Guest peter Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent co-workers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fibre cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience: 1.Occupied. 2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one. 3.Poo on seat. 4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat. 5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet. Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier. Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence. "Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??" Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride. Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "got to go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. This, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the toilet http://82.110.105.76/mkiiisupra.net/bbs/images/smilies/action-smiley-027.gifhttp://82.110.105.76/mkiiisupra.net/bbs/images/smilies/action-smiley-027.gifhttp://82.110.105.76/mkiiisupra.net/bbs/images/smilies/action-smiley-027.gifhttp://82.110.105.76/mkiiisupra.net/bbs/images/smilies/action-smiley-027.gifSorry Mod's this should have gone in the joke section. Move it if you wish.
michele Posted January 17, 2007 Posted January 17, 2007 Peter , I admit I have never laughed so good for ages .....especially the hold on for the ride bit ... (lol) (lol)
W3526602 Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 And I thought this was the story about the bloke who was spoken to by the bloke in the next stall.....and replied....conversation kept going till bloke next door said..."Look, Ill have to ring off, somebody keeps interupting me". My friend in the RAF told me that he once turned to the lady sitting next to him and said "Its all right...I accept full responsibility". Ten seconds later, the bus had come to a sudden stop, and all the passengers had evacuated. 602
mark lambert Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 hey peter you need to be on stage doing a comedy act with that story, my stomach is hurting' not from eating a taco bell but by the story. Brilliant!!! choppa
Randonneur Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I heard noise coming from the room where the computer is housed and realised it was my husband nearly wetting himself reading your post. He has asked me all day if I have read it and to my shame said I would read it later. its now 18.44 GMT and have been having trouble reading the post for tears in my eyes. On this occasion I think the long post deserves a medal for making us laugh. Still wiping my eyes.
Mel B Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I was managing to hold it together, just, with the odd giggle here and there, that was until I got to the "cheeks flapping in the breeze" bit, then I totally lost it and fell about giggling and screeching - thank God my husband wasn't in the room at the time!!!! After that, I had great difficulty in reading the rest as I was laughing so much and crying my eyes out! Oh ... booo hooo .... ha ha ha ha .... snifle! Absolutely brilliant!!!!!!! (lol) (lol) (lol)
macfitz Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 shakespeare , eat your heart out !! a true poet has arrived !!! :D :D :D
Lizzy Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 I can hardly wait to see Hubby's reaction when I show him this (lol)
marcob Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 Three men standing side by side in the Gents. When a female voice said, turn round as soon as possible. The man in the centre had his satnav in his pocket and fogot to turn it off.
Lizzy Posted January 23, 2007 Posted January 23, 2007 THis got the reaction from Hubby that I was expecting. We laughed and laughed until we ached with tears streaming ............. at times he couldn't read as he was busy wiping his eyes :-D
michele Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 peter, never did remeber until now where did you get them moonies from.... I mean waynes only got a No 8
Tony Jones Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Pity the guy in the next cubicle isn't a Forum member - or is he????? TJ
Guest peter Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 michele - 2007-05-17 11:46 PM peter, never did remeber until now where did you get them moonies from.... I mean waynes only got a No 8Hi Michele, I got them off another forum. Just right click it and save as.
michele Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I think for those f you who have not seen it you may or may not enjoy a laugh . :D
howie Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Time on your hands Michele?. If thats the case pop over to the avatar thread and wipe the floor with Brucie. Just had a look at his posting and its given me a headache. Whats this about moustaches. Tell me more pleeeese.
michele Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I cant bloody remember now can I mush :D go get choppa i'll bash the both of you :D
Hymer C 9. Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Keeping my phone in my bag, don't know if my eye's are running or my stomach aching most. (lol) Carol.
BGD Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 A truly wonderful completely, non-pc and, and superbly offensive tale overall. But the bit that finally killed me was when I got to: "After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage." Priceless!!!! Peter, the author is clearly a Yank; do you know where it came from originally, and more importantly, has he written any more????
michele Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Oh BGD Pete writes stories like this all the time. :D :D One after the other ;-)
Guest peter Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 BGD - 2007-10-03 9:37 PM A truly wonderful completely, non-pc and, and superbly offensive tale overall. But the bit that finally killed me was when I got to: "After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage." Priceless!!!! Peter, the author is clearly a Yank; do you know where it came from originally, and more importantly, has he written any more???? Don't know who it was.I got it off another forum. He is a true word meister.
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