howie Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Hi Michele. Where have you been hiding. I,m just keeping score with the Mel v Wayne contest and i,ve got Mel just ahead with her RSPCA response , but fair play to Wayne, he,s hanging in there. Best joke today is Darcys surgery joke, and worst joke is Darcys Blair & Brown which cricked my neck. Howard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forester Posted October 13, 2006 Author Share Posted October 13, 2006 Wayne,Howard & Mel are on a slide in a park when a genie appears out of the blue he says to the 3 of them , you can have one wish & one wish only but you must say what you want when you are sliding down the slide!. Howard goe's first: I want to land in a wheelbarrow full of £50 notes and he got his wish. Wayne went next said what he wanted ( it's private ) & landed in it at the bottom, next Mel, she sat at the top -pushed herself off and shouted WEEEEEEEEE. (he he ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Hiya Wayne. My turn with the brain cell. Did you hear about the Essex girl who tried her hand at hypnotism. At her first show she took out a gold watch and chain which she swung back and fore until the audience were completly under her control. At this point however the watch slipped from her grasp and smashed on the stage floor. "excrement" she exclaimed and they reckon it took a fortnight to clean the place up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 Forester .. if it was me I'd certainly do WEEEEEEEE down the slide ... but the puddle type as I'd be piddling myself laughing at the other 2 plonkers! One point to me I think!!! (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted October 13, 2006 Share Posted October 13, 2006 One point deducted for making personal remarks i,m afraid Mel. A young lady was spotted today not only speeding but knitting at the same time while crossing the Humber bridge in a small foriegn coachbuilt. A patrol car drew alongside and the officer shouted at her "Pull Over" The young lady shook her head and shouted back "Scarf". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twooks Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 then again, this makes more sense to me than the other version as told by men; :-> After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" enquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. I have just one problem - it's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but they're a real pain." Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having just two breasts might leave her body more "balanced." That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts so I figured that you needed only half of those but I see that you are right. I will fix it right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will create a man for you immediately from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless tit?" :-> with apologies to any sensitive souls who are upset by the language. B-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MandyAndy Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Women who seek to be mens equals Lack ambition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 What a pleasure it is to see such a well written joke Tooks. To often on these threads we have crudeness replacing humour and vulgarity instead of wit and hopefully others will follow our example. Sadly most jokes do have the odd bit of bad language but these are usually there otherwise the joke loses its meaning and can be misunderstood. Talking of which, I recently played a round of golf with the wife. After one really bad slice she lost her ball and it was only after I spotted a cow nearby behaving oddly that I found it. Lifting its tail I discovered the ball wedged in its nether regions. I shouted to the wife, this looks like yours , and she hasn,t spoken to me since. Howard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Howard ... you called me a young lady - thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 46 sounds young to me Mel and all women are ladies as far as i,m concerned. To be fair I think you have taken all this ribbing really well and thats a credit to you and the other girls. My problem is that i,m easily led and with troublemakers like Wayne egging me on thats a sure recipe for getting into trouble all the time, so good night and look after yourself . Howard. ( just back from the pub in case your wondering xxx ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Thanks Howard ... try 43 then you're really in my good books! Nice to know when you've had a tipple or 2 your true self comes out ... it's quite nice really!!! (lol) (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted October 15, 2006 Share Posted October 15, 2006 Sorry Mel and I should not have mentioned your age in the first place. You mentioned some time ago that you were born in 1960 I think when we spoke of prefabs but I must have been mistaken. Ladies night last night where they were treated to Rugby League followed by Boxing and then Football all on the big screen with cheese and pickles thrown in free. Now thats what I call pampering to your needs and why settle for half measures when you girls deserve only the best. We also laid on a stripper called Pendalum, but i,m sure you don,t want to know about that. The ladies loved it, but it left me feeling quite depressed. Howard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 1963 is the year my dear, but prefab was right. Not sure about the pickles, pork scratchings and I'd have been a happy bunny though. As for the stripper ... I always thought of you as an old swinger! (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 You lot don't need me to be naughty . You are all brilliant on your own ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 Now there,s a nice suprise to brighten a wet and miserable morning. Michele,s still alive and kicking and owing a full explantion on what she,s been up to. Just made a mention on Geordies and after reading in the papers where some poor soul had his throat cut after a forum dispute would like to inform you that I come from a place called Far Far Away. Howard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 Is that the place with Peter Pan or Michael Jackson then Howard? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 Thought it was Shrek and Donkey Mel, but I don,t watch much telly so I stand to be corrected. Finally had Sky plus fitted and even I can use it. The wife thinks i,ve thrown our 25 year old top loader out but i,ve hidden it down the shed. Sad when you get attached to such things and I wonder if there,s a name for it. Did you know the name Wendy never exsisted before J.M.Barrie wrote Peter Pan. I know this because my first real girlfriend was called this and she was a real headcase who taught me all I know. She was the one who took my innocence when I was just a pimply youngster. I apologised after and said had I known she was a virgin I would have taken more time. She replied that had I given her more time she would have taken her tights off. You don,t get romance like that anymore do you. Howard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 Ohhhhhhhh Glady's Emmanuel & Arkright. Sorry nearly forgot explanation been in & out up & down that what makes the world go round... Seriously lot's of crap to deal with this end. On a lighter note off to rainy france Sat ,le Shuttle. & back the following Sunday & why not I say . little worried my daughter has just past her driving test two & a half weeks ago and tomorrow has to met a Farrier in a place called Great Yeldham at 7am . So just a little fix of the sat nav for her but its the old Navman & can,t tell her enough not to stare at the bloody thing . Keep telling her it does not matter if you get lost keep your eye's on the road don't worry what that bloody thing say's to you pull over when safe. That Nav Man is 5 years old and has problems keeping up . Tried the Tom Tom 510 last night just purchased for a friend's daughter last week brilliant really impressed with it new technology . So will probably buy her that for her 18th. what a shame you can not buy them wisdom experience ... really quite jumpy about her going but say la vie, what can you do . Hopefully this guy will offer her a back breaking 4 year apprentership fingers crossed Oh the tom tom came about for the friends daughter ..........She managed to keep her parent's up until 4am because she was lost in the west end. LONDON crying..........KIds couln't eat a whole one.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted October 19, 2006 Share Posted October 19, 2006 They have all got to fly the nest eventually Michelle and try not to worry as most likely she will meet a nice young man who will put her honour and reputation above all else. Someone like me when I was younger perhaps. ;-) . Enjoy your weekend and let us know all about it. Howard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forester Posted October 20, 2006 Author Share Posted October 20, 2006 Howard, people like you and myself are hard to find nowadays so why dont we rent ourselfs out! We could call ourselves THE GENT ETSS .K KK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michele Posted October 20, 2006 Share Posted October 20, 2006 Oh Howard, That's already taken care of sorry, One boyfriend for two years look's like they have their heads screwed on . He is the one that has just joined the police force so now a house full of old bill ...............could be worse.. Hi Dave ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
howie Posted October 21, 2006 Share Posted October 21, 2006 Hard pushed to see what use either of us would be to anyone Wayne. Could try Plonkers R Us but there seems to many of them already. My Mother in Law is not feeling to good at the moment and its been decided that she stays with us until she gets better. I,ve got a bad feeling about this being just temporary but from past experience know that the wife only has to turn on the tears for me to run up the white flag. This bawling their eyes out tactic has always had me beat and it amazes me how they can turn it on and off like a switch. Not being nosy Wayne, but how many bedrooms have you got in your flat. Just an idea, but why don,t you rig up a bike outside the van that Maggie could peddle to generate enough power to run the telly and keep the beer cool. You could show a bit of consideration by only watching I.T.V. so she could take a break when the adverts are on. Howard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forester Posted October 27, 2006 Author Share Posted October 27, 2006 Maggie talks that fast that I need a scrobe light to see her lips move. Is this a common thing with women? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forester Posted October 28, 2006 Author Share Posted October 28, 2006 [QUOTE]Forester - 2006-10-27 2:52 PM Maggie talks that fast that I need a scrobe light to see her lips move. Is this a common thing with women?[/QUOTE] Not many replys to this is there 'ladies' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel B Posted October 28, 2006 Share Posted October 28, 2006 You obviously couldn't see my fingers move on the keyboard then!!! (lol) (lol) (lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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