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NHS Cutbacks - the reality.


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> After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.


> The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.


> The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.


> A less costly alternative was to go home, get a very large firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.


> The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'


> 'Trust me, I'm a Doctor, it WILL do the job', said the doctor.


> So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.


> He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.


> This procedure also works in many other parts of the UK but it would be impolite to list them all here!

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And now for something completely different!




Jenny is a lovely 25 year old who fell in love with and marries a much older man.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and John should have separate bedrooms,

because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.


After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is John, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, John takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.


After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's John, Again he is ready for more 'action'.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, John kisses his bride, bids her a

fond good night and leaves.


She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - John is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a

25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.


But as John gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can

perform so well and s o often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.

You are truly a great lover, John..'


John, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'


The moral of the story:


Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.



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Not one for the male chauvinists amongst us!




After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.


'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.


It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'


And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.


'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.. I will fix it up right away..'


And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.


Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.


'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'


'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'


God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.


Let's see.... now where did I put that useless spare tit?'




Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?




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