Tracker Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 antony1969 - 2015-03-03 1:55 PM Tracker - 2015-03-03 12:51 PM Sorry but as I don't know anyone called 'A Certain Someone' I have no idea what you mean although I am aware of the existence of some offended nutcases! I daren't say his name .. I quite like my head where it is Not so sure about your head being OK - you surely don't mean wotizname - or do you? Jalopy Jihadi? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woody. Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Thanks rich , no more to be said , how about this one ?? The Nun and the Taxi Driver Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would Make a hooker blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Subject: PSYCHIATRISTS VS BARTENDER > EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED > AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: > > I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody > under my bed!! > I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy. > > Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to > Me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears. > > How much do you charge? > Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor. > > I'll sleep on it, I said. > > Six months later the doctor met me on the street. Why didn't you come to > See me about those fears you were having? He asked. > > Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. > A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all > That money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck. > > Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a > Bartender cure you? > > He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now. > > FORGET THE SHRINKS.. > HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER! > IT"S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 And now for something completely Politically Correct! A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The man thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." "OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt. "You crafty little blighter," said the genie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracker Posted March 22, 2015 Author Share Posted March 22, 2015 A government survey has shown that 91% of immigrants only come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor. --------------------------------------- Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession ------------------------------------------ 63 immigrants died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.. The police are blaming AL IKEA .. ---------------------------------------- Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take. ---------------------------------------- Police stops a non UK resident in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!" ---------------------------------------- Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.. "b*****ks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing" ---------------------------------------- Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." ---------------------------------------- My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. ---------------------------------------- Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. ---------------------------------------- My mate has been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest he only intended to rough him up a bit. ---------------------------------------- Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were The Hovis Witnesses. ---------------------------------------- Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. ---------------------------------------- A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher....... ---------------------------------------- Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots...... Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon. ---------------------------------------- Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka! ---------------------------------------- In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead. ---------------------------------------- The sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth. ---------------------------------------- An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's going well! Prophets are going through the roof! ---------------------------------------- A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, never mind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! ---------------------------------------- An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid. ----------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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