Mel B Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 Thought the old 'Joke' and 'Funnies' threads were getting a bit long in the tooth so here's a new thread to start over. Please - one rule - NO sexist jokes! I'll go first with a little story ...... It was a dark and stormy night, they were together in the house .... just the two of them. It was cold, and there was a distinct chill in the air ... the storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance ... and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm. Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out ... she screamed ... He raced to the sofa when she was cowering, he didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expeced her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't but instead clung to him. Outside, the storm raged on .... they clung to each other ... suddenly the power came back on ....... ... .... ..... ...... ....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 Be afraid - be very afraid... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first patient he sees, and the man proclaims, 'Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!' The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into, 'Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it.' This continues with the next patient, 'Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!' 'Well,' the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, 'I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.' 'Oh no,' the Scottish doctor corrected him, 'this is the serious Burns unit.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Jones Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 It's not just the guards dogs - I saw a sogn at our general hospital recently that said "male and female cleaners operate in this hospital!" I wish they'd pay surgeons!! Tony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 That's awful, Tony.... but funny (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 A man staggered in one night, drunk as a skunk and twice as smelly. He sidled up to his wife and said " I stopped off at the 24 hr chemist and bought some olympic condoms, when we have sex later, do you want me to wear the Gold, silver or bronze one " Quick as a flash, the woman replied "Tell you what love, why dont you wear the silver, and come second for once" 8-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted September 13, 2007 Author Share Posted September 13, 2007 Oi Donna! Read the rule!!!!!!! Second line of the first posting - you naughty girl. :D (must admit it was funny though!) :$ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna miller Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 Ah Mel But it's really hard to tell jokes without mentioning the other sex. :-| I'll try harder next time, honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai Bry Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 One from our recent trip in HollandThai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolh Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 We were staying at a Le Bohat in Sarzeau a couple of years ago, and the 'do not' sign on the swimming pool fence stated 'do not hold your breath under water' 8-) I should have taken a picture of it Carol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Ok Thai, What does it mean ? A walk in the park ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai Bry Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 michele - 2007-09-14 11:37 AM Ok Thai, What does it mean ? A walk in the park ? MicheleHave'nt got a scooby doo!!Just took a quick photo as we were stuck at some lights.SorryThai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Online translator for Dutch to English translated it as 'Snap in the Cook'! Eh? *-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Eh I think that translators rubbish Eh :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Tried another one...wait for it.... Bo Peep within the Cook No wonder chefs are fat *-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai Bry Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 It was just one of those quick snack bars in the park I think!!Thai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai Bry Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 J9withdogs - 2007-09-14 12:51 PM Tried another one...wait for it.... Bo Peep within the Cook No wonder chefs are fat *-) OI!!!FAT Chefs!!! You talking to me!!!. We have'nt even met & your already trying to endear yourself to me by calling me lovely names. Thai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai Bry Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 J9withdogs - 2007-09-14 12:51 PM Tried another one...wait for it.... Bo Peep within the Cook No wonder chefs are fat *-) JanineWould you be happy if I cooked you a meal using this ingredient from Japan?Found it on a web site that has genuine product names in Japan.Thai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Yuk! Sorry, Thai - I really didn't mean to offend you, please, please, forgive me. Are you really a chef? *-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Newell Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 J9withdogs - 2007-09-14 12:51 PM Tried another one...wait for it.... Bo Peep within the Cook No wonder chefs are fat *-) As my better half always says, "never trust a skinny cook"! D. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai Bry Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 J9withdogs - 2007-09-14 1:56 PM Yuk! Sorry, Thai - I really didn't mean to offend you, please, please, forgive me. Are you really a chef? *-) What on earth are you apologising for?? I do not remember you having said anything that has offended me on this or any other thread.Chef only when I'm cooking Thai meals.Thai Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 I'm just apologising to everyone at the moment, otherwise they are horrible to me, and that just makes me feel awful, like I want to go and sit up a corner and cry, and... stuff, like, you know... *-) :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJH Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Latest Geordie joke: "Sponsored by Northern Rock" (lol) Graham Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J9withdogs Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Three stages of a man's life.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vixters other half Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Some of these captions remind me of the hilarious misspellings and gramatical errors made by our Asian cousins when they attempt to translate literally into English Have a look at www.engrish.com for Japanese signs and adverts My two favourites from Singapore are "The gentle Dental Group" - would you go there if they were rough? The second is the "The Wee Breast Clinic" not sure what they specialise in ! VoH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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