Five Parrots

[Tracker]

 

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school they rediscover each other via social media and arrange to meet for lunch.

 

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Chardonnay with three glasses.

 

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

 

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.

 

They all hug and she too shares the wine.

 

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school and they have a second home in the Algarve.

 

 

Sue relates that she graduated in Medicine from Cambridge University, and became a thoracic surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in Esher in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Tuscany.

 

 

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect penis.

 

 

 

Several hours later, after the third bottle of Chardonnay, Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people’s home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.

 

 

 

Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

 

[derek pringle]

hi Tracker,

nice one, keep them coming

cheers

derek

[Tracker]

Very sadly our neighbour's dog died recently and they were bereft.

 

All is now well as they have just rescued a lovely little Jack Russell puppy.

 

Cute little chap, mostly brown and black but with the odd white patch and they have named him

 

 

 

 

 

Bradford.

[laimeduck]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

[derek pringle]

hi,

not being a joke teller myself this really is my sort of thread ha

derek

[Will H]

I pass unless its in rhyme

[Tracker]

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

 

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

 

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC MARK

 

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

 

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

 

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .

 

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

 

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE

 

26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.

 

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED, BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

 

HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY" :-

 

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

 

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD, BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

 

HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY,

 

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?!

 

 

 

YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

[laimeduck]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

 

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

 

On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket,

and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane ?'

 

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry

the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

 

On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely

widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

 

The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

 

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

 

[nowtelse2do]

Just trying to redeem myself Rich :-D

 

 

Subject: Teacher Arrested

 

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.

 

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.

 

At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

 

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.”

 

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Jeremy Corbyn said: “If God wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes!”

 

[Tracker]

nowtelse2do - 2016-01-29 6:28 PM

 

Just trying to redeem myself Rich :-D

 

 

Keep going Dave - you've still got a bloomin' long way to go yet!