Tracker Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks. "No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere." I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove." Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned in to a field. A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something." What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder. Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto. Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Tracker - 2015-02-21 2:26 PM (Sorry Dave - couldn't resist) Which Dave 8-) Me the good looking one B-) or him the Pudding Face bandy leg one :-( :-D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 nowtelse2do - 2015-02-21 2:31 PM Which Dave 8-) Me the good looking one B-) or him the Pudding Face bandy leg one :-( :-D Too close to call! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Tracker - 2015-02-21 2:09 PM At least the other one, being a Honda, is just as dependable! Missed this one *-) You have a C50 then ;-) back in a couple of hours, bag needs changing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 nowtelse2do - 2015-02-21 2:39 PM Tracker - 2015-02-21 2:09 PM At least the other one, being a Honda, is just as dependable! Missed this one *-) You have a C50 then ;-) back in a couple of hours, bag needs changing. I'm looking for a P45 :D ............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 21, 2015 Author Share Posted February 21, 2015 pelmetman - 2015-02-21 2:42 PM You have a C50 then ;-) I'm looking for a P45 :D ............. Beat you to it - I've had both - years ago! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 nowtelse2do - 2015-02-21 2:31 PM Tracker - 2015-02-21 2:26 PM (Sorry Dave - couldn't resist) Which Dave 8-) Me the good looking one B-) or him the Pudding Face bandy leg one :-( :-D Correction Dave ;-) .................I have one randy leg :-S............... over the years it has attracted quite a few dogs ..............It all started with the ex's Labrador 8-)............... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from her shower, Joe's wife stood in front of the mirror complaining to him that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it wasn't so, Joe comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take ?" she asked Joe . "They will grow larger over a period of years he replies. She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat Joe says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?" Joe's is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Prayer answered. When i was little i prayed for a new bike all the time, I never got one. When i asked the local priest why god never answered my prays he explained that god does not give us material goods, only guidence and forgiveness. So i stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness, seemed to work!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Not PC I know......but what the hell. Walked past a homeless person the other day...he said "any change"...I said no, I've still got a Jaguar and a nice house!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4cls Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made exquisite watches, decided to make compasses for the pioneers travelling west. It turned out that although their watches were of the finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California, this, of course, is the origin of the expression, 'He who has a Tates is lost!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 I always thought it was an old boxing saying - he who hesitates is sloshed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woody. Posted February 25, 2015 Share Posted February 25, 2015 A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related. Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him. Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says, "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner." After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full. One day Paddy goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?? asks the chap. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar by the pharmacist." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archiesgrandad Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I expect that you`ve all heard about the Spanish lady of easy virtue who would never let a Diego buy? AGD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 I have just been sent some great totally non PC jokes which if I post on here will probably get the thread pulled. If anyone else who enjoys the irony of non PC would like to see them I can PM them to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Send them through Rich. Start the rumour... If we could convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles are an aphrodisiac, in 10 years they could be extinct ... No fun then for the afterlife virgins. :D #1 RogerH ..................................................................................................... Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. -Phyllis Diller Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out. -Phyllis Diller A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. -Phyllis Diller I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. -Phyllis Diller We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. -Phyllis Diller Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. -Phyllis Diller What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -Phyllis Diller The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.(Why didn't I think of this yesterday!) -Phyllis Diller Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. -Phyllis Diller My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me. -Phyllis Diller I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. -Phyllis Diller Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. -Phyllis Diller I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' -Phyllis Diller The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. -Phyllis Diller Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 On their way Dave. Post 'em if you dare - but we may lose the whole thread and I would hate to stop anyone laughing as it is supposed not only to be the best medicine but potentially highly infectious - but not as infectious as bile maybe these days! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowtelse2do Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Got them Rich, very good.......pity the truth can't be published thoe nowadays, I reckon we could get away with a couple of them. Will re-phrase that.....you could get away with a couple of them. Then it's you who will get banned.:D:D Dave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woody. Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Send me them please rich i need a laugh . ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest pelmetman Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 nowtelse2do - 2015-03-02 8:37 PM Got them Rich, very good.......pity the truth can't be published thoe nowadays, I reckon we could get away with a couple of them. Will re-phrase that.....you could get away with a couple of them. Then it's you who will get banned.:D:D Dave Can you forward them to me Dave ................Please use my new email address ;-) ...... moderator@O&L.com :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 On their way to you both! I dare you to post them on here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antony1969 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Please don't post any cartoons mocking a certain someone ... It's bad enough keeping an eye out for thieves , gas attacks and perverts while in the motorhome never mind trying to fight off some offended nut case Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Sorry but as I don't know anyone called 'A Certain Someone' I have no idea what you mean although I am aware of the existence of some offended nutcases! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antony1969 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Tracker - 2015-03-03 12:51 PM Sorry but as I don't know anyone called 'A Certain Someone' I have no idea what you mean although I am aware of the existence of some offended nutcases! I daren't say his name .. I quite like my head where it is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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