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Seasonal Advice


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About this time of the year, older taxpayers in the UK will again be

receiving another 'Winter Fuel'

payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it

by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?

A. It is money that the government will give to taxpayers


Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it


Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity

or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by

spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:


* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to

Gibraltar, Ireland and Luxembourg


*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein


*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Switzerland.


* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China .


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya , Spain , or

Morocco .


* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Romania or Bulgaria


* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea


* If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany


* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to

management bonuses and they will hide it offshore


Instead, keep the money in the UK by:


1. Spending it at car boot sales


2. Going to night clubs


3. Spending it on call girls


4. Buying cider, beer or scotch


5. Getting yourself a Tattoo


6. Visiting a bookie


(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )




Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot

sale and drink beer all day and night! It's the patriotic thing to do.


No need to thank me... Just glad I could be of help.



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Guest pelmetman

I'll be spending Sue's in Spain B-) .........


Although I might let her keep the £10 Christmas bonus .........




Tyson Fury





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The old ones are still the best ones Rich......Here's another Seasonal Advice especially for all inquisitive males. I was going to give a warning about not trying this at home but then thought if you tried it out anywhere else you'd be locked up.....and if you did try it out you'd deserved to be locked up. :-D








Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Suzann. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.


The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??


WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Suzann what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Nigella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.


I must admit I thought about zapping Nigella (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.


Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.


The directions said that:


a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;


a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and


a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.


I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.


I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...




I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,

one note of caution:


There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.


· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.


· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.


· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.


· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.


· I had no control over the drooling.


· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.


· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.


I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!


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You have a good point there derek.....why put myself out of a job ;-)


So I've decided to aim a bit lower, but not to low and buy her something less dangerous.




Today I bought her a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle from a charity shop.


When she started to do it she said the 'first' piece was missing.


Bloody Women..!!!!! they've no logic, I'll never understand them.


Why can't they start with the "last" piece?




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Patty tried her best. I wonder if she is still with us.






Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees


DATE: November 1, 2015


RE: Gala Christmas Party



I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.


There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.


This gathering is only for employees!


Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!


Merry Christmas to you and your family,








Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees


DATE: November 2, 2015


RE: Gala Holiday Party



In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.


However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.


There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.


We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.


Happy now?


Happy Holidays to you and your family,








Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All Employees


DATE: November 3, 2015


RE: Holiday Party



Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...


I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?




And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.










Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


To: All Employees


DATE: November 4, 2015


RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.


There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?


Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.


Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.


Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.


To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.


We will have booster seats for short people.


Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.


I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.


There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!


Did I miss anything?!?!?








Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director


TO: All F*%^ing Employees


DATE: November 5, 2015


RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party




I've had it with you vegetarian pr*cks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.


But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!


The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my **ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!


Drive drunk and die,



The B*tch from H*ll!!!






Company Memo



FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


DATE: November 6, 2015


RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party



I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.


In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.



Happy Whatever!




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