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disaster in Barnsley


An Appeal for Your Help






A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Epicentre: Barnsley, England.


News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town’s 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “fookinhell” and “choffin-norah”.


The earthquake decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed.


Many locals were woken up well before their Giro arrived. Radio Barnsley reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Barnsley.


One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning”.


Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.


So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.





Can You Help....?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing

for the victims of this disaster.



Clothing is needed most of all, especially:




· Fila or Burberry baseball caps




· Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)




· Shell suits (female)




· White sports socks




· Rock-Fort boots or any other product sold in Primark


Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference.

Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.


Please do not give anything that requires peeling.






· 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims




· £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9




· £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child’s nerves


Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells


Please do not send tents for shelter.

The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding South Yorkshire communities.





This is a joke Guys




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Guest Frank Wilkinson

OK Michele, you're now deserving of some Essex Girl jokes!

I'll start with the Essex girl who took back a scarf to the shop because it was too tight!

I may be from Lancashire but insult one Northener and you insult us all!

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---: Thank you for shopping at Tesco!!!


its amazing what Tesco can do these days


One day, leaning on the

bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better

see a Doctor!" Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,"

Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.






Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong,

and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a

lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".




So Jack collects a urine

sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and

the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.




He pours the sample into

the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

activity. It will improve in two weeks". That evening while thinking

how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer

could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,

urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into

the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check

what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and

awaits the results.






The computer printed the following:


1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.


2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet


3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.


4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.


5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.


6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get





Thank you for shopping

at Tesco.























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Guest Frank Wilkinson
howardtcz - 2006-12-11 11:24 PM Hope you know what your taking on Frank. Think of Camamity Jane meets Lucille Ball with attitude.

Why are you comparing me to two women darling? I prefer to think of myself as a cross between Victor Meldrew and Jeremy Paxman.

Just to show that I'm not really regionally biased, what do you call a Yorkshireman who has more than five sheep?

A pimp!

Mods - Feel free to delete this if it's too rude!

Off now to London for a whole day so you'll have some peace! Isn't it somewhere near that Essex?

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Glad to see you have a sense of humour when it comes to regional gags Frank. Some people can get very touchy when it comes to this subject and i,ve learned to stay clear of this type of joke.

Calamity Jane and Lucille Ball was not directed at you, and as for calling me "darling", you can cut that out as we haven,t even been formally intro

duced yet.

We called in our local Londis store last night, and while the wife done the shopping I got talking to Azzi the owner. I complimented him on the Christmas decorations as he had really gone to town both inside and out and the only thing missing was the Nativity Scene. Maybe he was afraid of causing offence to some of his customers and was playing safe.

Two of his sons turn out for our local cricket team, and while they are both a credit to himself and the team, the one thing we can never get them involved in is the social side. While I appreciate their views on alcohol we would still like them to mix a bit more, but this is always politely declined.

Thinking back I can never remember seeing black or asians on any of the many sites we,ve been on, and whether this is down to lack of confidence or is simply not part of their culture I don,t know, but I see intergration in this and many other aspects of life as going a long way towards easing the problems this country now faces. Howard.

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Hi Peter, when you said you couldn't cut and paste I wasn't sure if that was tongue in cheek.

I find the easiest way to do it is to highlight the text or the address, URL, or whatever and then press CTRL c, to copy it into clipboard and then click mouse where you want it to go and press CTRL v to insert it.


Please ignore this if you knew it already.

Phil :-D B-)

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Mel B - 2006-12-12 3:00 PM


Thanks guys, I haven't had such a good laugh in ages - keep up the good work!

Sorry Mel, but I find nothing funny about this at all. The fact that I enjoy relaxing at home wearing nothing but my wife.s underwear does not give Frank, or anyone else for that matter, the right to address me in such a blatently suggestive manner.

Having Forrester call me Howie Baby was bad enough, but this latest indignity is simply unacceptable. Howard.

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i hope when I get to your age I have such a wicked sense of humour like you ..

You make me laugh so much thank god you cheer me up no end and others .

Keep it up you funny man you make me LMKO I actually spill my tea.


I know that others would miss you and enjoy your jokes ...........

I wish you were my Grandad hahahahahhahahha...

PS How old 50 ? cause I,m only 30 really hahahha ;-) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol) (lol)

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