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Funny bits

Mel B

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Thought the old 'Joke' and 'Funnies' threads were getting a bit long in the tooth so here's a new thread to start over.


Please - one rule - NO sexist jokes!


I'll go first with a little story ......



It was a dark and stormy night, they were together in the house .... just the two of them.


It was cold, and there was a distinct chill in the air ... the storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.


She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance ... and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.


Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out ... she screamed ...


He raced to the sofa when she was cowering, he didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.


He knew this was a forbidden union and expeced her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't but instead clung to him.


Outside, the storm raged on .... they clung to each other ... suddenly the power came back on .......

































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An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.


He goes to examine the first patient he sees, and the man proclaims, 'Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!'


The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into, 'Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it.'


This continues with the next patient, 'Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!'


'Well,' the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, 'I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.'


'Oh no,' the Scottish doctor corrected him, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'



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A man staggered in one night, drunk as a skunk and twice as smelly. He sidled up to his wife and said " I stopped off at the 24 hr chemist and bought some olympic condoms, when we have sex later, do you want me to wear the Gold, silver or bronze one "


Quick as a flash, the woman replied "Tell you what love, why dont you wear the silver, and come second for once" 8-)

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J9withdogs - 2007-09-14 12:51 PM Tried another one...wait for it.... Bo Peep within the Cook No wonder chefs are fat *-)


Would you be happy if I cooked you a meal using this ingredient from Japan?

Found it on a web site that has genuine product names in Japan.



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J9withdogs - 2007-09-14 1:56 PM Yuk! Sorry, Thai - I really didn't mean to offend you, please, please, forgive me. Are you really a chef? *-)

What on earth are you apologising for?? I do not remember you having said anything that has offended me on this or any other thread.(!):D

Chef only when I'm cooking Thai meals.


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Some of these captions remind me of the hilarious misspellings and gramatical errors made by our Asian cousins when they attempt to translate literally into English


Have a look at www.engrish.com for Japanese signs and adverts


My two favourites from Singapore are "The gentle Dental Group" - would you go there if they were rough? The second is the "The Wee Breast Clinic" not sure what they specialise in !



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