Corky 8 Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Borrowed from facebook.True story reported by an British guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test. The British guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the t...ime he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart... The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the British guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.' 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.' Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'? The Brit, with a grin on his face, replies; 'Do you understand that I'm British, like my car, which is right-hand-drive, and that my wife is actually sitting in the other seat, which is the one behind the steering wheel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 pences but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malc d Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Tracker - 2013-10-27 4:14 PM A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 pences but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..' I'm sure I saw that one on this forum earlier today. ( or maybe it's because I put the clocks back ) :-| Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laimeduck Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 malc d - 2013-10-27 4:44 PM Tracker - 2013-10-27 4:14 PM A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10 pence coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 pences but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..' I'm sure I saw that one on this forum earlier today. ( or maybe it's because I put the clocks back ) :-| You did, but I don't mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 So that makes four times does it? Sorry but I didn't see the first one as it didn't show on my list of new postings! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patricia Posted October 27, 2013 Share Posted October 27, 2013 Corky - I think I laughed more at yours - but both were funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retread24800 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: So, how are things in Hell? Satan replies: Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. What! God exclaims: You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me. Not a chance, Satan replies, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him! God insists: Send him back or I'll sue! Satan laughs uproariously and answers: Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teflon2 Posted October 29, 2013 Share Posted October 29, 2013 A blonde on an aircraft flying to Toronto leaves her coach seat and moves to 1st class the stewardess tells her she must return to her allocated seat as she's not allowed in 1st class. Her reply I'm blonde beautiful and going to Toronto I'm staying here, the stewardess goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot's what is happening and the co pilot goes back and tells the blonde to move back to her correct seat she once again says I'm blonde beautiful and going to Toronto I'm staying here the co pilot in defeat returns to the cockpit and tell the captain she wont move who says I'm married to a blonde I speak blonde I'll get her to move he goes back whispers in her ear and she says sorry and returns to her seat in coach. The crew amazed ask him what he said to her and he replies I just told her that 1st class isn't going to Toronto! John *-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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