How it all started

[donna miller]

I was talking to our IT guy on Friday (you'll remember him from the screen cleaning link) and I asked him where this internet thing actually started.

What he told me will amaze you.

 

How the Internet started.

 

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

 

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

 

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

 

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

 

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

 

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

 

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

 

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

 

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

 

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

 

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.

 

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

 

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

 

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

 

 

 

 

And that's the truth !! :D :D

[Tracker]

 

 

 

 

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

 

 

 

The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

 

Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

 

'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

 

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

 

 

The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a nice bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

 

[pkc]

 

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke..

 

I was at my bank today; there was a short queue. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It

was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

 

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo

yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

 

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady

says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

[donna miller]

While in China, a prominant northern businessman is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

 

A week after arriving back home in the UK, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

 

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

 

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the Uk , we know very little about it.”

 

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

 

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

 

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

 

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

 

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My private doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

 

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid docttahs, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

 

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

 

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!!!!”

[PJay]

Donna

 

Do you get any work done in your office????

 

Keep them coming

[donna miller]

Sorry, I came home in between visiting people and had nothing to do for a couple of hours. :$

[donna miller]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes :

Dear Grand-daughter,

 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ....

 

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting ....

 

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

 

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

 

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

 

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

 

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

 

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

 

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

 

Everyone started honking!

 

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people

 

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

 

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

 

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

 

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

 

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

 

My grandson burst out laughing.

 

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience !!

 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

 

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

 

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

 

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

 

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

 

Will write again soon,

 

Love,

Grandma

[laimeduck]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

 

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

 

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and

developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the

temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

 

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked

his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most

exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

 

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

 

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their

car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,

turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

 

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he

offered them $3 million for the patent.

 

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they

wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,'

on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

 

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was

no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

 

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4

million and that just their first names would be shown.

 

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

 

 

 

 

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.