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The Politically Correct Nelson.


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Shamelessly lifted from Motorhome Fun, where Rockie RV had posted it. Credit to him for doing so.


Seems to me to be a brilliantly observed, if ironic, look at life in 2007:-





Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."


Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."


Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"


Hardy: "Sorry sir?"


Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"


Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job even getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."


Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."


Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."


Nelson: "For crying out loud man! In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."


Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."


Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. Well I suppose we'd better get on with it ............. full speed ahead."


Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."


Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch.

Report from the crow's nest please."


Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


Nelson: "What?"


Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."


Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."


Hardy: "He's too busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."


Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."


Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."


Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.

I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."


Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."


Nelson: "Whatever next? Well at least give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."


Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And the Navy's insurers don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts about no-win-no-fee compensation claims ?"


Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."


Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."


Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"


Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."


Nelson: "Then Hardy, how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"


Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."


Nelson: "We're not?"


Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the EU Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation for disrupting them."


Nelson: "But every red-blooded Englishman must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."


Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."


Nelson: "But you must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."


Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"


Nelson: "Don't tell me - more bloody health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"


Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on any form of corporal punishment."


Nelson: "And what have they done about sodomy?"


Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."


Nelson: "In that case.......................................................... kiss me, Hardy."





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The sad thing is that everyday we are loosing our freedom to choose. Its done in the name of health and safety or to prevent offense to minority groups.


My concern is that unless young people can be exposed to risk and the consequences, they will not be able to make those balanced decisions required in later life. So how will that be dealt with - more restrictions or leave it to "experts"


I trained as a Marine Engineer and had to be able to fix virtually anything from a 5MW Turbo alternator to fridge anywhere in the world. I even have the Government Certificate of Competency, but Im not allowed to do any wiring in my house ( in theory)


I think its about time we said enough is enough, we want our freedom of choice back. The ablity to make mistakes and get it wrong is very good for the soul.







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Very true. Don't it make you wonder what the hell is going on? The world's going soft as sh*te. Where's all the real men and Ladies (got to be P.C) gone? >:-)
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I'm still here sweetie-pie! ;-) Coming out to play? Women are able to do things that used to be strictly 'male' activities, such as using power tools and other lovely bits and pieces now, and I'm not talking vacuum cleaners neither. I've got a lovely power saw, one of the Black & Decker scorpions and haven't had the chance to use it yet, can't wait for winter to get here so I can attack the trees in the garden and lop off their excess appendages. :D I believe you can also get power tools in a lovely shade of pink now as they are supposed to appeal more to women ... couldn't give a toss what colour they are personally, though, so long as they are big and noisy and do something useful! :D
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