Jump to content
Hello and welcome to our new forums! Existing users click here to access your account

On a lighter note

donna miller

By donna miller
in Chatterbox

Recommended Posts

donna miller Veteran

donna miller

Posted
Posted

Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

 

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband and, understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

 

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to f**k off.

 

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

 

God bless you all.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Ella.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
laimeduck Grand Master

laimeduck

Posted
Posted

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect,lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately.

 

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.

 

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

 

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
laimeduck Grand Master

laimeduck

Posted
Posted

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint (as they do!)

 

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

 

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

 

A benevolent crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

 

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the gum tree where the koala was sitting finishing another joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

 

'Hey Koala!'

 

The koala looked down at him and said,

 

'B***er me....

 

How much water did you drink!?'

Link to comment
Share on other sites
bob b Mentor

bob b

Posted
Posted

Man Rules

  • Men are not mind readers.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. JUST SAY IT!
  • Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is not admissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If you think your fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  • If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  • You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercial breaks.
  • Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
  • All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach, for example is a fruit, not a colour. Avocado is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
  • If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  • If you ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine....really.
  • Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • I am in shape. Round is a shape! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest pelmetman

Guest pelmetman

Posted
Posted
My mate Sigmund Freud would say that's a post menopausal post....... indicative of a need for concrete proposals...............from a bit of rough:D  
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest pelmetman

Guest pelmetman

Posted
Posted
peter - 2013-09-20 9:16 PM

 

Are you offering Dave?, as they don't come rougher than you do they?. :D

 

Me?............Rough? 8-)...............no.... I'm far to delicate a creature to be rough ;-)...............especially at the moment :-S...............I was thinking more North West towards the badlands of Uddersfield ;-) ..........where men are men.......... and hang about on roof tops..........whistling at ladies....

 

 

 

 

 

until the police have passed so they can lower down the lead :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites
antony1969 Grand Master

antony1969

Posted
Posted
pelmetman - 2013-09-20 11:37 PM

 

peter - 2013-09-20 9:16 PM

 

Are you offering Dave?, as they don't come rougher than you do they?. :D

 

Me?............Rough? 8-)...............no.... I'm far to delicate a creature to be rough ;-)...............especially at the moment :-S...............I was thinking more North West towards the badlands of Uddersfield ;-) ..........where men are men.......... and hang about on roof tops..........whistling at ladies....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

until the police have passed so they can lower down the lead :D

 

 

All true Dave other than whistling at ladies . If you have visited the pits of Huddersfield looking for love you soon realise why sheep pregnancy rates are so high !

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest pelmetman

Guest pelmetman

Posted
Posted
antony1969 - 2013-09-23 7:00 PM

 

pelmetman - 2013-09-20 11:37 PM

 

peter - 2013-09-20 9:16 PM

 

Are you offering Dave?, as they don't come rougher than you do they?. :D

 

Me?............Rough? 8-)...............no.... I'm far to delicate a creature to be rough ;-)...............especially at the moment :-S...............I was thinking more North West towards the badlands of Uddersfield ;-) ..........where men are men.......... and hang about on roof tops..........whistling at ladies....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

until the police have passed so they can lower down the lead :D

 

 

All true Dave other than whistling at ladies . If you have visited the pits of Huddersfield looking for love you soon realise why sheep pregnancy rates are so high !

 

Baaaaaaaaa.............humbug :D............ger 8-)

Link to comment
Share on other sites
donna miller Veteran

donna miller

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Halfway through my shift at Boots yesterday, a guy came in to pick up some photo that he'd taken of his naked wife. Naturally, I had a little peek at them as I handed them over. "Would you like the negatives?" I asked.

"Yes please," he said sheepishly.

I said, "ok then, your wife's got saggy tits, a fat arse and she should maybe think about giving that bush of hers a good trim."

Link to comment
Share on other sites
laimeduck Grand Master

laimeduck

Posted
Posted

SCOTTISH LOVE STORY

 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

 

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.

 

There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his

devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that

he left this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone

at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly

smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon!

 

 

"Get aff!" she said, "They're for the funeral"

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Tracker Grand Master

Tracker

Posted
Posted

 

The Italian Mistress

 

 

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

 

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

 

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

 

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large bank accounts.

But the decision is of course all yours."

 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

 

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

 

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
bob b Mentor

bob b

Posted
Posted

Eating in the UK in 1950's

  • Pasta had not been invented.
  • Curry was a surname.
  • A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
  • A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
  • Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
  • All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
  • A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
  • Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
  • A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
  • Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
  • Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
  • Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
  • Coffee was camp, and came in a bottle.
  • Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
  • Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
  • Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
  • None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
  • Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
  • People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
  • Indian restaurants were only found in India.
  • Cooking outside was called camping.
  • Seaweed was not a recognised food.
  • 'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.
  • Prunes were medicinal.
  • Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
  • Water came out of a tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock.
  • The only thing that we never had on our tables in the fifties.....was elbows!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
nowtelse2do Grand Master

nowtelse2do

Posted
Posted

I can remember the last one bob painfully, a good clip round the ear and having to ask "please may I leave the table"

 

If there was anything left on my plate I was reminded that there was nothing more until the next eating time and would I like to consider finishing off what I was about to leave :-(

 

Dave

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
flicka Grand Master

flicka

Posted
Posted

"A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

 

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

 

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

 

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

 

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

 

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Link to comment
Share on other sites
laimeduck Grand Master

laimeduck

Posted
Posted

53,000 Irishmen meet in Dublin for an ``Irishmen Are Not Stupid`` convention.

The Prime Minister addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Irishmen are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Paddy Maginty gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The Prime Minister asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 15 or 20 seconds Paddy says, ' Forty!'

 

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then a dozen or so Irishmen start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

The Prime Minister says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds Paddy eventually says, ' Twelve?'

 

The Prime Minister looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Paddy starts crying.

But then the 100 or so Irishmen begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

The Prime Minister, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Paddy closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

 

 

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Irish crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

 

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...