had to stay at home! (lol)

[nowtelse2do]

Barry, I'm under no illusions that somewhere along the line I'm going to pay for it. Either withdrawal of favours 8-) or the savage use of the debit card. :'( :-D :-D

 

Dave

[Guest 1footinthegrave]

nowtelse2do - 2013-04-18 10:32 PM

 

CliveH - 2013-04-18 10:15 PM

 

"23rd of May I'm off around central Europe with the TR for 16 days on my own"

 

How the heck did you manage that?

 

I'm impressed!!

:-D

 

I promised her we would go back to Austria in M/H in August for two or three weeks. The things us blokes have to do to keep the peace. *-) :D :D :D

 

Dave

 

Sounds like you got a raw deal to me, ;-) sorry got to go now, the washing up beckons. :D

[flicka]

1footinthegrave - 2013-04-19 7:12 PM

sorry got to go now, the washing up beckons. :D

 

I;ve just got away from kitchen sink, now got to start on the bed chnage GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR >:-(

[Guest pelmetman]

nowtelse2do - 2013-04-19 3:28 PM

 

Barry, I'm under no illusions that somewhere along the line I'm going to pay for it. Either withdrawal of favours 8-) or the savage use of the debit card. :'( :-D :-D

 

Dave

 

You let your Mrs have a debit card? 8-) 8-)

[Mel B]

flicka, that's nowt compared to what I have to put up with when we go shopping at Tesco! I end up putting the shopping in the car whilst hubby has a mooch round the shopping trolleys and bins looking for discarded receipts where people haven't got a clubcard, hubby then gets the points put on our clubcards! Don't get me wrong, he can soon collect a lot of points that way, but it is bl**dy embarrassing when others look at him as if he's desperate 'cause he's looking in bins!!! :D 8-) (lol)

[Guest 1footinthegrave]

Mel B - 2013-04-19 10:28 PM

 

flicka, that's nowt compared to what I have to put up with when we go shopping at Tesco! I end up putting the shopping in the car whilst hubby has a mooch round the shopping trolleys and bins looking for discarded receipts where people haven't got a clubcard, hubby then gets the points put on our clubcards! Don't get me wrong, he can soon collect a lot of points that way, but it is bl**dy embarrassing when others look at him as if he's desperate 'cause he's looking in bins!!! :D 8-) (lol)

 

Tell him not to overlook cans in the bins, I'm told you can get a penny each for them, every little helps. :-S

[Guest pelmetman]

1footinthegrave - 2013-04-20 5:13 AM

 

Mel B - 2013-04-19 10:28 PM

 

flicka, that's nowt compared to what I have to put up with when we go shopping at Tesco! I end up putting the shopping in the car whilst hubby has a mooch round the shopping trolleys and bins looking for discarded receipts where people haven't got a clubcard, hubby then gets the points put on our clubcards! Don't get me wrong, he can soon collect a lot of points that way, but it is bl**dy embarrassing when others look at him as if he's desperate 'cause he's looking in bins!!! :D 8-) (lol)

 

Tell him not to overlook cans in the bins, I'm told you can get a penny each for them, every little helps. :-S

 

Posting at 5.13 am Mike? ;-) ........................don't you retired people have nothing better to do at that time of day (lol) (lol)

[Guest 1footinthegrave]

pelmetman - 2013-04-20 7:52 AM

 

1footinthegrave - 2013-04-20 5:13 AM

 

Mel B - 2013-04-19 10:28 PM

 

flicka, that's nowt compared to what I have to put up with when we go shopping at Tesco! I end up putting the shopping in the car whilst hubby has a mooch round the shopping trolleys and bins looking for discarded receipts where people haven't got a clubcard, hubby then gets the points put on our clubcards! Don't get me wrong, he can soon collect a lot of points that way, but it is bl**dy embarrassing when others look at him as if he's desperate 'cause he's looking in bins!!! :D 8-) (lol)

 

Tell him not to overlook cans in the bins, I'm told you can get a penny each for them, every little helps. :-S

 

Posting at 5.13 am Mike? ;-) ........................don't you retired people have nothing better to do at that time of day (lol) (lol)

 

Just been out sifting through Tesco bins,after reading about the discarded Tesco receipts, much less embarrassing at that time of day. :D picked up a half eaten sandwich for breakfast as well 8-)

[Guest pelmetman]

1footinthegrave - 2013-04-20 8:32 AM

 

pelmetman - 2013-04-20 7:52 AM

 

1footinthegrave - 2013-04-20 5:13 AM

 

Mel B - 2013-04-19 10:28 PM

 

flicka, that's nowt compared to what I have to put up with when we go shopping at Tesco! I end up putting the shopping in the car whilst hubby has a mooch round the shopping trolleys and bins looking for discarded receipts where people haven't got a clubcard, hubby then gets the points put on our clubcards! Don't get me wrong, he can soon collect a lot of points that way, but it is bl**dy embarrassing when others look at him as if he's desperate 'cause he's looking in bins!!! :D 8-) (lol)

 

Tell him not to overlook cans in the bins, I'm told you can get a penny each for them, every little helps. :-S

 

Posting at 5.13 am Mike? ;-) ........................don't you retired people have nothing better to do at that time of day (lol) (lol)

 

Just been out sifting through Tesco bins,after reading about the discarded Tesco receipts, much less embarrassing at that time of day. :D picked up a half eaten sandwich for breakfast as well 8-)

 

(lol) (lol) (lol)................................

 

Although Sue said...."I didn't know that".......guess what we'll be doing next trip to Tesco :$..............I fear I've got competition as the resident tightwad..................from Mel's OH 8-)

[nowtelse2do]

pelmetman - 2013-04-19 9:57 PM

 

You let your Mrs have a debit card? 8-) 8-)

 

Is that bad, have I made a mistake somewhere ? She said she liked the colour of my card and could she have one :-( Oh well, back to the shopping list.........must get...

 

Pkt of wild flower seeds

Slug pellets for men...!!!!! wonder why she wants them 8-) must be to dangerous for women to use. Yeah, that's it.

Liquid Surf...I prefer that than the powder stuff...clogs up the water filler.

I think I need a new ironing board so will check them out, the new ones have some lovely patterns on them haven't they :$

 

Better get a move on or I'll be to late back to start getting lunch ready.

 

Good job It's a mans world, they wouldn't know how to manage *-)

 

Dave :-S

[Guest 1footinthegrave]

As a group I don't think they can be trusted, very often I can't find my pants or socks, and I have no idea what she does with them. :D

 

Being dragged off to the boot sale tomorrow, no doubt for her to buy someone else's crap. :-S I only buy the good quality gear there.

[Guest pelmetman]

nowtelse2do - 2013-04-20 10:52 AM

 

pelmetman - 2013-04-19 9:57 PM

 

You let your Mrs have a debit card? 8-) 8-)

 

Is that bad, have I made a mistake somewhere ? She said she liked the colour of my card and could she have one :-(

 

I found the best way to save money was to move to a village with no shops :D...................It only works though if they can't drive and there's no buses ;-)